Cockroach War 2010: The Cockroach Heard ‘Round My Room

They always wait until you’re most vulnerable. That makes the most sense, strategically. Clearly, if you want to plan an attack that will do the most damage, you are best off waiting until your enemy is heeding the call of nature.

It’s what I would do to these little bastards if I could ever find where they sleep.

There I am, getting ready for bed doing getting ready for bed things, when I hear what sounds like someone slithering into my room. Little did I know it wasn’t someone, but something. Turning from the window I see on my wall a GIANORMOUS cockroach. Just hanging out. Saying “hi.”

Taunting me.

Tempting me.

Thwarting me.

Stealthily I go into my closet for my greatest weapon--Shocaliber; its name translated from the Old Language means “Bane of all Things that Creep and Crawl into my Bedroom Uninvited.“ So armed I prepared myself for the attack. This was a big boy--he was going to crunch a lot. There was a high splatter factor.

I reared back and swung, but as Shocaliber came down the monster leapt off the wall--I was unsure for a moment if he had hid his wings from me under camouflage, such a tactical mistake could cost me my life--when gravity over took it and he disappeared into the dark of bags, papers, and a small plastic container that lay below his former position.

He was under deep cover now--I was going to have to flush him out. But I was up to the task, if for no other reason than the impossibility of my sleeping until he was dead and flushed. I pulled out the first bag and he popped out onto the carpet, but quickly scrambled along the woodwork before I could strike at him.

Next I pulled out the plastic container providing haven; I would offer no quarter, no compromise. He knew that when he twitched at me with his mocking antennae from my wall. There he was, trying to blend into my eggshell carpet and eggshell walls with his pulsating brown and black body. I swung and missed! He shoved himself between the carpet and the woodwork and I could see the gap he was scurrying for. If he reached that gap he would escape me! He would return to this colony of evil and speak of his triumph over ale and women.

All the time mocking me with his existence.

Alas, I was not quick enough. I have sealed his entry way into my room with duct tape and black magic, but I know it won’t be enough. It’s never enough. They always find a way in--I will never be safe. I will never be secure. I must sleep with one eye open, my weapon at the ready. When my students ask why I’ve grown haggard and sallow I won’t be able to make them understand. You can never understand the horrors of battle unless you’ve lived them.

The buds of spring and the warmth of summer herald no happiness for me. As Mother Gaia travels on her elliptic the change of seasons brings only sneezes to my nose and shadows to my eyes. While the rest of life is rejoicing and rejuvenated by the return of crops and the blessings of wild flowers I am fighting for my very soul against those creatures that would invade my bedroom and my bathroom--the inner most sacred sanctums of my existence.

He escaped me this eve, but I will not forget his twitchy appendages and bulbous body. I will have my revenge.

I WILL WIN THIS WAR!