Top Ten Swords...hehe.

So, I began this list awhile ago and intended on finishing it long before this. However, school, social consciousness, and life got in the way and have kept me from sharing it with you until just now. Hopefully you will forgive me and enjoy this light-hearted, but still quite serious, list I am presenting you. It might be the first of my top ten lists…we’ll see how it goes. In the meantime, I encourage all three of you that read this to post your thoughts, agreements or disagreements, and suggest any names you feel should have made the list.

And so, I present to you my Top Ten Swashbuckling/Sword-Wielding Heroes Whom I Would Like To Marry And Make Babies With! (I could make the title shorter, but I like to be clear about my intentions.)

10. Ash (Army of Darkness)/Lion-O (Thundercats)
Okay, no Ash doesn’t actually wield a sword, it’s a chainsaw, but it is handheld and Ash does kick ass. To make up for it I included Lion-O in this spot for any who might disagree with Ash as a choice. But, frankly, Ash is the only man ever, imagined or born, who can utter the words “Gimme some sugar baby” and make you want to say “yes.” For those not in agreement with Ash I offer Lion-O, King of the Thundercats. His large, he’s in charge, and his sword gets bigger when he whips it out. I think that’s worthy of notice.

9. Wesley (Princess Bride)
“As you wish!” Oh my sweet Wesley, if you would fight the good fight for my love like you did for Buttercup’s I promise I would do anything you wished, exactly as you wished it. And I would let it be known that Indigo is definitely worth loving as well, but I tried to restrain myself to one character from each movie/book/world and Wesley had to be my choice.

8. Etienne Navarre (Lady Hawk)
Was there ever a man that brooded more hotly? Maybe Batman, but Etienne Navarre made me long for a curse--I was so willing to be a hawk during the day as long as he made sweet, sweet love to me forever after we broke the curse. Not to mention he turned into a wolf at night, and that makes him slightly werewolf like--just another factor that contributes to his appeal.

7. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars)/Aragorn (LOTR)
Yes, this is another two-fer. I include Obi-Wan (young, not old) because Ewan MacGregor made my heart do a pitter-patter in my funny places. But a lightsabre is not exactly a sword. Aragorn so deserved to be on the list and I didn’t know where else to put him so it seemed a good solution. I should say that Aragorn comes in as a tie for 7, because while he is hot I find his brooding more a deterrent than an aphrodisiac. There’s just something about the way he keeps putting Arewyn off that irritated the piss out of me. I’m willing to fight for my man, but I’d just as soon not have to keep fighting while he walks off time after time. Even if he is going to save the world as we know it. Perhaps if Tolkien had ever shared just what Aragorn did to earn her sweet love I would move him up in the list. But as it stands, his brooding ranks him at number seven.

6. Kull (Kull the Conqueror)
I know, I know, Kull? Over Aragorn? It’s a travesty of taste, but my funny places, they make me think funny things. And Kull the Conqueror does wield a sword, even he is better at wielding an axe. And he is so, so very hot while he does it.

5. Leonidas (300)
Uh, yeah. I justify not my choice of Leonidas on this list, but I will explain he is at five instead of one, not because he lacks in appeal--good lord he jumps and thrusts and sweats all in itty-bitty, teeny-tiny, little, leather panties--but because being a Spartan wife would be difficult for me. If I had to pick an ancient civilization Sparta would be it, but I’d rather a world where I have equal rights. And it speaks to Leonidas’ unforgiving hotness that he stands at five when we all know what a crazy, liberal, feminist I am. And he treated his wife with respect and equality in their relationship--if ever there were a mental trait that surpassed a physical one that would be it. But, of course, it doesn’t. It’s the leather panties. Nothing beats that.

4. Will Turner (Pirates 3)
No, I’m not normally an Orlando Bloom girl, and I certainly wasn’t before the third Pirates. But the first time you see him he’s all tied up, and wet. And then he stays wet for most of the movie. And then he goes all swashbucklery. All the while loving Elizabeth with the firey passion of a thousand suns. The ending was a bit annoying, but I blame it not on my swashbuckling seaman. Instead I say, “yes, please.”

3. Zorro (Mask of Zorro)
So, three and two were really hard to decide on. In actuality they are probably a tie since it really just depends on which movie I watch at the time. But I went with Zorro as three because he’s hot, he loves you, but he’s always running off to save the world. This isn’t a bad trait, but as he doesn’t have any super powers he might die doing it. The logic is a little bit circular because those traits I am chastising him for right now are exactly what makes him number three instead of not on the list. No, I don’t always make sense and yes, I know it. But it’s the best I can offer. I’ll placate you by saying I would gladly marry Zorro in a heartbeat…cause he’s Zorro.

2. Madmartigan (Willow)
He’s wounded; he’s a ruffian, and he’s the greatest swordsman that ever lived. What you have there is a recipe for hotness that did not go wrong. It was baked to perfection and served in Willow. I blame Madmartigan for my obsession with bad boys, and my obsession with the idea that they might one day stop being a bad boy and love me. Stupid wounded bad boys. At least this one probably wouldn’t kill me while I slept.

1. He-Man (Cartoon)I don’t really feel I should justify this one. He’s large, super strong, incredibly moral, saving the world, and runs around in fur panties. While they aren’t leather they show off an appropriate amount of sculpted everything. I don’t even care that he’s a cartoon. He is, in many ways, the best of everything. And I will never, ever, ever, forgive Dolph Lundgren for letting them give him a mullet when he played the part. Ever. The mullet truly is mightier than the sword. Not even He-Man can persevere in the face of that. But I have my cartoon. And the silly bowl cut doesn’t matter cause frankly, I’m not going to spend a lot of time near his head.