Allow me to share the story of the crazy old people in Rhode Island. Apparently, when one grows old in this state, one also becomes bitter, mean, and sometimes stupid. Let's begin with example A, codename: Grandma.

We were at Journey to the Center of the Earth: 3D (yeah, 3D--it was awesome) and Grandma and her grandson sit down a few seats away from us. As the movie begins and plays it becomes very apparent, very early on, that Grandma's a talker. You know the type; the type that talks at movies, loudly enough to annoy, but quietly enough that not everyone in the theatre hears it. Furthermore, she talks pretty much through the whole thing. Apparently, so I was told as I wasn't sitting next to her, Grandma did something more stupendous than not turn off her cell phone. She missed the phone call, checked her voice mail, and then called the person back to discuss the missed phone call. This is the sort of talker Grandma is. At one point I thought my friend was going to kick some Granny butt, but she restrained herself like a champ. Frankly, though, I would have helped her. Granny was in very serious danger of going down.

Next there was example B, codename: Grumpy.

There we sat in the theatre watching Mama Mia! (I watch a lot of movies on vacation) and old people start to pile in all around us. Now, when I say pile in I mean exactly that. The theatre filled up, but before that happened an old couple sat in front and to the left of us, while another old couple walked by making myself and another old lady move our purses since they simply had to sit in the two empty seats between us instead of anywhere else in the theatre--but that's another story. Grumpy gave me and my friend the eye as he sat down and eyed my feet, perched on the bar in front of me warily. I eyed back since I was there first, I didn't have my feet on the back of a seat and he was choosing to sit next to my obviously perched feet in a still very empty theatre. As far as I was concerned he could eat me.

My mother raised me with manners, however, so I was determined not to put my feet anywhere that might ruin his movie experience, but as the movie got going and the music picked up I sort of lost myself in the moment. My foot is now on my knee as my legs are crossed, far, far away from him, but he turns around and starts to say something to me. After a minute I realize he's talking to me and it sounds something like "you kicked me." I'm horribly embarrassed both because I had no memory or recollection of my foot connecting with his head and he's speaking loudly. I think perhaps he's worried I will kick him--a big difference I'm sure you'll agree. So I respond "Oh, I did kick you?" The whole encounter has me thrown for a loop. But then he did something that never works out well for me. He told me what to do.

"Put your foot down," he orders me. I really, really, really...really don't take well to being told what to do. It's a flaw. I need to work on it. I know this. But right now we're at a movie theatre, Grumpy just ordered me around before I even understood what was going on enough to apologize, and there was no more possibility of a peaceful resolution. I responded simply and firmly, "I won't kick you again." He told me to put my foot down again, I told him I wouldn't kick him again. He turned around in a huff and I seriously considered kicking his head very hard, very many times. Furthermore, the words he said at the beginning that I missed (which I think was due to fate) were "Hey lady! You kicked me." All I say to that is really? Hey lady? What are you twenty and is this 1954? If the answer to either of those questions is no OR you were raised with an iota of proper behavior I say perhaps you should never hey lady someone unless you want them to kick you in the head on purpose. The universe protected Grumpy from my dangerously flip-flop clad foot teaching him how to properly inform someone of their obvious mistake in a movie theatre. I know; I kicked him (allegedly). But he was assy. I reserve the right to want to kick him.

Meanwhile, the old lady and her husband who decided they absolutely had to have the two empty seats between me and the other group are singing along to the songs, off-key of course, the lady behind us can't figure out how to shut her phone off, the power goes out due to horrendous thunderstorms, and watersprout oddly enough, we lose sound at the romantic and emotional climax of the movie, and then same lady--whom my friend thought was mentally disabled--begins to clap sort of in time when the sound comes back on and the final song kicks in. All-in-all it was a good movie, but really exhausting to watch.

So after all of this I've come to two conclusions: 1) old people in Rhode Island are insane and 2) old, handicapped, or dying from a disease I reserve the right to kick you in the head--on purpose this time--if you talk during a movie.

This has been a public service announcement.