I took a facebook quiz because I wanted to better understand the hidden depths of my soul. The quiz was, "What Shakespeare Character Would You Be?" And my answer was:

"Ophelia. Young and vulnerable, you are in love, but are obedient to the thoughtless powers who command your life. You must play the parts demanded of you, but cannot understand how your complicity can so quickly turn your lover's tenderness to hatred and contempt. Where to turn? Whom to trust? Can you even keep your grasp on reality? Surely the love in that tormented heart can be returned...but will it be too, too late? Shakespearean kindred spirits: Hero, Desdemona, Cordelia, Imogen, Hermione, Hermia, Lady MacDuff, Banquo, Troilus."

Now--this is worth writing about for a couple of reasons. First, I am, perhaps, the least Ophelia-like person I have ever heard of. Second, the "kindred spirits" are not all like Ophelia...at all. The simple fact that these other characters are mostly females from Shakespeare's plays do not make them kindred spirits to Ophelia. Hero and Desdemona are true women wrongly accused. Cordelia has daddy issues. Imogen outsmarts everyone; Lady MacDuff gets sliced and diced at home when her husband more or less abandons her. Banquo's a slightly sketchy "friend" who may or may not support regicide.

So who wrote this stupid thing? Shouldn't a person have to understand Shakespeare to make up a quiz about Shakespeare? And, considering how many Shakespearean characters there are, shouldn't there be some sort of sorting quiz to get you in the right genre and character type? For example, do you 1) crave power; 2) crave abusive love; 3) want your usurped position back; 4) like to hurt people; 5) enjoy wearing clown make-up; 6) just want to love and be loved in return? We have to narrow the pool a little bit here I think.

And, AND--one of the questions on this silly quiz was, "what book are you most likely to read next?" My answer: A Vindication of the Rights of Women. Do you know what book Ophelia would read? Names and Household Uses for Wildflowers. So the next step in narrowing down your (gianormous) pool of Shakespearean characters is establishment of reaction to life changing and/or threatening occurrences. If someone tries to rob you of your freedom, agency, or life do you: 1) kill yourself; 2) attempt to kill them; 3) cry a lot and wait for someone else to kill them; 3) take charge and prove your innocence/independence; 4) wander around incessantly and debate the meaning of life, the universe, everything; 5) take your bat and ball and go home?

I'm incensed (INCENSED) that someone could equate me with Ophelia--even a facebook quiz. That's like being equated with some homicidal dictator responsible for genocide but without even the coolness of being a homicidal dictator responsible for genocide. At least if you kill (or are capable of killing) hundreds, thousands, or millions of people are fascinated by your evil. That's tremendous, fascinating, addictive in its horror. But if you're just a girl who likes indecisive, emotionally abusive men, can't stand up to Daddy, and prone to self-mutilation and/or suicide to escape the soap opera drama your life has become nobody cares about you. They feel sorry for you. They try to imagine a world or a perspective where you're not quite such a loser, but they have to make it up cause pretty much all you do is wander around and be pathetic.

Do I wander around and act pathetic? Am I devoid of identity and voice? Am I incapable of kicking Hamlet in the balls when he tells me to "get thee to a nunnery?" Does my dad speak in bad clichés and suck up to those of higher social status? Am I even capable of falling in love with a guy like Hamlet to begin with? Do I find extreme moodiness and indecisiveness attractive?!

I'm having an identity crisis here. I go to facebook quizzes for relaxing fun because obviously 10 questions made up by a random stranger reveals an unknown truth about my existence. But I don't like the truth revealed to me this day. I think I'm going to go find a man to marry and talk him into murdering someone. At least then when I go crazy it'll be because I DID something.