I've finally begun watching season five of Angel. It is everything Joss Whedon always is, which is fantastic. It's also so much better than season four as to be ridiculous. However, as I sat watching the show I was struck again and again by how much of a brooder Angel is. I mean, seriously, that vampire broods. Everything is serious; everything is cause for more guilt. After two or three episodes I realized that if I ever actually hung out with Angel...I would kill him. Or at least make him cry.

In honor of Angel's magnificent brooding I've decided it's time for another top ten list. I respectfully acknowledge the prevalence of vampires on this list, but what're ya gonna do? Apparently eternal life turns men into brooders. Who knew?

The Top Ten Brooders

10. Mr. Darcy

It seems like an odd choice I'll grant you, and unlike most of the others on this list he is neither insane, undead, or evil. But Mr. Darcy does brood. Think of all the staring he does at Elizabeth; the man seriously stares a hole through her and the A&E version really plays this up. Plus, I wanted at least one brooder who wasn't a bad boyfriend on this list.

9. Nathaniel (Last of the Mohicans, movie version)

What happens when you take Cooper's fairly weak character, unfortunately named "Natty Bumpo," rename it Nathaniel and cast Daniel Day-Lewis to play him? Hotness my friends. Pure, brooding hotness. This movie isn't nearly as good as I think it is; I know that, and yet I still like it. But Mr. Lewis, long before there was blood brooded like a champ, in the woods, in buckskin. I see nothing wrong with this.

8. Dracula

Yes he's evil. Yes he may or may not be the devil, or the servant of the devil, or just misunderstood. But be that as it may, Dracula fairly defines brooding. The man discovers eternal life he broods so much. And, when his true love happens to be born again what does he do? He goes to find her and broods some more. Serious brooding here people.

7. Heathcliffe (Wuthering Heights)

I hate Heathcliffe. Detest him with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. But he is a brooder. I find his character evil and not at all sympathetic--it doesn't help that I hate Catherine too and they pretty much just destroy each other. Two crazies don't make a right people. However, Emily Bronte's character sort of defined the brooding, windswept, wild man before anyone else knew what to call it. Therefore I acknowledge his place on this list. I still hate him though.

6. Edward (Twilight)

I've only read part of this book, but it was enough to know that Edward was a serious brooder. He's a vampire. And he's been in high school for nigh on, what, one hundred years? That's brood worthy, I'll grant you, but when you combine brooding with high school...high schoolness? I'm out.

5. Lance (Voltron, Red Lion)

Going back and watching this show as an adult I'm struck by how much of Lance's brooding might be attributed to his obviously homosexual nature. I mean, really. When I was little I loved the guy because he was always so angry (why is anger so hot to little girls?) and his passion was exciting. He and the Princess never got together, though, and I'm pretty sure it's because he's gay. Just goes to show brooding doesn't have a sexual orientation.

4. Cowboys (In General)

We all know how I feel about cowboys. And I should say I'm not talking about cowboys as people here, but more specifically how they are portrayed in movies and books. Hell, even in Lonesome Dove the cowboys brood. Maybe it's all that time on the plains. Alone. Probably it's because they've all lost a love somewhere in their past and betrayed by another. It's a hard life being a cowboy. So you go on a brood with your harmonica. There's no judgment here.

3. Jazz Musicians/Poets

This seems to me self-explanatory. Have you ever met a jazz musician or poet? Ever? That's what I thought.

2. Batman

These last two are hard. Batman comes in at number two only because of time; what I mean by that is, Batman only gets to brood for the span of one human lifetime. Now, he does brood more than any other character created most of the time, but eventually his brooding will be thwarted by age. But we know how I feel about Batman and his broody-self.

1. Angel

Angel gets to be number one for the same reason Batman is number two. We're talking centuries of brooding here people, and by all appearances he won't ever stop. Plus, Angel hasn't only failed to save innocents, he's killed some of those innocents. That's pretty intense. It's not that I don't understand his motivations for brooding, you see, it's just that eventually I don't care.

And this is why I'll never make it with a brooder. Oh well.