I just saw Babylon A.D. I had heard tell that this was a bad movie, and was, in fact, prepared for it to be a bad movie. But then there was Vin Diesel; there was good music. There were several excellent fight scenes--and it all came wrapped in a little sci-fi bow, which is always close to my heart. As I sat in the theatre I thought to myself everyone said this was such a bad movie. Could they be wrong? This really isn't that bad. I trust their opinions, but as long as the ending isn't completely screwed up this is really kind of okay.

But the ending was screwed up. The ending was so screwed up, in fact, that I sat through the last ten minutes of the movie, mouth agape, asking myself over and over again, "seriously?"

Desperately I looked around the theatre at the other three people watching this movie with me. No one else seemed particularly perplexed. I didn't understand. The ending was obviously bad--we're talking Loom of Fate quality bad--but no one seemed to care. Perhaps they fell under the lure of Vin Diesel (something I absolutely understand) but even Vin Diesel acting the part of the lone wolf mercenary--it's quite the stretch for his acting chops it's true--couldn't save the ending of this movie.

Here's the problem: chickadee turns out to be an engineered woman whose basically a living computer, so far so good. Now Computra (as she will hence forth be known) is a virgin and miraculously conceives twins...except it isn't miraculous because it was all engineered through science and the high priestess of this crazy religion that seems to be trying to take over the war-torn world, but no one ever explains what the religion is, why this high priestess is so crazy (is she evil cause she's power hungry and we working on an extended Christianity metaphor or is she evil cause she's a woman in religion?) and how the heck Computra ends up pregnant with super powered twins.

Even with all of that I was willing to go along, assuming it would be made clear by the end. But crazy high priestess makes one last ditch to retrieve Computra, her manufactured miracle, and after Mr. Diesel does what he does and blows crap up crazy high priestess mysteriously gives up. She's not so much the leader of a crazy fanatic religion then as she is ADD. Finally we cut to Computra, ready to give birth, making Mr. Diesel promise to take care of her super powered babies and then dying. Why does she die? Nobody knows. Perhaps when carrying the wonder twins her body couldn't take it. But I would like to point out that female bodies don't just roll over and die pre-labor and then magically open up so you can lift said babies out and move on about your business.

And why the heck are these kids super powered? Is it because they're engineered? Because it's a virgin birth? Does being born of a virgin make one a superhero? I'm pretty sure the only other time it's happened the superpowers came from the dad. Perhaps because she's Computra, engineered woman extraordinaire, her twins (somehow created to activate in her womb on her 20th birthday?) are mysteriously powerful. I'm thinking they must also have time travel--they'll go back in time when they're all grown up, create the Fraternity, and teach some weavers how to read the Loom of Fate. Now there's an ending for ya.

All hail Computra and her Virgitron Wonder Babies.

I hate it when movies blow the ending.