The Top Ten Worst (but hottest) Fictional Husbands Ever

We need something funny. I’m right, right? I thought so. In honor of such needs (because I’m such a giving, caring person) it is time for a new top ten list. Therefore I offer...

The Top Ten Worst (but hottest) Fictional Husbands Ever

(I promise to follow with a top ten worst wives soon.)

10. Will Turner



The Why: Orlando Bloom might not seem like an obvious choice, but I defy any woman with half a libido to maintain a frosty visage when he pops up on Davy Jones’ boat at the end of the third movie wet, looking like a true pirate, and sporting a nifty scar where his heart used to be.

The Problem: You get to see him for one day every ten years and he doesn’t age. That means about three days of sexy time for the rest of your life. I don’t care how hot the scar--that’s a bad deal.

9. Mr. Rochester



The Why: I’m imagining a Timothy Dalton and/or William Hurt portrayal with this one. But either way we’ve got brooding, dark good looks, and falling in love with the “plain girl.” Every girl who didn’t have a date to the seventh grade sweethearts dance is bound to fall in love with this guy.

The Problem: Possibly he’s going to lock you in a closet. Or secretly make you his second wife. I know marriage is about compromise, but that seems a little extreme to me.

8. Any Werewolf Anywhere



The Why: How much better can angst be? A man whose animal side is LITERALLY UNCONTROLLABLE once a month? Talk about the beast within.

The Problem: That very same beast that lends him all of his hairy hotness might also maul you, eat you, or at the very least get you arrested for bestiality. Hard to work through that.

7. Anakin Skywalker



The Why: Episode 3. He wakes up from his nightmare in pajama pants and no shirt. I rest my case.

The Problem: Psychopathic serial-killer personality and a tendency to be controlling makes him difficult to live with. Assuming he doesn’t kill you in a fit of rage he might go after the kids while partaking in his genocidal spring cleaning.

6. Dracula



The Why: Gary Oldman showed us that the only mind-tricks Dracula needs are his suaveness and sophistication. Plus, he’s loved the same woman for hundreds of years. That’s serious commitment.

The Problem: Again with the multiple wives, though he does promise to make you wife #1. The bigger issue is that you have to sell your soul to the Devil. Eternal damnation is a lot to ask of a girl.

5. Sir Guy of Guisborne



The Why: Stupid manly jaw with his stupid manly stubble and stupid blue eyes.

The Problem: Not only will fidelity always be a problem, but he will use your child for bait and kill you if you lie to him. That’s a lot of stress to carry around in a marriage.

4. James Bond



The Why: Dude. He’s James Bond.

The Problem: I’m not sure you can count on James to be faithful. And there’s the issue of his possibly hitting you depending on his incarnation and your tendency towards hysterics. Most importantly, however, if James loves you--really truly loves you--you will die. Consider it the universe’s way of keeping balance.

3. The Phantom



The Why: Sure his face is a little messed up. I mean, he makes babies cry, but that voice and that body! (I’m going with the Gerard Butler incarnation here.) And this man can LOVE like no man has ever loved before! Mental neuroses make a guy passionate.

The Problem: Intense jealousy issues followed with probable strangulation. Hard to feel safe in an environment like that.

2. Batman



The Why: He’s honed his body to its absolute peak of perfection. He’s honed his mind to its absolute peak of perfection. He’s the world’s greatest detective. Consider the possibilities for a game of hide and seek...

The Problem: Even assuming you don’t die (because Batman’s need for on-going pain dictates that you must) he brings new meaning to the term “workaholic.” You’ll see him maybe twice a week for about two hours if you’re lucky. And you can’t even complain about it because he’s out saving babies all night.

1. Any Character Portrayed by JCVD



The Why: Have you looked at pictures of JCVD? I think the why should be fairly obvious.

The Problem: If JCVD marries you, you will die. It’s been proven. Consider it a law of physics like gravity or the unattractive result of wearing spandex.