Anonymous asked: Could you offer your definition of love?

Oh lord, a definition of love? First off, my definition only applies to myself as love, like all other abstract ideals such as identity, ethics, and morality can only be defined by the self for the self if it is going to have any true meaning--I say that with complete awareness that most people never define any of these things for themselves. But, as reading other's definitions can help us further individual thought I will offer mine up here and all can make or not make of it what they will.

Succinctly, I would define positive love as that which pushes you to be the best version of yourself.

Now, am I married? No. Have I loved? Absolutely. Have I loved someone I married or wanted to marry? Not exactly. Do I think that makes me wrong or unknowledgeable about what I should look for? No. Here's why:

In my negative experiences of love as have so aptly been recognized, I've learned precisely what will make me happy. I've been asked to give up my identity for someone else to improve their soul and it doesn't work. It doesn't work because I can't improve someone's soul. I can support them; I can comfort them. I can do any myriad of things physical, emotional, and spiritual to make the very difficult process of soul improvement possible and creative. But no matter what I do, I cannot improve their soul for them. To ask it of me is unreasonable and impossible and leads only to unhappiness for both of us.

Now, I think there have been multiple ideas conflated in what has been discussed so far. You can sacrifice your life, you can sacrifice your happiness, you can even sacrifice your lifestyle, job and emotions and sometimes all of those things are necessary for a short period of time. I would put that in the "support the one you love" category. But sacrificing all of those things is not sacrificing your identity. Furthermore, while identity is complicated and redefined with every major experience, especially something so major as making a life with someone else, it isn't conflated with someone else's identity. The reason for this, I would argue, is that no matter how much you love each other you are always still separate. We could get into a metaphysical discussion, but I'm guessing my spiritual beliefs and everyone else's are drastically different so that must be accepted and moved on. Suffice it to say, I am aware of how one's identity shifts when one decides to consider someone else in all of their decisions, but no matter how close the relationship the energy of two people never becomes one--it can combine, invigorate, frustrate, etc, but it is still separate. What happens after the corporeal realm doesn't need to be debated via this text.

So, willingness to sacrifice identity if it improves another's soul is a false sacrifice because what I would define as positive love, would neither demand nor accept such a sacrifice realizing that the sacrifice would improve neither situation.

How does this fit into my definition of love? For me, I am not a god. I don't want someone to ever place the sort of faith in me that would cause them to give up their identity because they decided I deserved it. If, after much thought and contemplation a decision was made to put me first because I matter more than they in a particular moment--that's fantastic, but it's also far, far different then a giving up of everything they are, everything they believe in, and everything, in the end, that makes me love them. If you don't have an identity, then what am I loving? If I could love you at the cost of yourself, then what am I loving?

My definition is not all inclusive, nor is it set in stone. The only part that is solid and will always remain solid is that whomever I love, friend, family, or lover, will only want and encourage me to be the best version of myself even when they sometimes require that I put my needs on hold to help them. Furthermore, they will understand that who I am, at my core, all the things that make me me, are what they love and will accept that accordingly. This is, of course, true love I'm talking about, or the sort of love that happens only through hard work and much conscious decision making. Now, parts of me will change as will parts of those I love and the relationship will have to be malleable enough to evolve with those changes, but even as two people chose to make one life together in any situation I am involved in (being fully aware that it will bring pleasure and pain by the way) we will still be two people. If neither of us is whole, then neither of us can ever solidly support the other.

There are lots of people that make it work in all sorts of different ways. But I know from what my life has taught me that those who demand I sacrifice my identity were never healthy for me. Identity being different then life, lifestyle, or life choices. I also know that every relationship I've ever witnessed when the couple defined themselves primarily through the other person there were aspects of it that I find unacceptable. Ranging from extreme unhappiness to seemingly simple things like a parent refusing to fight another parent on a child's behalf.

My definition of love is not feasible for everyone, nor would I demand it of any except those who chose to love me. But I would still ask, if you could conceive of a situation where you would require someone to sacrifice who they are for you, then what is it about them that you love, regardless if it is ever necessary?