Clash of the Titanically Bad Ideas

I imagine it started with someone’s 6th grade mythology project in 1981. Fresh from the thrill (and I use the word loosely to be sure) of Harry Hamlin’s Clash of the Titans, some intrepid twelve year old took it upon himself to rewrite Greek Mythology and make it “cool.” Unfortunately, due to bad teaching or indulgent parents, this same child never learned that he had grossly misunderstood the myths that so entranced him and that to remythologize, rewrite myths, you need to be smarter (and a better writer) than the average teenage twitter.

This is how a catastrophe is born.

It’s no surprise really; the writers seemed to be lacking experience and one of the two credited for the screenplay is responsible for Aeon Flux--could no one really see this coming? I mean, I don’t have much faith in Louis Leterrier the director either, but he made the most recent Incredible Hulk; you would think after that experience he would have learned the importance of remakes being…you know…good.

Instead this movie is the cinematic equivalent of pyrite: shiny, pretty, and totally useless. The cinematography is quite something; the music is great. But the script, and Sam Worthington for that matter, were the sort of bad that makes babies cry. Is it that hard to buy a copy of Edith Hamilton’s Mythology? It’s like five bucks at your local Barnes & Noble.

Some of the flaws weren’t the movie’s fault, or at least, the first Clash made the same mistake. I’m thinking here specifically of Medusa’s lair which someone, somewhere decided should be in the Underworld. It’s hard to die in the Underworld since you’re supposed to be dead when you get there. Sticking Medusa in the Underworld serves no purpose at all; people don’t just wander in. But hey, it gives everyone a chance to see Charon and talk about “bribing the ferryman” so okay, whatever.

But then (and this might be my favorite part) the Kraken is a creation of Hades? And it was the Kraken that destroyed the Titans? And it was the Kraken that was the mightiest weapon on Olympus? And Hades pretends to love Zeus? And goddesses that have no part whatsoever in all of the story? And (I take back my earlier assertion--this is definitely my favorite part) King Acrisius attempts TO LAY SIEGE TO OLYMPUS.

He attempts to lay siege to Olympus. I don’t…I can’t…I mean who thought that was a good idea. What writer in what room said, “hey, I know--let’s have Acrisius lay siege to Olympus and then Zeus can pull an Uther Pendragon and sleep with his wife while disguised.” You don’t lay siege to Olympus. It’s like trying to run from God (see my Legion rant).

But this whole mess of a grade school script was clearly uninterested in mythology, rules of myth, or even basic fantasy. In fact, what this movie actually proves is that Neo-Platonists are alive and working in Hollywood. Allow me to explain.

Long about 1,000 years ago Christianity was doing real well, and all the borrowing from Greek and Roman writings meant that philosophers needed to explain why we were borrowing from Plato and Aristotle, etc. Since the word of God was the word of wisdom, we couldn’t be building civilization based on the words of pagans who worshiped multiple deities. So began the subsuming of the Greek Myths into Christianity. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this; it’s a time honored tradition and Milton shows off this melding of Greek and Christian mythology to perfection in Paradise Lost.

The problem is that now, four hundred (almost) years after Milton we have the latest Clash of the Titans that felt like Zeus and Hades are boring as the Gods of Sky and Underworld and that this story would be vastly improved if rewritten into some Bible battle over humanity. This means that Zeus goes on and on (and on) about his “love for mankind” and his disappointment in their turning away from him while Hades counteracts with his having learned to live off our fear and hate. Perseus then becomes the savior of man who must teach us how to save ourselves and protect our souls from the corruption of Hades. Yeah, read Genesis and the story of Christ and you can see why they released this movie on Easter Weekend.

Zeus doesn’t have love for mankind. Zeus has love for pretty women as evidenced by his plethora of rape/seductions and demi-god children. Speaking of which, there’s a whole lot in there about how there is “only one” demi-god child (Perseus) and how only he has the power to save the people who have turned away from the Gods. Because apparently Theseus, Achillies, Jason, and Hercules don’t count.

And Io is cursed with agelessness? Because her being a cow was just too trite? It’s like thousands of years of mythology didn’t even exist for these people.

And maybe maybe all of this bad blending of myths could have worked (though I seriously doubt it) except that while we are clearly supposed to be put off by the insulting of the Gods, we are also supposed to believe in the power of man (more rhetoric that gets beat into the ground) and how man has strength without the Gods.

It’s just a mess. Just a horrible, horrible, horrible mess. Horrible mess.

And why do filmmakers keep letting Sam Worthington make speeches? The man is not rhetorically gifted (a bit of a problem considering his career choice) and they really need to keep his lines to a minimum.

Oh, and apparently if you’re a demi-god you know sword Kung Fu after one lesson? But you’re going to turn down the gifts of the gods because you want to do this “as a man?” What does it even mean to do something “as a man?” We’re not talking about a Faustian deal here; we’re talking about using the super sword that will kill the monster you’re supposed to kill without getting everyone else around you killed.

It was just so bad. I’m almost too heartbroken to be that upset.

I feel a little bit like the preview told me I was pretty and promised to love me forever and after I said yes and gave this movie two underwhelming hours of my life it never called me back. And gave me the pox in the process.

I’m just saying; this is the sort of abuse one doesn’t recover from quickly.

Stay away from this movie--if you look at it too long you’ll probably turn to stone.