Are you fucking kidding me?! “What if no one were fat?” is the article brought to us today by msn.com. The author describes a vertiable u-fucking-topia.

Forgive my use of curse words twice in three sentences, but I’m a little irate. And by a little, I mean a whole friggin’ lot.

If no one were fat we would save money in medical, transportation, and personal expenses. We would all have $4,000 more dollars a year to spend on whatever our little heart desires. I can’t possibly see the flaw in this logic, can you? Because obviously, when money is saved in the economy (if in fact, any money would be saved) it always ends up directly in the pockets of the people, spread out equitably across the country. Doesn’t that sound a little like trickle-down economics? Didn’t those not work the first time (or any other time we’ve tried them)?

The medical industry, for example, wouldn’t have to spend all of its time and resources on treating fat people. What does that mean? Other people who need healthcare and aren’t getting it because they can’t push their way around the morbidly obese to be seen by the doctor will now be helped? Children, smothered by their fat mothers, will no longer be injured? We’ll finally be able to cure cancer and AIDS because no one will be wasting their time on strokes, or heartattacks or diabetes?

It’s a really good thing no one has mentioned what the education system might do if it no longer had to waste time on No Child Left Behind, or what our government might do if it weren’t fighting false wars. I’m glad we can instead point out how fat people are holding our country back. How fat people are making YOU more poor.

And, AND, fat people cause airlines to burn more fuel and cost themselves more in gasoline. Their clothes also cost more which in turn uses up more of the world’s resources. That’s fantatsic, because for a minute there I thought the aristocracy was wasteful in its owning of three or more houses, driving of hummers, and wasting of everything in a party lifestyle. It’s also good to point out that if my ass were smaller clothing makers would be able to make more varities of clothing which would, in turn, allow all women of the world to look more attractive. Who knew that I was keeping women ugly? Here I thought I was actually doing everyone a favor by serving as the obligatory fat girl. And I’m also really excited to realize that our lack of ability to clothe our women properly, charge reasonable prices or, oh I don’t know, see them as people, occurs not because we live in a patriarchal society that oppresses everyone (women and minorities chief among them) but because fat people are sucking up all the resources.

Do you see how informative this article is being? It works from the premises that a) fat people cost society x amount of money and it is only fat people contributing to these expenses and b) if fat people were done away with this money would go back to the people whose bank accounts have been squeezed by the magnificent weight of the obese.

I’ve got a premise for you: if there were no stupid people, I wouldn’t have to read this article. I would then save ten minutes of my life reading and responding, my blood pressure would go down and my stress level would reduce which would in turn save me on future medical bills. I wouldn’t overeat as I wouldn’t feel a rebellious need to flip my (fat) bird at society and I wouldn’t then die early after years of suffering from diabetes, heart attacks and my own worthlessness as a human being. This would in turn save everyone around me approximately half a lifetime of emotional strain in dealing with me being fat which would translate to an incalculable sum. No doubt they could probably get that big screen t.v. they’ve always wanted. In the end I conclude, therefore, that it isn’t my fault that I am fat, poor, and oppressed, but the people who write this article and others like it that destroy my self-esteem.

What? I can’t make that claim? Why on earth not? You mean to say that I am responsible for my life and my income, and the government will probably take my money regardless of everyone else in society? How can you say such a thing! You mean to say that we once talked of black people, native americans, and every other minority in terms of their economic value? You mean to say that people aren’t measurable as monetary figures?

I don’t believe you. Obviously my fatness is an immorality that must be addressed posthaste. After all, every second I exist I cost YOU money. I’m gonna get right on that. Right after I eat this cookie.

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Insurance/Advice/WhatIfNoOneWereFat.aspx