I am unhappy with my previous post. I feel like if I'm only going to have the time and energy to write one post a week it should be worthwhile. That last one wasn't funny, it wasn't brilliant, it just...was. I apologize to you all. The problem is I'm too tired to be funny, and maybe even too tired to be angry.

That's not true. I just read several articles that made the case for treating my students like clients and I'm near to bursting with anger. The question is can I present it in some sort of helpful, constructive way? All signs point to no.

Perhaps instead I could provide a top ten list. It's been awhile and I feel I've neglected my duties as a list-creator. So it is I give you the most evil things of all time. I've left out all the obvious ones (Hitler, Medieval Catholic Church, etc) and tried avoid naming any names of politicians or political commentators. I'm interested in the true evil in the world; the evil that sneaks up on you and crawls into your subconscious, nesting there until you are defenseless. These aren't things you an fight against--they suck the fun out of life and leave you a mewling, broken heap on the floor.

Top Ten Most Evil Things of All Time:

10. Rubber Snakes
There is no point to rubber snakes. It isn't a fun toy. It isn't a cuddlely toy. No, it exists purely as a weapon of torture for those of us that can never tell if it is rubber or real and are too paralyzed by our fear to check it out. This toy was invented by the wicked to punish the good, and I want them to know that I'm on to their little game.

9. Deep Fried Oreos/Twinkies
Whatever nutritional value (which isn't much) are present in Oreos and Twinkies to begin with is demolished through the process of deep frying them. Not only do they become unhealthy, but a veritable heart attack on a stick. You can't even enjoy them as you eat them because your throat closes up as it might when introduced to arsenic. And if you do manage to force the thing down, then the true evil begins. It's nature becomes very apparent around forty minutes later when your digestive track purges it as quickly as possible. Fire in the hole baby. Hellfire.

8. The Notebook
You might be wondering what The Notebook is doing on this list. It makes it precisely because of it's insinuating nature. There are any number of movies that might stand as pure evil--sugary goodness that you are powerless to resist--but I think The Notebook stands as king among them. At least with August Rush we knew we were supposed to hate it. The Notebook just leaves you morose, wondering how you can be so sad when they've lived a full and happy life in love. That's the work of the Devil, and Nicholas Sparks is its master.

7. Emperor Palpatine
More than Darth Vader, more than Hannibal Lector, Emperor Palpatine is the truly evil villain. He is, in fact, so evil that he embodies the dark side. So evil that even the good guys can't pick up on the fact that he's TRAINING SITH LORDS. Obviously he was sneaky. Or the Jedi were kinda dumb. I might vote for both.

6. Self-Help Books
You've seen 'em in the store. You've felt the pull as you walk by. Do you know what that pull is? Have you recognized it? It's the lure of evil, tugging at your soul. These books promise answers, solutions, easy steps to follow to cease your existence as a worthless human being. Once you start down the dark path you're forever one more book away from finding the answer. If you walk this road, pretty soon you wake up one morning wearing all black and a scuba mask wondering why you're more machine now than man, twisted and evil...

5. Memory (Cats)
Grisabella the glamour cat. A.K.A. Grisabella the prostitute cat. Don't say you didn't know it. This song has been butchered by mothers and daughters at talents shows for over two decades now. It's been the single cause of more melodramatic moments than Beaches. But knowing this, knowing full well its true nature, it still pulls at your memory. People who say they don't react to this song just don't want to admit their inability to stand strong in the face of evil. It's okay; you don't really have an option. If this song doesn't get at least a twinge you're dead inside anyway.

4. Tim Curry
He was a f&*(ing scary clown. He was a disturbingly hot Lord of Darkness. He was a lecherous Cardinal. But most importantly, he was a sweet transvestite. If evil had a name, it would be Tim Curry.

3. Spandex
Created by the demons of the world to attack the unknowing. First there were the 80's and as we passed into the 90's we thought we had won the war. Now, as the fashion trends have turned we've realized it was but a battle. Don't give up people. Remain vigilant. If you lower your guard for even a second you might walk outside and realize that you put spandex on that day and thought it was a good idea.

2. No Child Left Behind
I had to. How could I not? Children/Students as products? Commodities? Teach to the test not to knowledge? Discouraging of imagination and creativity? This is how democracies turn into dictatorships. The only surprise is that it isn't number 1, but then how could anything beat...

1. Skinny Decaf Latte
It has watered down milk, no caffeine, and no taste. In our thrill to look like we enjoy life so that no one knows we read self-help books, wear spandex, binge on deep-fried oreos and twinkies, watch The Notebook, work out to Memory, and secretly crush on Tim Curry, we order the Skinny Decaf Latte and pretend to be a "lover of life." When one drinks this so-called drink, however, one is not a lover a life. One is, in fact, a black hole of fun. As these people approach I run away so as not to cross their event horizon and be sucked into their lightless, dark abyss for all eternity. It's possible they are wormholes, but I think the only place they transport you to is hell.