All I really want to do is go back to the ocean. Instead I'm going to talk about sexuality. Why? I don't know; because it's something to do I guess.

I just finished reading Twelfth Night for class. In all honesty I only half read it, but I did watch the whole movie (which was also for class). Shakespeare plays around with attraction and sexuality a lot in this play and it made me start asking questions. I understand it's hard to believe as I rarely ask questions.

My most pressing question is this: where does attraction reside? Is it purely physical, purely mental, or somewhere in between? When I was younger I took the road of many a young, teenage, chubby girl--that it is purely mental. That if someone just go to know me and weren't so shallow he wouldn't help but fall in love with me. When I got older I began to realize that I, for all of my "appearance doesn't matter" rhetoric, was, in fact, unable to be attracted to particular men--even if I found their personality fascinating. This is turn made me ask the question, is it possible that some men will simply never find me attractive, either because of my weight or despite it?

I think, as a starting point, I would say that attraction is a mixture of physical and mental responses. This seems supported by the way a personality can both increase attraction and destroy it. But I want to say there is some physical reaction there, some biology at work, because sometimes you see someone and are immediately aroused. Not ready to have sex aroused, but attracted. And sometimes even if there isn't what one would call "attraction" there is what we as a society call "chemistry."

However, is it possible to discover how much of our physical responses are purely biological and how much have been created by the society surrounding us? If you have learned your whole life that a particular physical body is attractive then how, when you are fifteen, twenty-five, or forty, do you know if you are reacting because your body wants to mate, or reacting because you've internalized that as "sexy?" Are you following my conundrum here?

I have, at different points in my life, had people completely uninterested in me because of my physical appearance. I have also had friends effuse about my beauty, usually women, but not always. And also, amongst my friends, I am consistently told I am "not fat" which is a patented untruth. But I believe, that they believe it. This raises the question, do you see someone differently after you know them, or do we refuse to see egregious physical failings (as defined by society) in the people we respect and love? If you find yourself attracted to someone, or even just imagining them as beautiful, are you forced to also deny that they are fat, or stupid, or any other loaded term that depicts a failing of not just the body, but the character?

I don't think it is possible to establish what is biology and what is not, quite honestly, at least not where attraction is concerned. Sexuality, gender identification, these things might be discernable, if only because when someone cannot conform to society it must be concluded there is something else keeping them from conforming than a simple state of immorality or rebellion. But attraction, attraction is not the same as sexuality or gender identity.

So what causes it? What affects it? What makes us lust after some but not others? Can you love sexually if you are only mildly attracted? Do couples sometimes find their partner unattractive? How often? Why? Did it occur over time was it always there? Some of these questions I assume I will find answers to some day, but some I may never. Of course, I keep reading books that theorize about such things and so perhaps the answers are forthcoming.

And, finally, due to our Christian culture (and one could argue the other big religions of Islam and Judaism) we have the moral/ethical belief that if you think a thing it is as bad as doing it. This has given rise to significant strife over lustful thoughts (not to mention angry, hateful, or any other type of thought). Are lustful thoughts avoidable, or do we "allow" them into our heads? How much entertaining of such a thought is too much entertaining? When is a fantasy acceptable, and when is it cheating?

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. Regardless here are some thoughts for you all to contemplate. I am curious as to your thoughts on the matter. Maybe next time I find myself attracted to someone I will attempt to break down the feeling. Of course, usually I'm too busy drooling to think academically, but perhaps if I'm trying to think academically I will neither drool, giggle, nor be mean. And then I might get a date.

Hey there's an idea...