Thursday, November 20, 2008

Cultural guilt is a powerful thing. We don’t enjoy being blamed for behaviors we didn’t enact or condone, nor do we enjoy recognizing any aspect of those former beliefs in our current persona. It is a hard thing to seek knowledge, as a feminist or civil rights activist or whatever label we want to apply—perhaps post-colonialist is best. It is even harder to express thoughts of existence, right or wrong, knowing there are those that don’t only misunderstand or disagree, but hate you for your perceived stupidity. Nothing is more detrimental to education and communication than attack without urge to listen. The previous presidential election, discussions of my feminist ideologies, my decision to refuse to stay quiet have consistently put in me situations where people forcefully disagree with me. I want to be a person that does not shy away from challenges of what I say, but that want is easier held than idealized. Responding to powerful, emotional arguments is also difficult because my ire is raised and my first impulse is to attack back. That does no one any good, though, and for this reason I am both going to engage in the conversation to the best of my ability and I am not going to remove comments. Should the conversation devolve, however, into nothing more than attack-oriented comments with no genuine urge to understand on either side, I will delete all negative posts with nary a word spoken about them.

First, and most importantly, I would never punch someone in the face for a compliment. My hyperbole was used for particular rhetorical effect and understanding authorial intent is as much a reader’s responsibility as it is an author’s responsibility to anticipate the reader’s response. Alongside that is my second point. My experience is my own and is being presented here as nothing more in a space of free speech. This means that no matter how well intentioned, I am sometimes the recipient of what some would term compliments that are not wholly complimentary. Not because of the intention of the complimenter, but because they are operating from a standpoint and ideology that is unaware of an existence outside their own. These sorts of compliments, like an older wealthy man telling me he is proud of me for being such a good girl, are not offered with intention to hurt, but do nonetheless. I speak about these things because I feel the best way to broaden perspective and complicate thinking is to speak of differing experience, regardless of how uncomfortable such sharing can be.

Finally, and not least importantly, I bear no ill will towards anyone who compliments me nor am I sorry it happened. My irritation is with a greater ideology of the world—an ideology that is still going strong as evidenced through the powerful responses my story begot. I am not a man hater, a compliment hater, or any sort of hater; merely a person sharing observations as untoward as they may be at times because I see value in it. This is not an apology but an explanation.

To disagree with someone through moral superiority and judgment with no clear attempt at understanding what they are saying is precisely what I am attempting to avoid with this explanation. But regardless of my personality flaws, of which there are many, and the reasons for my beliefs and reactions, of which there are more, I am not sorry for my response to the nice man at Blockbuster (which was nothing but appreciative in my actions and gestures) or for my continued espousal of what I think and why.

That is the last I will say on this particular topic, though I will always clarify my thoughts as requested in an effort to communicate as I want to, not only as is comfortable for me.

8 comments:

Darren said...

The conclusion is that its best for men not to compliment women or open doors for them, etc, these days, as too many have a feminist chip on their shoulder about men.

The ironic thing is that in another 10 years you'll probably be complaining that no men are complimenting you.

Anonymous said...

Darren I don't think there is a "best" for men. There is not one single way to act around women. A much more exciting way to live is treat every woman, every person for that matter as an individual and not make any assumptions about what they think or believe until they express a different belief. Treat everyone with respect but also listen to what individuals have to say. We all offend with our actions each day intentionally or not, but the older I get the more I believe the intent is much more important than how a particular action is received.

Darren said...

That all sounds very worthy, treating people as 'individuals' - which I do anyway - but only when you actually *KNOW* something about them. When you are encountering women you don't know in everyday life, its best to remain polite but aloof, don't compliment, give up seats, or open doors, its most certainly not worth it these days.
Chances are that they are secretly sneering at you, wanting to punch your face etc.

And, actually, I'd say the VAST majority of men would agree with me.

Jess said...

I was going to type a long response, but have decided against it. Needless to say, it doesn't take any knowledge to treat someone as an individual, just no preconceptions--an important difference. As for what people may or may not be thinking when you interact with them, why does it matter? I deal every day with the very real knowledge that many of my interactions revolve around whether or not someone wants to have sex with me. What matters is what is expressed; writing, poetry, and most other forms of media exist to express the inner responses and while shocking and sometimes disturbing, I don't think the best lesson to take from them is disillusionment. I much prefer to ask the question, why is that response there? And what, in situations where it is necessary, can I do to change it or better understand it?

Totally ended up being a long response--I have no excuse.

Darren said...

In ANY social situation where you are dealing with people you don't know, you have to base your behaviour on a whole host of preconceptions, and to pretend otherwise is ridiculous. The preconceptions are largely based around the situation, and the culture you are in. Only when you gradually find out more information about the person are you able to make decisions about them based on their individual personality.

Sometimes it is possible to get a bit of feedback from the person in a quick encounter - for them to reveal a bit of their individual personality. Maybe their tone of voice or their facial expressions. But did your tone of voice and facial expression betray the fact that you were thinking you'd like to punch his face? I doubt it. You're probably able to keep it hidden. So how was the guy supposed to treat women on an individual-by-individual basis when he has no way of getting feedback on who likes compliments and who hates them? Far better for him to just never make them in the first place.

Darren said...

"As for what people may or may not be thinking when you interact with them, why does it matter?"

Because in many situations, particularly work situations, men have to be VERY careful these days not to give accidental 'offence' to women they encounter. You never know when one of them might get angry at you and seek her revenge, or when harmless flirting can be misconstrued as sexual harrassment, and you find your career threatened.

Its utterly ridiculous to say that what other people think doesn't matter. Would you travel around in different cultures and behave however you like with no thought to how other people might be reacting internally to your behaviour? Would you think its advisable for a man to walk around the park and stroke the hair of , or hug a kid thats come up to him without any worry if the kid's parent might think hes a paedophile?

Anonymous said...

Wow, Jess, we have here a bit of discussion on your humble blog!
Darren, do you know Jess personally, or did you stumble on her blog by chance?
You've both given me a ton of food for thought, and I have yet to organize my thoughts coherently, except to say that I hope not all men decide it's simply better for them not to compliment women or open doors for them, etc. It just seems like a removal of one more good and uplifting aspect of society.
~R
P.S. Jess, I appreciate your keeping comments open, and admire you for having the courage to leave yourself open to criticism.

Jess said...

I debated whether to reply or not. At the risk of a reply being the wrong choice I suppose I will go ahead and do so:

First of all, I think to stereotype me with all other women is as much a mistake as it would be for me to stereotype all men. Secondly, I am not sure I am being willfully misunderstood or if what I have said simply hasn't been clear, but at no point did I state a disgust or dislike for manners, nice guys, or any particular "type" at all. I was discussing ideology, a different thing all together and the misunderstanding of that is what I feel is at the crux of this debate.

While I appreciate and have seriously thought about all points raised here I would say to you specifically Darren that if feminism is not your thing perhaps this blog isn't for you as it is unabashedly feminist. By all means, however, if you enjoy reading the thoughts of one who sees the world differently than yourself please keep reading and posting. I debated removing comments not because you challenged my thoughts, but because some of the early comments from various people seemed a bit attack-oriented. So long as healthy debate is what we have here I will always do my best to welcome and encourage it.