So I saw Twilight today. I pretty much figured I would; as much as the book annoyed me (or the half of it that I read) this was a movie about vampires and eternal love, and I can't not go to that. It wasn't perfect, but I enjoyed it significantly more than I thought I would. My biggest beef was actually the makeup job on Edward Cullen--that's the vampire lover all the girls are mooning over. Yes, he's supposed to be pasty white and beautiful, but I don't think that has to translate into red, red lipstick and heavy eye makeup. I mean, can't a man be beautiful without looking feminine? I think the answer to that is yes. And not even that so-called feminine beauty is a bad thing, Johnny Depp comes to mind, but the makeup can't be obvious--it needs to look natural. I think that's my problem; his face was unnatural. Yes, I'm aware he's a vampire, a state which by definition is slightly unnatural, but don't quibble with me over this. Lipstick is rarely a good thing a man.

Regardless of all of that, however, if ever there was a topic that deserved a top ten list, this is it. I don't normally do two in a row like this, but vampires conquer all. You thought it was love--silly you.

Top Ten Things That Are Only Hot When Said/Performed/Or Otherwise Connected With A Vampire

10. Clothing with lace anywhere on it

It's time to level: lace is not hot. It's frilly; it's Victorian--it's hopelessly itchy. Nobody wants to hug a man in lace, be saved by a man in lace, or even have sexual thoughts about a man in lace. And yet, when worn by a vampire, suddenly the frilly shirt is completely acceptable. I can't explain why; it defies all known laws of science, but the evidence is there. The ability to look utterly masculine in frilly shirts is obviously the vampire's lesser known superpower.

9. Extreme mood changes

Nobody likes someone whose mood changes faster than weather in the midwest. He's smiling at you, suddenly his rage is nearly uncontrollable, but now he's sulky--it's okay he loves you more than life itself and is wants to make sweet, sweet love...now he's crying. Unexplainable mood swings are decidedly unhot. You stick moodiness on a guy with fangs, though; it's all just part and parcel with his tortured soul.

8. Non-stop brooding

Like the above mood swings someone that rarely smiles because he is constantly brooding inevitably looses his mystery when the brooding pushes him from deep and thoughtful into whiny and annoying. He's sullen and serious, why--because he's constantly thinking such deep and ponderous thoughts? Nobody feels that much weight unless...he's a vampire. Then we have constant inner battle of need for blood and need to be a good man all topped off with a healthy dose of saving the world or some equivalent. This behavior is also acceptable in Batman.

7. Remarking on his inability to control himself around you and/or how he cannot lose control with you

Generally when a guy says I can't control myself around you, or I must maintain control for your safety I take a hike. Why? Because a need to kiss me senseless and overwhelming love is sexy, but I've got to maintain control so I don't eat you (literally) is not. Old dude is a vampire, though, and his inability to resist your scent/aura/blood whatever suddenly makes for incredible sexual tension. Cannibals unhot--Vampires hot. There is no logic or emotional health to these truths.

6. Engaging in sexual relationships with significantly age inappropriate partners

You meet an older guy that falls in love with girls fifty, sixty, a hundred years his junior and it's hard to believe it's true love. I've seen those couples on the Strip--there's nothing fairytale about them, I promise. But when you're eternal youth keeps you somewhere between 17 and 35 forever well...isn't everyone too young for you then? So what if you're 90 and she's 17, you're a vampire!

5. Excessive sniffing or commentary on one's smell

This one's tricky because smell can be a very hot thing between two people. Often if you like the way someone smells it's a great indicator of attraction. But a person sniffing you, especially prior to hello is rarely comforting or engaging. Also, when hanging with a man I don't know how to reply when he is constantly remarking on how he loves my "scent." Throws me a bit. Illogically, when his sniffing is tied to a burning desire to suck my blood I'm suddenly okay with it. This one is also acceptable with werewolves.

4. Breaking into your bedroom to watch you sleep

This is the behavior of a stalker. When it's Dracula, or Angel, or Edward we call it sexy. Don't ask me why.

3. Constant staring

Mr. Darcy got away with it in Pride and Prejudice. Every other time I've seen it happen the situation ended badly. Starring denotes obsession. Obsession denotes crazy. Crazy obsession becomes not only tolerable, but desirable when presented by someone with eternal life and a desire to eat me. Let's hope none of my friends ever need me to save them from a vampire. He stares at me at and I'm toast.

2. Refusal to acknowledge his love for you and/or to let you close

When someone obviously loves you, wants you, needs you, blah blah blah, I find I am very inconsiderate of the drama that must be conquered for him to proclaim that love. I know; I have no soul. Basically, though, my thoughts are this: are you a vampire? No? Suck it up and ask the girl out--you'll get over it if she says no. If you're a vampire, well then, you can't just have a normal relationship so things become more complicated--totally understandable. If one is already in a relationship and can't open up to one's partner I am again unsympathetic--yes, I'm a cold, cold woman we know this--and have little more than a get over it for the poor sod whose been hurt so badly in the past. But if you're a vampire and somehow you did end up with a human date you might not have told them everything, or maybe you've got to keep them at a distance for some vampirey reason. Mostly what I'm saying here is if there's going to be excessive Shakespearean relationship drama somebody better be a gosh darn vampire or there's really no excuse.

1. Eternal love at the cost of your humanity

I may not have a soul, but I don't give up my humanity for just anyone. I know there are girls that fall in love with killers on death row through the mail, and women that seek out men who'll treat them badly, but if he's going to brood, sniff me, stare at me, make me cry, push me away, pull me close, cut me off, endanger me, want to eat me, and wear lace he better be a vampire. It's not that I want to date a bad boy, exactly, but if I date him I want eternal love to be part of the equation. There needs to be a serious pay off for all that drama.

So, as with all rules, there are minor exceptions to some of these behaviors (Batman, werewolves) but in general the above are only acceptable when the lover performing them is a vampire. I spoke of them in terms of a man because I'm a heterosexual female, but gentlemen, I think these are good rules for women as well. Does anyone want to date a person that breaks into their bedroom to watch them sleep unless that person is a vampire? I think not. And if you do, you deserve whatever crazy comes your way.