I watched Poltergeist and Amityville Horror (the original) this weekend and literally had the bejesus scared out of me. In honor of that, and in light of the more serious issues surrounding us, I offer another top ten list.

Top Ten Life Lessons Taught By Horror Movies

10. The Exorcist—when the back of your jewelry reads “made in a third world country
where heathen, pagan religions are still or were once worshiped” go ahead and let it soak in holy water over night.

I figure what can it hurt? At worst I clean things up a little. At best I avoid satanic possession and genital mutilation via crucifix. Everybody’s a winner.

9. Jurassic Park—don’t genetically engineer predators.

I don’t know that it’s technically a horror movie, but it fits for our purposes. And this is an important lesson with modern science being what it is. Why create the Velociraptor? Or the T-Rex? Are the herbivore dinosaurs just not a big enough draw? Really?

8. Jaws—never swim after dark.

I’ve broken this rule and I’m not exactly proud of it. Granted I was in a lake. But then you have prehistoric crocodiles to worry about. Really the abstinence argument holds up here. Abstaining from swimming after dark is the only foolproof way to avoid being eaten.

7. Dracula—be wary of pale, hot strangers appearing in your fiancée’s absence.

If he’s a sexual magnet, avoids the sun, and fixates on your neck you might want to question his motives. I’m not saying true love ain’t worth dying for; I’m just saying you want to make sure you’re going to be wife #1 before you give up your virtue, and your life, on a park bench to a vampire in werewolf form.

6. The Strangers—when someone threatens your life, !^@%(*$ run them over.

This isn’t a hard concept: You break into my house. I get in my truck. You stand in front of my truck. I run you over. Taa-daa!

5. Amityville Horror—don’t let your kids play with invisible friends.

It could be their imagination. Or it could be evil incarnate. The only way to really protect against this situation is to just lock your kid in their room with no toys. It’s for their own good.

4. Poltergeist—don’t buy your kids toys.

That stupid friggin’ clown. Who buys their kid a toy like that? It’s disturbing before it’s possessed, let alone once it comes to life. The moral of the story is that between the clown, the dolls, and the board games children should live a life without toys.

3. The Grudge—when a house is haunted don’t go inside, just burn it down.

You don’t need to burn a house down from the inside. Especially when said house has a habit of killing all those that enter. It can be burnt to the ground from the outside. Trust me, arsonists do it all the time.

2. The Ring—don’t watch random blank tapes left in video stores.

It could be a snuff film. It could be kiddie porn. It could be a crazy, evil, little girl with bad hair waiting to suck the life out of you. All of these possibilities exist in the ether and none are desirable. Who picks up the blank tape from the shelf anyway?

1. Stephen King—bad things happen in small town Maine.

Don’t spend an excessive amount of time in small town Maine. Ever.