I should be grading midterms right now. I just want you all to know that I know that's true. Unfortunately, I don't expect I'm going to start caring any time soon. That being said what is my purpose in writing tonight? I haven't read any thought-provoking articles today, or inciting books. I haven't even had any particularly deep thoughts. I did rent George of the Jungle and Tin Cup. Brenden Fraser in a loin cloth I'm not ashamed of, but my ongoing Kevin Costner love...well, I think it's a sign of something deeply wrong with me. And so, in honor of that, tonight I give you another top ten.

The Top Ten Men I Love That Might Accidentally Kill Me While I Sleep:

10. Cole (Charmed)
He's hot, he's wounded, and he's half-demon. Cole fights the good fight and maybe if Phoebe was a different sort of woman, or Charmed ever had a decent storyline it could have worked out. Instead he ended up changing reality and making her his wife in a very I-enslave-your-mind sort of way. And yet, I don't care. If Cole were my King I might not hate reigning over the Underworld.

9. Lucifer / Hades
I know, I know--Lucifer? The Devil himself? It's not so much that should I meet evil incarnate that I think my libido would fire, but between Milton, some fantasy novel I can't remember the title of, and countless other representations Lucifer has stolen my heart. The quintessential bad boy, for some reason the character has fascinated me throughout movies and literature. If it's any consolation I even scare myself sometimes. I include Hades alongside because sometimes the poor guy gets lumped in--I see a difference, but I wanted to illustrate that I'm envisioning a less evil-incarnate Lucifer and a more misunderstood Hades. Hades is so in love with Persephone that he sweeps her into the Underworld to live with him. Yes, his is the kind of love that gives you Stockholm syndrome, but wouldn't it be worth it? Just a little?

8. The Goblin King (Labyrinth)
He sings, he dances, he wears glitter and plays with his balls. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the Goblin King. I too stood out in my yard as a youngin' and imagined myself fighting my way to the center of the Labyrinth. But when I got there I saved my brother and didn't necessarily leave. Cause in my fantasy he loved me. In all honesty he might one day grow bored and turn me into a goblin, but the risk totally seemed worth it.

7. Angelus (Buffy)
Yeah, I would rather get it on with Angelus than Angel; it's true. Angel's a whiner. Angel's a brooder. Angel can't have sex with you without losing his eternal soul. Angelus is already bad and, while he might kill you, it would be a heck of good time until he did.

6. The Lord of Darkness (Legend)
In speaking to his father Darkness says, "Father, I hold the world in my grasp and yet, this girl distracts me. It has been an eternity since I have felt such desire. What am I to do?"
And his father replies, "She fascinates you because her soul is pure. To make her one of us, charm her, woo her, change her spirit, hypnotize her, set her free, bring her to you!" I would like to draw your attention to the part about being "set free." Yeah, hard to fight that one, horns or not. That sounds like a definite sexual awakening to me and while it might be bestiality, dear old Darkness sure looked like he would make it worth your while.

5. Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars)
I never thought I would fall for Darth Vader. He was more machine than man and, like the Devil, pure evil. Even when he went good it wasn't in a "oh I'm so hot" sort of good more a "I'm a cyborg whose dying after causing genocide" sort of good. Not hot. But then dear old Anakin woke up from his nightmare sweaty and panting and got out of bed in Episode 3 with nothing on but his six-pack. That was the moment my world changed forever and I knew that I truly, truly have horrible taste in men.

4. Dracula
It was only an okay movie and okay book. But Dracula's a lover. Yes he sold he soul. Yes he drinks blood. But isn't that inconsequential when placed against a love that lasts for all eternity? Sure seems to me like it ought to be.

3. The Phantom (The Phantom of the Opera)
So his face is deformed. With the body of Gerard Butler I am not above making him wear the mask all the time. And quite frankly, the deformity never bothered me that much. From my earliest childhood when the made for TV movie introduced me to the charms of the Phantom I was a goner. He just loves Christine SO much. Granted, he loves her so much she might suffocate from his hands around her throat, but it would be really, really hot up until then.

2. Riddick (Pitch Black)
Riddick seemed slightly redeemable the first time I watched Pitch Black. He seemed to have changed from a misunderstood villain to a loner. Then I realized he stabs Caroline at the end to save himself. Not quite so hot. But Riddick sticks to his own set of ethics. So long as you fall within that set he won't hurt you. In that way he is a safer choice than many of my others. Riddick isn't a hero in the normal sense of the word, he doesn't trust easy and if betrayed he will exact vengeance. But he'll do it with all those delightful muscles bunching and flexing. I might be watching them bunch and flex as the knife streaks down towards my heart, but I'll watch happily.

1. Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre)
Those of you who aren't english majors might be perplexed by this choice. Certainly in my youth I never envisioned Mr. Rochester as the villainous sort. But, upon discussion with Victorian scholars I had to admit what I had ignored the first time I watched Jane Eyre. Locking one's wife in the attic, no matter how crazy, is not acceptable. Yes, it bothered me the first time I saw it. No I didn't let it turn me off Rochester. I found it a quirk, an undesirable trait that obviously wasn't his fault. Bertha was crazy. He had been tricked. It was the only option left open to him. Yeah, yeah...and he wouldn't hit her if she didn't make him do it. But despite all of that Rochester still gives me visions of wonderful, delicious ways to spend the afternoon. And so I keep loving him like any good battered fan would. And I admit that I too, might let myself be locked in the attic if it meant having Timothy Dalton for a time.