How Do I Tell You You’re A Bad Person?

Now I’m in a writing mood but the question is certainly what to write about? There’s Paul Telfer, my new love:



And there is the really, really awful miniseries that I might have watched last night with my wife because she appreciates Mr. Telfer as well. He was Hercules but he wasn’t the son of Zeus, but he was super strong, but Hera was suddenly a fertility goddess, and the Ancient Greeks wore Roman Armor. Don’t ask. It was just all bad.

But honestly, what’s really on my mind is what to do when someone close to you does something incredibly offensive, even if only by proxy. I mean, obviously you ask them nicely and privately if they would cease the offensive behavior: excuse me Uncle Shamus, would you mind not being a racist bastard in my presence? But what if there is the chance Uncle Shamus won’t? What if he and Cousin Elbert decide that the joke is worth more than how you feel about it and you just need to get a better sense of humor?

You see my dilemma. Compound that with family politics, what is Uncle Shamus and Cousin Elbert’s standing in the family in comparison to yours, and their general sensitivity (which can’t be much if they make the joke in the first place) and you have yourself in a pickle. Of course, I don’t believe that not saying anything is the right choice either: you come across enough drunk old white guys in bars that you have to listen to silently while secretly plotting escape--it just isn’t cricket to have to put up with it in your family too.

And don’t we have a responsibility to those we love not to let them be douche bags? Maybe we don’t; maybe it’s more important to look the other way and stifle your anger, but when someone does something really egregious, makes a gay joke in front of the gay kid, makes a fat joke in front of the fat kid, makes a racist joke in front of well, anybody, don’t we have an ethical obligation to find someone way to point out the inappropriateness of the situation?

And it isn’t like all of you are going to get along all the time, or even that you should speak up at every offense, but isn’t there a line that shouldn’t be crossed? Isn’t there some level of bigotry or insensitivity that goes too far?

Honestly it’s the same part of me that wouldn’t stand down when my friend got beat up in 8th grade. There were, like, 14 of us and three of them and these stupid bullies start picking on our friend. I looked at everyone standing to the side while said friend got beat up and all of a sudden I was charging. I tried to get everyone else to join in, protect our friend, but no way in hell was I going to let him get beat up. So I shoved the dude on top of my friend down and did my best to protect. I wasn’t as successful as I wanted to be, my fist never made contact with anyone’s face for example, and I still don’t feel our friend was appropriately protected (cause he wasn’t) but I just can’t stay quiet when people do wrong things. Making fun of the fat chick, making fun of the kid with a speech problem, picking on the little guy--these are all wrong things.

And I know, not everyone feels this way. Some people who were bullied grow up to be bullies, but isn’t that just tragic? To demand someone’s obsequiousness through force in order to prop up seething self hate is simply unacceptable. And/or, to make fun of others because it improves the way one feels about themselves is also unacceptable. And I’m no saint; goodness knows I’ve secretly mocked more than a few people in my time, but I work really hard not to cross the lines that matter. I also cultivate friends who call me on it when I flirt with actual meanness.

I’m not going to say something like “mean people suck” cause sometimes mean people are really, really funny, but bullies. I really, really hate bullies. Always have. It’s just reprehensible. You don’t pick on people. You don’t tease people. You absolutely never ever make somebody cry. But if more people had a self-awareness I suppose we wouldn’t be debating whether that preacher should or should not burn the Qu’ran.

See? Isn’t there someone in his family who could pull him aside and say, “this is unacceptable?”