Benadryl is legalized crack. Is everyone aware of this? I took two capsules the other day and spent the afternoon in a haze previously felt only while engaging in activities that will not be admitted to. I took one tonight and am still alternately giggling and yawning. I have to sign my life away for a bottle of Robitussin but I can buy all the Benadryl I want. I honestly feel this is further proof of our government's hard fought success with the war on drugs. Well done Washington, well done.

Now, obviously I'm not going to discuss Atlas Shrugged while living in my Benadryl high even though it is done, but I did want to take a minute to ask an important question: when did I become that old spinster that sits in her parents' house and watches t.v. with them? I mean, I know the answer is tonight, but what I'm trying to ask is actually how did this happen. Two weeks ago I was living in Las Vegas, living the really unexciting life of homework and grading, but on occasion I did things like drink beer and go to male strip shows. How I'm in the middle of a corn field somewhere watching hours of t.v. on dvd with my parents getting high on Benadryl. Someone explain to me where all the cool in my life has gone.

Now, my parents are very cool people, I love them a lot, but they're a little bit like Abbot and Costello. Take, for example, a conversation they had my first night home:

Scene: Mom and Dad sit in the living room watching an old musical from the 50's. The actress dances across the screen and Dad wonders about her identity. They television is loud enough to make conversation difficult and Mom and Dad are seated just far enough apart that they can't hear each other clearly.

Dad: Is she in Showboat?
Mom: She was in Showboat.
Dad: I don't know if she was in Showboat.
Mom: She was in Showboat.
Dad (a little harshly) : I don't know if she was in Showboat.
Mom (patiently, but louder): She was in Showboat.
Dad (obviously irritated): I don't know if she was in Showboat!:
Mom (screaming back now): She was in Showboat!
(offstage in the other room I am heard laughing loudly)

This is what I come home to people.

I wouldn't have it any other way, of course. The sort of entertainment my parents provide would sell an arena full of tickets in Vegas, but tonight as we finished up our fourth or fifth episode of The Closer I looked at the time, just past midnight, and thought to myself "Self, you used to be cool."

And that notion has me wondering. Am I no longer cool because I don't go out and play broken, addicted child movie star every night or am I no longer cool because I don't want to go out and play? Even when I try and find my inner trollop she only lasts about an hour before she has to dive back inside and recuperate. Am I just getting old or is it perfectly acceptable to slip away into spinsterdom as long as you are happy doing it and still go see Thunder Down Under on occasion? These are important things to figure out because I need to know if I can live with myself before I commit to being myself.

Oh, yes, I left out one important detail. In between episodes of The Closer we took a break to pop popcorn, take Benadryl, and (wait for it) Prilosec. Not only do I wile away my evening watching tv on dvd with my parents, but we take heartburn medication together too. That's right, you didn't think this story could get better until you got to that part did you.

This is why I don't fear the Children of the Corn. I've lived here all my life (until recently). The worst thing they can do to me is throw a deer in front of my car and consign me to a life of heartburn and hanging out with my parents. Of course, were I forced to spend the rest of my life with my parents I would also have to play dvd goalie with my dad every night. He has a list of five to ten dvd's, you understand, that he cycles through. Despite his collection that extends across multiple shelves he only wants to watch the same five to ten dvds every night. And the worst part is, if you turn your back, even for a second, even to save a baby from the middle of the intersection, he will slip one in. And once the dvd is playing it's too late; there is no changing the movie once it's playing. Should the cornfields seize my soul I'm not sure I could exist playing dvd goalie for eternity.

Obviously I need to sleep off this Benadryl and see about securing my passage back to the desert. It is kind of fun watching them with each other. Hollywood might paint true love with an orchestral score and sweeping landscape cinematography, but I'm going with something closer to Abbot and Costello for sure.