The 10 Goofiest Moments from Twilight

I can’t believe what I’m about to do. In fact, I’m so ashamed of myself that I might not be able to show my face in public...at least not until November 20th when we all know what movie I’ll be attending. But a friend just finished Twilight and got addicted and now we’re watching the movie so I thought hey, I should do a little something about this not so hidden obsession of mine. Because I can’t sincerely admit to my Twilight love, however, I offer this list instead. The top ten goofiest, lamest, and flat out bad moments from the movie Twilight. New Moon is going to prompt the top ten moments when I go to hell for lusting after men too young for me, but that’s another day.

10. You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.
It’s hot in theory; when I read the line I thought to myself, “self, it wouldn’t be a bad thing if someone said that to you.” But upon further reflection I have to take a minute for the sheer teenage silliness embedded in this sentiment. First, it’s only hot for someone to be addicted to you when you’re too immature to realize the implications of that. Second (and this one might be the most important) if you drive someone into a nearly uncontrollable state of lust and violence that could end badly for you both.

9. Every time the vampires are supposed to react.
I don’t know what Catherine Hardwicke was thinking in the editing room, but for creatures that are supposed to be “super fast” their reaction times are a lot more like casual head turns. Seriously--every time there is supposed to be a snap reaction it’s a little bit like watching Dopey Dwarf turn his head.

8. The Make Up
This isn’t a goofy moment, but it deserves to be mentioned. Please, please, please--PLEASE--can someone promise that in New Moon the vampires won’t all be wearing “Sassy Red” lipstick?

7. Bella’s Freak Out
At the end of the movie Edward says Bella should move to Florida and Bella freaks out, ending said freak out with “you just can’t say things like that to me.” Nothing like a girlfriend who has a panic attack when you express your concern to promote good communication. A young man in the theater said “she crazy!” I think that sums up this moment adequately.

6. The Lion-Lamb Fiasco
The line goes like this: “So the lion fell in love with the lamb.” “What a stupid lamb.” “What a sick sado-masochistic lion.” Only teenage love takes metaphor and turn it into something so awfully toxic.

5. Rosalie’s Oddly Porno “Monkey Man” Comment
After Emmett catches a baseball Rosalie says in her best porn voice “my monkey man.” It makes a person feel dirty, uncomfortable, and turned off simultaneously. Rosalie’s a bitch, but do we really have to turn her an Emmett into some sort of sexually aberrant couple?

4. Spider Monkey Abuse
Edward is hot. I mean Edward is HOT. And I can say that cause he’s really 90 so I’m not going to hell for inappropriate attraction. However, when he says “hold on spider monkey” it’s like the heroin moment; suddenly a character that is primarily defined by his hotness becomes weird, awkward, and disturbingly not hot. I would guess the reason is because it is impossible, against the laws of nature impossible, to be hot while saying “hold on tight spider monkey.” Simply can’t be done.

3. Edward’s Wardrobe
Who dressed him like it was 1985? I know the 80’s are back. I cry about it every night before sleep. But seriously; skinny pants are not hot, and the only thing that makes them even less hot is an awful gray jacket from 1988.

2. Edward and James’ Snarling Match
Nothing says “I’m a badass vampire who is going to rip you apart” like opening your mouth and fo-snarling in someone’s face. Honestly--who looked at that shot and thought to herself, “this is the best way I can show the violence and tension of this moment”? Oh I know, the same person that thought “hold on tight spider monkey” and “my monkey man” was hot. Apparently there is some sketchy animal love in Catherine Hardwicke’s subconscious.

1. Bella’s Belief that She is Somehow Going to Save Her Mom
This is my biggest gripe with the book and movie. James, the bad vampire, says come alone or I kill your mom. And she does it?! Has Bella never played a strategy game?! You think a dude that eats people is going to let your mom go after he kills you?! Really? Bella totally deserves to die in that moment. If a vampire tried to lure you away from your only defense you just say no!