New Moon or How I Learned to Handle Inappropriate Teenage Werewolf Attraction

Don’t try to act surprise. You all knew it was coming. I’ve never hid my Twilight love, though perhaps there were those that hoped feverishly I was just pretending. I wasn’t.

New Moon was, quite literally, everything I hoped it would be. There were a few things here and there that I wished might have been more explicated, of course, but overall it was a better made movie than the first one and carried far fewer cringe-inducing moments. There were no random monkey references that were both incongruous and slightly pornographic; there no were no bad animal metaphors that made you want to eat a rack of lamb and shoot a lion. But there was an exceptional amount of shirtless werewolf--often in the rain. I can’t even explain how strongly I feel that was an excellent directorial decision.

Watching this film alongside a theatre full of teenage girls was a humbling experience. For example, the first time each male lead appeared on scream a general “Wooo!” went up from the crowd in the way only teenage girls can. At first I thought I would mock them--I couldn’t possibly allow it to be believed that I might ever partake in such silliness. But as the movie continued I realized that while I might mock them outwardly, the sad fact was the teenagers behind me were screaming the reactions I was having in my own head. It was like meta-Twilight. You sit and watch the film quietly, but every strong thought and/or emotion that passes through you is rerouted through the voices of 300 others who express it with both volume and sincerity. I could pretend I was above it all, but that would be a lie and my dad taught me not to lie.

But all of this is an excuse to avoid what I feel should be addressed: my general lack of sympathy for Jacob’s teenage boy angst and Bella’s continued stupidity with Jacob’s feelings. First, Jacob’s teenage boy angst. He really loves her; she really loves someone else. That hurts. I get it and I’m over it. His rage at her for her refusal to see/consider/explore why Jacob is better for her really wears on me. Not to mention, I feel very strongly that when your best friend is in love with someone else, you know they’re in love with someone else, and they tell you at every opportunity they’re in love with someone else, you sort of lose the sympathy vote when you get angry because (SHOCKING) they’re in love with someone else. It’s not like Jacob can’t say he didn’t see it coming.

But yes--all of his heartbroken moping (especially when paired with aforementioned werewolf wardrobe) can make a person feel kindly towards him. However--and this is definitely I sign of my soulness--I’m over it. You have a short window when you think maybe, possibly, there might be a chance that the person you love is no longer going to be with the person they love and so might love you, and when that all falls a part it could take a moment to bounce back from it. I respect the need to go mope in the woods for a few hours following that. It’s a heartbreak. I have two more movies, however, to sit through his repeated anger at Bella for not loving him back when she never loved him, never said she loved him, and only said, in fact, that she could/would never love him. The girl was pretty dang clear. I have to prepare myself for this annoyance now or the teenage girls aren’t going to so much be spouting my inner monologue so much as shocked at an adult’s reaction to teenage stupidity and their strongly held belief that a boy is allowed to emotionally abuse you if you break his heart.

I acknowledge Bella does complicate the situation as well. When you break a boy’s heart what you don’t keep trying to explain to him is that you really, honestly, truly do love him...just not like that. All he’s gonna hear is “I love you” and the really important part that comes after is carried away on sound waves that never find a home. Her perpetual need to deny Jacob his moping is also irritating; his heart is broken, let the boy go. But no, she’s gotta keep him close for maximum dramatic possibilities.

In the end, the conclusion that must be drawn from all of this is that I will never write books as exciting as Twilight. My story would go as follows: girl meets vampire. Vampire and girl have problems working out relationship. Girl’s best friend steps in. Vampire comes back. Girl breaks vampire’s face before they make up through excessive making out. Girl’s best friend gets jealous. Girl tells best friend to get over it. Best friend runs off and mopes. Girl and vampire live fairly happily for some exceptional amount of time that seems like forever. Best friend realizes stupidity and returns for the occasional cup of coffee. The end.

There’s just not nearly enough angst there for a best-seller.