A friend asked me yestereve how I was different now from ten years ago. I had told him that my ten year high school reunion was coming up and he asked what had changed most about me. I was flummoxed by the question (always a sign of a good question) and at first I thought, of course I've changed--I've changed so much! But then I didn't have an answer for him. I drink more now; I certainly know my way around the bedroom more aptly than I once did. I'm more likely to mouth off, or get in a fight. But the thing is all of those things were there in high school, I just never found a place to let them out.

I was--what you might call--a goody-two shoes. But I never wanted to be, you must understand. I wanted to do all manner of unhealthy and probably unsafe things, but I couldn't find the kids to help me do it. I fell in with wonderful friends who were all very well behaved, and that saved me from any high school shenanigans to speak of. Going to college I found people more than willing to school me in the arts of the party, but I wouldn't say that was something that changed about me exactly. It was more that I became myself if that makes sense.

And yet, I suppose I am different as we all are. The hormones have faded and we've settled into the people we're going to be (more or less) but I am still flummoxed by the problem of naming these differences. Sometimes I succeed admirably at standing my ground, but sometimes I still fail. I am more vocal and aggressive in protecting my private space (inappropriate touching at the bar is much more likely to provoke a violent response) but I would almost always strike out if pushed to far even back then. I'm significantly more tactful now and aware of the people around me, but I'm still likely to say highly inappropriate things at uncomfortable moments.

Maybe you could say I am more confident now, but I wasn't ever exactly lacking confidence. For sure I had my teenage crazy with the best of them, and I worried mightily over my body, but it never occurred to me until after high school that someone could actually not find me attractive. For most of my teenage years I simply assumed if you didn't want me it was because you weren't seeing the "inner" me. I know--but we've all been there so shut up. As one grows older one realizes that sometimes people just aren't attracted to you and that's okay. It's not a good or bad thing; it simply is. But concurrently, as I accepted that, people who treat me poorly or rudely because they aren't attracted to me are significantly more likely to be confronted.

But all the things that I might say most define me I've always had. I've always been reasonably confident; I've always liked myself. I've never particularly cared if I looked like an idiot as long as I was having a good time. I've always been self-reflexive; I do have significantly more complex ideas than I did in high school, but is that me changing or only the product of more education? I've always been a crazy liberal, and I am both simultaneously more likely to argue about politics and less likely now; that sentences appears to say nothing, I know. What I mean is, I will defend my beliefs until I pass out--that hasn't changed. But, when I realize there is a difference in ideology or I am arguing with someone that isn't going to seriously consider what I am saying I stop arguing--that has changed. Maybe I'm just more streamlined in my use of energy now?

Perhaps if forced to answer this question I would say this: my awareness of my self, my thoughts, my world, and how all three interact is exponentially more evolved and complex now than it was then. It sounds academiceze even to me, but I don't know how else I would say it. I know my limits now, and I know what makes me push past them. I know the insignificance of my thoughts, and I know my egoism depends on them. I know that a small part of me will always wish the ridiculously hot spartan in itty-bitty-teeny-weeny-little-leather-panties will save me from imminent doom and fall madly in love with me. I know a larger part of myself will always hate the small part of me that wants to be saved rather than go through the work of creating myself. I know an even larger part of myself will just read trashy romance novels to soothe the fires of war between those two halves. I know utterly that even if the Spartan did show up I would never accept him unless we were emotional equals in the relationship and it was abundantly clear I would never allow him to save me from myself, even if I did need him to kill the occasional monster bearing down.

Ah, I revise my earlier statement. I know what has changed the most about me: I am now aware, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no one can make me happy but myself, and that I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness so long as I live every day attempting to fulfill my moral and ethical duties as I have laid them out. As an addendum I would add I am of the complete belief that high school is significant only in its insignificance. It never occurred to me ten years ago that I wouldn't change; I think that's why I've never kept close track of the changes that were made.

That's the big one I was trying to explain last night, and that's a pretty darn sweet one if I do say so myself.

My ego's still the same.