I’m watching Roadhouse. I start this entry with that information so we can all understand just what’s going on here. This movie...this movie has me irate and I feel the best way to handle it is a top ten list.

The Top Ten Most Outrageous Moments in Roadhouse

10. The sheriff accepts the death of the bad guy and all his henchmen without investigation
We know the “law enforcement” has been paid off by the bad guy, but still. The police show up LITERALLY SECONDS after the last shot is fired. There are dead bodies everywhere. Dalton stands bloody and panting and the sheriff just puts his hands on his hips and says, “Alright, what happened?” The townsfolk, finally sick of what’s happening all say, “I didn’t see anything” and this passes. The law enforcement shrug and as if to say, “Whatever. He was a mob boss and we’re in a bad 80’s movie.”

9. Doc follows Dalton into the Boss’ lair for some unknown reason
Doc doesn’t like the bad guy. She’s pissed at Dalton for some unknown reason. But still, as he fights to the death storming the proverbial castle she runs in to distract him at the end. I swear the only real purpose of women’s roles in 80’s action movies is to distract heroes at key moments.

8. Nobody in town shoots the bad guy
Someone blows up your friend’s store, has been forcing you to pay them for x amount of time, and then rolls up with a monster truck at your car lot with intent to destroy all your cars--what do you do? You pull out a shotgun and shoot the asshole. That’s all I’m saying.

7. The Eagle Claw is the finishing move
I respect the awesomeness of the Eagle Claw. But Patrick Swayze a.k.a. Dalton a.k.a. Johnny Castle dance instructor extraordinaire just isn’t scary while panting heavily and holding his hand up in Eagle Claw fashion. It is, possibly, not the most intimidating stance ever held on-screen.

6. It takes FOUR shotgun blasts for Bad Guy to go down
Close range shotgun blasts. Four of them. Old dude is not the Hulk. Outrageous.

5. Dalton has a B.A. In Philosophy from NYU (and it qualifies him for something)
At one point when the doctor asks Dalton about himself he reveals that he received a degree in Philosophy from NYU. Maybe in ‘89 a bachelors in Philosophy counted for something, but I kinda doubt it. Mostly that says “I want to give off a wounded-dangerous-hurt-deep-down sort of personality.”

4. Dalton leaves Wade alone instead of calling Doc (Kelly Lynch)
The bad guy says I’m gonna kill one of your friends. Friend 1 stumbles in hurt and beat up. So you leave him alone to “go get doc”?! This is not 1889--there are phones! Even in 1889 you could pay a starving orphan on the street to run the message to the doc for you thereby allowing you to protect both friends at once. Ridiculous.

3. People in town never call the FBI
A mob boss in small town (Missouri maybe?) is running the place; you can’t go to the sheriff for help because he’s on the take. It never occurs to anyone to approach the FBI or outside law enforcement? Seriously?

2. Doc flips out because Dalton kills someone in self-defense
Imagine this scenario: douche bag tries to kill you, your friend, and your boyfriend. Your boyfriend fights DB (douche bag) but the fight stalls when DB pulls out a gun. Your boyfriend knocks the gun away and kills DB. What do you do? Do you flip out and yell at your boyfriend? Or do you say, thank you for killing that DB who was going to kill you, our friend, and possibly me after he rapes me?

1. The Doc mysteriously gets over her upset at Dalton’s killing DB after the bad guy’s dead
Your righteous anger mysteriously evaporates after your boyfriend goes on a killing spree wiping out DB’s employer bad guy and all his henchmen. Perhaps the problem was simply that he only killed once person before? More likely it was the Eagle Claw--if I had seen my boyfriend kill with the Eagle Claw I might have needed a killing spree to remind me of his awesomeness too.