Don’t Be A Funsucker!

This time MSN has gone too far. There’s no joy they won’t deny. There’s no pleasure they won’t investigate. There’s no life they won’t destroy.

They’re trying to take away my movie theatre popcorn.

I know; it’s shocking. I too had to take a moment to collect myself, to remember what it is I love about going to movies. The darkness, the big comfy chairs, the ability to lose one’s self in the fantasy of celluloid—most importantly, though, the chance to engage in socially approved physical inactivity for between 1 ½ -- 2 hours while eating corn popped in oil, slathered in butter, and sprinkled with salt. Perhaps with a Bunchacrunch by a my side.

But these Tapeworms of Fun don’t want to let us have that. It’s not enough they want to tax our Little Debbie and take away our Soda Pop. It’s not enough that they make us feel self conscious on the beach, on the plane, or in the grocery store (where we’re buying the over-taxed Little Debbie). No, now they want to make us feel guilty about our popcorn. I won’t have it! I will not let them take this from me!

YOU CANNOT HAVE THE POPCORN!

I don’t care if it contains the caloric count of Cambodia’s daily intake. I don’t care if it stops up my heart valves and renders me paralyzed and drooling by the age of 65. I won’t give it up and if they try to make me I will fight. I will call for revolution. I will find the energy not only to get up off the couch, but to rally the troops and lead us all to victory.

You aren’t scared right now because you think we’ll all run out of breath before our revolution really takes off. You’re not wrong. But where stamina and health abandon us sheer persistence will win out. Have you ever seen what happens when you stand between a movie lover and their popcorn? Have you ever seen the carnage left behind when the hedonistic are denied their impulse gratification? It’s mass chaos people. It’s a Dionysian festival of carnage and slaughter topped off with the victorious ceremony of eating junk food and drinking large quantities of alcoholic beverages.

Neither calories, nor fat, nor salmonella will keep us from our small pleasures. Not broken joints, quadruple by-passes, or diabetes will make us put the popcorn down. Your scare tactics are no good here. Your hate rhetoric has no home in our hearts. We will not let you take what is most sacred to our movie going experience and tarnish it with your research.

You are the kid that wouldn’t go swimming because the water wasn’t chlorinated. You are the kid that never ate raw eggs. You are adult that offers only pure fruit juice and water to those in your household alongside organic vegan foods cooked no higher than 108 degrees. Your love is a plastic bag over our face suffocating the joy and pleasure in our existence. You are the funsucker of life.

We are immune to your guilt. LONG LIVE THE POPCORN!


http://health.msn.com/health-topics/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100249578>1=31057