Okay, I'm writing about Twlight again. I know...I hate me too.

But here's the deal. I watched the movie, sort of liked it in a way I will never admit to in public, and now I'm trying to read the book again. The last time I tried I ended up putting it down because it was just so...well...high school. The angst, the drama, the everything--I long outgrew that mode of yearning. But, as the movie taught me in a rather harsh and unforgiving way, I have not outgrown it as much as I would like to think. I am, unfortunately, not dead inside. Who knew that realization would make me sad.

The point, however (and there is a point), is that this book, while more fun then I remember it being, makes me want to throw it across the room. I know I overreact sometimes, and anyone who knows me in any casual way knows that where vampire's are concerned I'm most likely not to make healthy relationship choices, but every now and then there is a sentence in this book that makes me want to throw it across the room. Edward is just so, well, proprietary. And Bella is just so incompetent. She's a magnet for trouble which is okay really, makes for good drama, but he saves her again and again from things she could conceivably save herself.

I think that is the part of the book I had formerly written off as too "high school" and that I found untenable as a romance. I'm long past the age of damsel in distress, mostly cause I learned long ago that you can't count on someone else to save you, but Edward's behavior makes me want to punch him the balls! He tells her what to do, manhandles her , stalks her, obsesses over her--these are all behaviors that in real life would not be hot. I want you to know that I know that's not okay. But somehow, in this stupid melodramatic mess of a teenage love story, it works.

I hate everything. And I hate myself for loving it.

I remember once, a long time ago, I was teasing my very best guy friend because he always seemed to date crazy girls. We're talking does-the-way-you-sneezed-mean-you-don't-love-me-anymore crazy. Time after time I would watch him walk into the same situation over and over again. Eventually, instead of just laughing at his inability to see the crazy for the trees, I attempted to offer helpful advice: advice like--don't date her, she crazy.

But in our ensuing conversations about dating crazy girls as a repetitive behavior I finally asked him, "Why do you keep dating obviously crazy, obviously unstable women?" Surprisingly he answered me honestly. He said simply, "Because it's more fun." Now, there are any number of ways to dissect that answer, and I'm not interested right now in considering possible addictions to drama, white knight syndrome, or possible feelings of being threatened by stable, independent women (I don't think he suffers from the last one at all, though the other two for sure) but I have to admit, openly, honestly, and not a little bit ashamedly--I agree with him. Crazy is more exciting.

As I say that, though, I'm painfully aware of two things: 1) crazy makes you miserable in the long run because, like sky diving, there's always the chance your chute won't open and you'll die from it. 2) me being crazy makes me miserable--I'm just not a dramatic person--well, not about anything outside of comic books and movies anyway. I'd rather be happy than sad; what can I say?

But you see, I watch stupid movies like Twilight and I read stupid books like Twilight and then I think...maybe I could have just a little drama? I mean, it wouldn't totally destroy my happiness to maybe be a little miserable over a vampire that may, or may not eat me right? And to be faced with giving up everyone I love and care about so that I can live eternally off animal's blood while loving him might not be that bad of a choice to make right? Right?

It's a stupid book. I only wish my very logical and very knowledgeable awareness that such an existence with such a pushy vampire would bring me great sadness and angst would allow me to not want to read said book. This is not promoting healthy gender roles!

My sexuality would be so much healthier if it weren't for the undead.