This has been bothering me since last night, and I'm not sure I can lay out my argument clearly, but I'm going to try anyway. It concerns women and sexuality.

Obviously, this is an extremely complex subject, and I'm not interested in discussing it in broad general terms. I want to discuss particularly, is what could be known as the thirteen-year-old blowjob girl. Every school has them; that girl who as soon as she hits junior high starts "favoring" boys. Often she gets a boyfriend early and always has one, usually an older one. The reason this is on my mind is because of a conversation I was taking part in, while discussing one version of this particular girl I pointed out that probably she wasn't quite right in the head.

This was, perhaps, an unfair assessment as not every girl who delights in providing sexual acts at a young age is wrong in the head--I certainly don't know what age becomes acceptable for loss of virginity; I think (and I'm sure most of you would agree) that depends entirely on the girl. Some girls are ready at sixteen, some not until twenty. But my question is, are any girls ready at thirteen? I would even expand it to ask are any boys ready at thirteen?

I have known people who gave blow jobs at twelve and they weren't molested or suffering from any obvious tragedy or self-esteem issues that might normally be used to write off such behavior. And I don't exclude the possibility that some girls are ready; that it isn't a matter of fitting in, or impressing boys, or feeling loved. However, in our society, with our socialization practices, and the extreme weight of the Madonna-Whore complex that girls feel from almost the moment they are cognizant, I'm not sure it is particularly likely for such an occurrence to happen here. I don't have any credentials to back my observation up outside my own status as a woman, and my studies of feminist theory. I do, however, believe this gives me more insight than a man. Perhaps that is fallacious, I wouldn't deny the possibility, but as I would never presume to argue that I know what it is like to grow up a man, I don't believe a man could conceive of being a woman any better. Especially a particularly closed-minded man that is well known for making fallacious arguments in all other cases.

My point is simply this--thirteen, while on the cusp of maturity is certainly not mature. Perhaps in another place with a different socialization process it could qualify, but not here and not now. I don't want to belittle those who have experienced tragedy by saying one "hasn't lived enough" by thirteen, nor do I want to exclude the possibility of a particularly "old" thirteen year old. Lolita comes to mind, but I haven't read the book and that's why I'm not bringing it up. It might have significant bearing on this conversation, but, regardless, I think she would be the exception, not the rule (if you read the story favorably).

That being said there is a difference between experimenting with boys your own age, two thirteen year olds, or perhaps a thirteen and fourteen year old, and experimenting with a boy that is practically a man. A thirteen year old and an eighteen year old have a lot of difference--it might only be five years, but it's a big five years, especially if she is still in middle school. All of this leads up to me asking the question is it possible that she wanted of her own free will, through no negative ideas about her femininity or need to be loved, to give a blow job? I can't deny the possibility. It seems to me, however, extremely unlikely.

I don't think this is an anti-feminist response because I am choosing to believe that young teen age girls can't enjoy sex with older men--rather I think this is an awareness of how much baggage a girl carries, even at thirteen. Sex is different for women than it is for men. In choosing to have sex we are making ourselves completely vulnerable--you are letting someone into your body. For anyone that doesn't know what that feels like imagine your revulsion at the idea of homosexual sex with another man, then, multiply it. I say multiply it because due to all the extraneous stuff that gets heaped on women's sexuality it's never a simple thing for a woman (or rarely). A blow job is simultaneously the most empowering experience and the most debasing. Like any sexual act if done properly it's wonderful and fun, but if done wrong it's incredibly humiliating. I don't even know that I could explain properly without a whole blog discussing those feelings in and of themselves. Sex is simply too complicated for women in this society. Not the act itself, but the mental repercussions that go along with it. We (women) jokingly call each other sluts and whores as a way of acknowledging the behavior and laughing it off, but I don't know of any one I have ever met that hasn't at some point felt like a bad sexual encounter was, to some degree, her fault. That she should have been more discerning. That she has lost some value of self because of it. I've known some that didn't admit it, and I've known some that got over it, but in most cases the fallout is the same. You seek further validation through sex acts searching for the one man who will love you and heal you. This is, of course, a false assumption, but one we are fed through Lifetime, romance novels, and everything else.

I suppose my point is this--a thirteen year old girl might in complete innocence think it's a good idea to give her first blow job. And if, following that experience she launches into repeating it with whatever guy she can find then I would have to assume either the experience was unpleasant or something else was wrong going into it. It isn't that the blow job is a bad idea or that sexual experimentation is a bad idea (I would hope my views are clear on this) but thirteen is not the same thing as twenty or thirty. You do not have the sense of identity to protect against the message of the "unclean woman" at thirteen. And if your first blow job goes wrong make no mistake, you will feel unclean.

I wanted to discuss this because I'm seeing the next move in the rhetoric chess game of those in power against those who are powerless. The sexual revolution happened and now we hold it up as if all the societal pressures and judgments disappeared. Women have the pill, women can make the choice, therefore, it is silly to assume that women wouldn't want to engage in prostitution or stripping or giving blow jobs to anyone who will let them. But that's not true. We have the pill and we have the choice but we still don't have our bodies. Now we are supposed to use our bodies to give pleasure instead of holding them chaste, but we are simultaneously supposed to be discerning in our use so that we are "mostly" chaste. And what's more we should celebrate the choice a woman makes to work in a strip club or pornography or prostitution or sexual promiscuity before she can drive.

And yet you still don't want to take those girls home to mom. That seems like an odd celebration of freedom to me, how about you?