I ask you this: since when did losing weight equate a heroic activity? If lost 70 pounds is that the equivalent of saving a baby? 1.5 babies? Does every 50 pounds equal a baby? I mean, come on—if there’s publicity in it for me there might be serious incentive to lose weight.

My feelings this fine morning are prompted by the following story http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18399649/site/newsweek/ titled “Interview with a Former Fat Girl.” I’m not begrudging her anything, but I am asking the question, what makes this woman qualified to write a self-help book? My anger is two-fold here. First, that anyone with a minor grasp of clichés is allowed to write a self-help book, but second (and more importantly) that losing weight and keeping it off is somehow on par with trekking across Middle Earth and throwing the damn ring in Mount Doom. Hello! My ass is not the one ring that corrupts the souls of men, dooming them and all civilization to a hell-like existence.

In all honesty, there might be some ex-boyfriends that disagree with that statement, but I think we can discount them as biased contributors to this conversation.

Honestly people, I enjoy hearing about other people’s triumphs; I love to know how they have conquered adversity, overcoming tremendous odds and possibly a really bad fashion choice to become the impressive, genuinely good person that is worthy of my respect. Losing weight isn’t easy, certainly, nor is keeping it off. But is it the weight loss that is really worth praise here? How about learning to love oneself? How about learning to live your life as you want to, enjoying each day? Or maybe how you learned to stop judging yourself and others? Just throwing these out here as possibilities—you know, things that one might, if they were so inclined, feel the need to appreciate.

But no, let’s not appreciate any of those things. Rather let’s mention that the weight loss prompted them, or maybe they went hand in hand. But let’s focus on what’s important, what REALLY matters. That so-and-so lost weight and kept it off. She accomplished something millions of other women have tried and failed to do. She’s happier, she’s healthier, and she’s prettier. And now she makes more money, she’s married (or her husband loves her more) and she is the sort of woman we should all emulate. All because she lost the weight!

I got news for you people. Skinny women are just as likely to be bitches as fat women. Sometimes more likely cause they’re friggin’ hungry all the time. Loving yourself, being worthy of love, being a generally good human being that inspires people around her—these are things that have nothing to do with the size of one’s ass. In fact, despite popular belief, pretty people are no more likely to be “good people” than ugly people. Fat girls are capable of liking themselves.

So here is the self-help book I want to read. I want to read how someone went for a run, came home and ate a fucking ding-dong. Why? Because she wanted to. Because she had raging PMS, a boyfriend that farts in his sleep and a propensity for stinking up the bathroom. So she got up, feeling horrible, angry, and upset, went out for a run so she wouldn’t take out her anger on her boyfriend, came home and ate the fucking ding-dong cause the chocolate made her happy. Then she kissed her boyfriend, told him she loved him and meant it. Despite his stank-ass and sleeping habits. She meant it because he was an ok guy and she was able to appreciate that. She loved him because when he realized she was a raving bitch that day he HANDED her the ding-dong and begged her to eat it. He was more worried about her being happy than the calories. And after she eats the ding-dong, despite the raging PMS, she is still able to look around the room and say life is okay.

That’s the self-help book I want to read. The book about a woman that loves herself and is part of relationship that is loving. A relationship based on qualities that surpass both our physical appearance, bodily functions, and mood swings. That’s the sort of woman I can respect.

Losing weight just means you lost weight. It has nothing to do with your qualities as a human being. What a novel realization.