I finished my latest cowboy series tonight, and I'm left feeling exceptionally bereft. Not that the show was all that good, but I thought I had a whole other disc to go through and then...it was just done. It's such a shock when your cowboys are taken from you so suddenly, especially since it didn't seem like a series finale--I can't help but wonder if they were hoping to get picked up again the next season. Oh well, I guess The Magnificent Seven will not be riding again anytime soon.

The cowboy archetype is a strange one, though. It's had me thinking on it for the past few days. Cowboys (as a character) are polite but traditional, fair but patriarchal, intelligent but down-home. He's the alpha male without all the pomp and circumstance, the true alpha. He doesn't need to prove he's the best, the strongest, the fastest, it just rolls off of him in spades. He also treats ladies with respect, but it's a respect born of a cultural norm I despise. And yet, every time he tips his hat to a lady I swoon.

So what in the world is a girl like me, crazy ball-busting (and ball-loving) feminist that I am, doing loving on cowboys?

I don't know if it could ever work in reality. He equates irrationality and hysteria with women and all that is strong, rational, and good with men. I equate that sort of mindset with idiot. But then he wears those boots and rides a horse and shoots a gun. And I don't even like people who are big on guns. Cowboys are inherently Republican--I'm inherently not. They like a woman who can be a lady and I like a man who'll love me while I fart. You see my problem here?

What is it that draws me back time and time again to the cowboy fantasy then? What is it about this archetype that makes it so appealing? I would hazard that part of it was my upbringing; being in the midwest the sort of ubermensch rough-riding rebel appeals to me. But has my socialization been so strong that I can't shake it or is there something about the cowboy archetype that appeals to me as a heterosexual female? Is there even any way to figure it out?

The way to discover my answer, I suppose, would be to look at the qualities I find so appealing and decide if they are inherently "cowboy" qualities (whatever those may be) or qualities owing nothing to any particular type. The qualities would be (at a guess) in no particular order: moral goodness--not Bible-thumping god-fearing moral goodness, but run into a burning building to save a baby moral goodness. The kind that doesn't hit other people without good reason, stands up for the little guy and never, ever judges unless given proof of character failing. Strength--both physical and mental. Someone who can lift what needs to be lifted, work hard all day and what not. Someone who also handles stress well, adversity and all that. Crying is natural and fine, but crying every day/week/month because something went wrong? A little excessive. Intelligence--duh. He doesn't have to be the same smart as me, but he does need to be reasonably educated, and quick witted. Good at what he does--talent is sexy. I won't say it has to be a cowboy talent--carpentry, music, hell even math--any talent is fine. Deep--hanging out with shallow people, people with nothing to talk about and no ability to learn is exhausting not stimulating. Funny--must be able to laugh. Nobody likes a sourpuss.

So these aren't specifically cowboy traits. I suppose the respect that I find so enamoring in cowboys falls into the moral goodness category, respect without judgment. Hard to pull off but so incredibly attractive when done well. The actual cowboy gun-slinging activities would fall into talent and strength categories. And, of course, it occurs to me now that what I'm describing here is a hero. The cowboy archetype is just one more version of the hero archetype. And that, of course, brings us back around to square one. Are heroes sexy because heroism appeals to some innate attraction zone inside of me, or have I been socialized to find heroism hot? Or is it both?

This might seem like an odd tangent to consider, but you have remember that knowing why you like something is often as important as knowing what you like. Liking what you like is not nearly as harmless as everyone would like to believe. That doesn't come from a Southern Baptist place of judgment, just cold experience. My hero worship isn't necessarily as dangerous or destructive as someone's say, rape fantasy (many people, men and women, have them) or ethnic preference or any other socialized unhealthy yearning we hide behind "it's just what I like." But it does shape what I look for in men, how I approach men, and how much I allow men their humanity--which, for those of you keeping score is what I'm always harping on is being denied women. Stupid knife, cutting both ways. You'd think girls would get at least a good decade or two to objectify men. But no, we have to be all wise and mature about it--recognize that just because he's a hero doesn't mean he's not human and vice versa. So inconvenient.

I guess where I'm going with this is the question, do you fall for and seek out the archetype because it is so much less messy than a real person, or do you try to find it because that's what you really want? And if you really want just the archetype (which, even as I type this I realize I don't) what does that say about what you're looking for in a relationship? An archetype would be sort of like a blow-up doll that talks.

But even after voicing all of this I'm not sure I could shake my attraction to specific male characteristics and my lack of attraction to others. And if that is true, how do you ever change what society has taught you? Should you try? Is it worth it? Do you try to keep it from happening to your kids?

Or do you just like what you like and move on?