I'm really tired of not being understood, so I'm going to use this post as my personal sounding board. It's unexpected I'm sure--I rarely speak my personal beliefs here. There is even a chance this won't get posted, but it's 1:30 in the morning and that's just the time for things like this to be make it onto the internet.

I appear to communicate in a violent, irritating fashion. I state my opinions forcefully and it seems that I am constantly misunderstood because of that. When I'm lucky, someone asks me politely for clarification and ascertains that I didn't actually mean what I said; when I'm unlucky someone attacks back working from what they thought I said, regardless of what words I actually used.

This is a ongoing situation in my life. When I was an undergraduate a professor awarded me an A because she "knew I had potential" not for the work I completed in her class. In a very long, very personal letter she informed me that I did not deserve the A but was being gifted it. When I was a masters student a professor sent me a very long, very personal email where I was accused of not caring about my career as a graduate student and was wasting everyone's time. He went ahead and finished my letters of recommendation, but wished I would just go away and not return until I was serious. Now, as a doctoral student I've been accused of plagiarism and awarded an A in the class even though my work was apparently sub par for most of the semester.

When I've attempted to broach the subject with almost anyone, they look at me as if I'm either overreacting or kidding. The reason I'm sharing this is because I've found it incredibly frustrating to be unable to communicate. Furthermore, the silencing I've experienced at almost every turn has been almost as frustrating as the experiences themselves.

Where am I going with this? I've never been a particularly serious student, and I've never been incapable of completing that which I attempt. What's more, I think most people conceive of me as generally unaware of my surroundings and tactless in my interactions. It then becomes that when I attempt to discuss any frustrations it is assumed that it isn't that big of a deal, or it was avoidable because it was instigated/caused by me in the first place. Oddly enough I've noticed two very gender specific reactions--women tend to brush me off and casually change the subject; men tend to engage me and then talk over me insisting that I said what they think I said and refusing to listen to me as I offer clarification. Both reactions have tripped my temper and it wasn't until this moment that I figured out why I'm writing all of this down.

Nobody likes it when someone else is unhappy. In fact, we would prefer that those who are generally happy stay happy all the time. When they aren't it unnerves us, makes us uncomfortable and we silently wish they would shut up (at worse) or crack a joke and try to cheer them up so things can return to normal (at best). But rarely do we just let them talk. I've experienced this in my own friendships and this semester with other students and even with my awareness of my discomfort it wasn't until this exact moment that I realized this is what I've been doing to people and what is being done to me. I'm not talking in absolutes here; not everyone does this to everyone all the time, but it happens enough.

I'm not trying to write an accusatory, whining diatribe here, but am attempting to speak, to make noise, about how much silencing occurs every day. I didn't realize until this moment how often we silence each other because we just don't want to be bothered with honesty. We don't want to be bothered with the burden of understanding. I'm as guilty as most, certainly more than some; like most everything in my life, though, I didn't become aware of it until it happened to me.

My point then is not that I am frustrated that I am a bad communicator, but that I am frustrated because so many times I am not allowed to communicate. Meaning is half made (at least) by the listener, but I think when a listener refuses to allow the other half to be made by the speaker, they are silencing--once that happens, once you tell someone what they've said instead of allowing them to explain it you've removed their voice. You've silenced them.

So this is me, speaking out. I can recognize my aggressive and threatening tendencies, especially when I'm riled. My question, then, is can anyone name them for me, or am I just supposed to accept my silencing and play the game? Be what is expected of me without challenging those expectations? Because that is really, really, not going to happen.