I got called fat tonight. Not a statement of fact, but a pointed "At least I'm still thin." I believe the last time some one tried to insult me via my weight I was twenty and the comment was "at least I'm not as fat as Jessica." Six years later the sentiment is the same, but I'm happy to say I am not. I didn't cry. I didn't yell or even bite back. I knew if I spoke nothing but venom would come out and so I abstained. The comment was made because no snappier insult was at hand and like a cornered dog, he snapped at me. I feel a strange sort of pity, and yes, anger, at that.

I forget sometimes that I'm fat. I know, that sounds odd, how does one forget she's fat? And the truth is I don't, not really, but I forget how I appear to other people. I forget that when they see me the first thing they see is a fat girl. Not everyone, certainly, but enough. Being reminded hurts, but it isn't the fat part that hurts; it's the powerlessness that comes with it. What I mean by that is when someone insults you for your appearance (or sexuality or gender or race) there is no reasoning with them. You can't explain to them why it doesn't work as an insult or how they failed to be witty or even how it crosses the line. When dealing with hate, however unintentional, you are simply left with no recourse but to fight it with dignity. I can. I have. I did it tonight, but it comes at a cost. All I want to do is scream and yell and perhaps physically hurt, but none of that will get the point across. The simple reason being if they feel it is an insult to call you what you are then you've already won, but you will never make them admit it.

It's a cliché to say that people make fun because they are insecure but the older I get the more I feel it is true. And when I was younger I was hurt very deeply by such things. To have it acknowledged that I was unattractive--especially over something I should, conceivably, be able to change--was akin to torture. After all if I were thinner someone would love me. And the only reason I wasn't skinny was because I didn't have the mental fortitude to work for it. I had, therefore, no one to blame but myself for my lonely nights. And, what's more, it was rude of me to expect someone to find me attractive; it was, in fact, rude of me to go out in public and pretend to be attractive. No one wants to look at the fat girl. No one wants to sleep with the fat girl. Not if they have the chance to sleep with the skinny girl.

That is, of course, all ridiculous and I now know that, but it doesn't change the fact that others still believe it. It doesn't change the fact that every time I meet new people I have to wait for an opportunity to make a joke so they will see me as funny, charming, or witty, and not simply fat. It doesn't change the fact that every time a friend calls me to come out I know their guy friends will be disappointed I'm what they have to flirt with. It doesn't change the fact that men looking for a quick lay constantly hit on me thinking me easy and insecure.

The best part is everyone always feels so bad after they call you fat. As if they know they have crossed the line. As if they know they should be better than that. But they do it anyway. And they still think it, regardless. Others condescend. "You'll make someone a great girlfriend/wife someday." "Why can't all girls be as cool as you?" "I wish I could find a girl like you." As if they are unaware of the words coming out of their mouths. And it isn't about being found attractive or unattractive--I long since stopped caring whether everyone found me attractive or not, but it is about being objectified. Especially because I'm a woman.

This is why I get so upset with the fight against "obesity." I get upset because my weight relegates me to an economic and societal number--am I healthy? Am I costing society money? Am I being a bad citizen? Fat people are one of the last bastions of acceptable prejudice in this country and it is becoming more acceptable every day. And the economic concerns, the news reports, the fat camps, and talk shows--it isn't about helping people get healthier or helping society; it's about the objectification of people fat and thin alike. By judging them based solely on one aspect of their being we can categorize and judge. Good citizen, bad citizen, attractive, unattractive, healthy, unhealthy, strong, weak, so on and so forth. If the issue were really helping our citizens lead the best lives possible we would have free healthcare and no judgment. Has anyone ever wondered if the obesity rates would go down with that? I might very well still be fat, but others might not. And regardless, when did it become okay to stereotype? Objectify? Demean? Dehumanize? Discriminate? Did the civil rights movement fall on deaf ears?

I'm off topic here, but only by a little bit. And frankly I don't want you to think that me being called fat is worthy of much notice. It is more a statement of how easy we all find it to use someone's appearance against them when outmatched. If someone's too witty or sharp of tongue it happens as it did to me tonight. If someone feels they must compete it is used as women do it to each other. If someone feels innately less valuable or worthwhile it is used to level the playing field. And I have to ask if anyone truly finds that acceptable? When faced with the truth of the matter, commenting on appearance as carrying any truth about a person's worth being juvenile and flat out mean, does anyone honestly feel that is okay? And if you do, why? Because it is owed by one person to another to be attractive? Because everyone could be thin and beautiful if they tried hard enough? Because there is a morality to it that should be addressed?

I am, no doubt, preaching to the choir here and I'm not looking for sympathy or words of comfort. More a heightened awareness of what we do every time we let someone say "why would he date her?" or think to ourselves "wow, I'm glad I don't look like that." And I do it too. I do it for appearance and I do it for intelligence. Every time we objectify and demean someone we demean ourselves. That's why you never feel as happy being snide as you do being loving. At least, that's true for me. And I think that is because to hate someone else in such a manner, you have to hate yourself--at least to some degree.

So yes, I am fat and I am emotional, though I'm still not gay. Who knew Las Vegas would be a larger more flashy version of my elementary school playground.?