We interrupt your weekly scheduled broadcast to bring you this short rant about how my needs are not being met by television programming—specifically, Veronica Mars.

I recently began watching this show as I am a fan of “tv on dvd” but as I am almost caught up with the third season (those episodes currently playing) I am left wanting and unsatisfied. Let me tell you why. Veronica and her on again off again beau Logan have yet to have wild, passionate, hot monkey sex complete with a wild, passionate, hot monkey-like relationship on screen. Where’s the monkey sex people?!

I have real life. I have a great life with great adventure and lots of wonderful boring non-monkey sex related activities. I have a handful of fond memories of a romantic nature and more than a dump truck full of crappy ones. I don’t need to see what I get everyday in the real world on television. That’s why it’s fantasy. That’s why I watch it. I turn on the tube to see hot people having the sort of wonderful, wild, hot, monkian-sex fueled relationship that I usually only read about in trashy romance novels. Do you see where I’m going with this?

Veronica dates Logan: good. Veronica and Logan break up: not good, but angst so possibility of good when getting back together. Veronica and Logan get back together: good. I see none of the wild, hot, passionate monkian activity that normally accompanies such getting back together festivities: not good. Veronica and Logan break up again: still not good. I don’t want all angst all the time. Please, I would let Steel Magnolias play in the background on repeat until I shot myself in the head if that were the case. What good is a fantasy if you can’t enjoy it? It’s like seeing the hot guy at a restaurant and then having to overhear him making bigoted, idiotic comments. A perfectly good fantasy ruined. Ruined I tell you! If you’re blessed with looks and not intelligence then do all of us a favor and don’t talk. I still won’t date you but at least I can still dream about it. And if you’re going to make a really good television show with a really hot guy lead then please, please let him have wild, hot, passionate, monkey sex with the main character. It’s the least you can do for all of us that chose a college major lacking in single, straight, manly-men.

Some day I’m going to have wild, hot, passionate, monkey sex of my own. In the meantime I am obviously going to have to write a television show of my own since Joss Whedon is out of commission and he is, as of yet, the only one to fulfill all of my fantasy needs.