Who is Wonder Woman?



On the way home from Albuquerque, my car-mates and I killed well over an hour discussing the possibilities for a Wonder Woman movie. It all came about from my panel chair announcing that the only way a Wonder Woman movie would ever get made was if Megan Fox was “in that outfit” and there was a good script.

There are several things I love about that comment: first, that “the outfit” has become a personified object of fantasies everywhere instead of a costume/uniform whatever; second, that Megan Fox’s involvement precedes the requirement of a good script.

The fact of the matter remains, however, that a Wonder Woman movie most likely will never get made and if it does, it will be awful. There are several reasons for this: 1) they’re going to cast a “sex kitten” who looks appropriately hot and vulnerable while fighting in high heeled boots; 2) they’re going to write some god awful script that revolves around her “discovering the world” with Steve Trevor who also happens to help her discover his bedroom. No way, no how that works, but Hollywood is going to bank on sex selling and that’s the product that’s going to get produced. The best part is, when it fails miserably, executives will just say “told you it couldn’t be done” instead of thinking about what they did wrong.

It gives me heartburn just thinking about it.

What was most fun about this conversation in the car, though, was trying to figure out who we would cast as Wonder Woman. It was also the most disheartening. Specifically there are some actresses that would have made a great Wonder Woman, but they’re all too old now. Whoever plays Wonder Woman needs to be tall, buff, and look most certainly like a woman, not a girl. That means we need someone at least 5’8”, preferably 5’10”+ and between the ages of 27 and 37.

Here is a picture of Wonder Woman as currently portrayed in the comic books:



And were this 1997 instead of 2010 the following actresses would have been awesome:

Lucy Lawless



She was Xena. Clearly she’s got what it takes.

Angela Bassett



There’s no reason Wonder Woman needs to be portrayed by a Caucasian, and Angela Bassett is an Amazon from way back.

Carrie Ann Moss



Her portrayal of Trinity convinces me she would be much more warrior than fantasy.

Michelle Yeoh



Come on. Crouching Wonder Woman Hidden Badass? I think so.

And that’s a requirement with Wonder Woman that cannot be forgotten. She’s a warrior. She’s not just an Amazonian Princess who can fight; she’s not just a beautiful woman with superpowers. Whoever is cast needs a Matrix/300 style work out prior to filming and she needs to be athletic enough to be a believable fighter. Sienna Miller is, therefore, out. (Did you see her as the Baroness in G.I. Joe? No one’s believing that woman is a warrior.)

No one wants to see a warrior woman:



They want to see this:



I should have been using pictures a lot time ago. They make the case for me so much easier.

All the major actresses around now, Megan Fox, Sienna Miller, Kirsten Stewart are too young, too thin, and entirely to waifesh to pass for either an Amazon or a warrior. The closest would probably be Emily Deschanel (at least she’s got the structure) but I don’t know that she’d be willing to undergo a 300-esque transformation to look the part.

Maybe Lena Headey could get it done.



I at least believe she’s got the attitude.

And then there is the problem of the script. The movie needs to be about Wonder Woman--not about her love life and certainly not about “her mission.” The whole “bring peace to mankind” thing needs to be tossed immediately. No one’s buying that one and there is, literally, no way to make that plot line work in a way that isn’t awful. The gods make excellent villains, Ares and Circe specifically, and the best bet would be to make use of Greek Mythology. Hercules fights for the common person, protects them from the gods and all that, and they definitely don’t want to rip that off, but the gods screwing up mortals lives is not a plotline unique to Hercules in any way. There have been several storylines that have involved Wonder Woman fighting for mortals against the gods already--any one of those could be appropriated.

None of this will happen, though. The first and most obvious reason is because there are entirely too many pictures of Wonder Woman looking something like this:



The second and more insidious reason is that no one (aside from maybe Joss Whedon) has ever tried to write a strong female protagonist without compromising. (Check out Halle Berry’s Storm from X-Men. I still get mad about it.) Instead we end up with Amazons playfully splashing each other in a pond (see the latest animated Wonder Woman) and an infantilized Wonder Woman who needs big, bad Steve Trevor to show her the ropes of this complicated world.

Wonder Woman might have a chance if her biggest obstacle was only finding an engaging plot; with all the gender issues added to the chaos it’s almost inevitable she’ll end up the pin-up doll of the superhero genre.

Man...that’s depressing. I suppose I can hope that someone has the guts to just write it (and cast it) the way it deserves, though, but who wants to watch a movie about a warrior woman that actually is the biggest and the baddest?

I do!