I had a realization the other night. I know you all love my realizations. A lot of comment has been made at different times in my life about "I’ll find the right guy", or "it’ll all work out" (blah, blah, blah, life is fuzzy bunny rabbits and pink cotton candy). But I know now what I couldn’t explain, but have always known inside. I know why I think I will never marry and most likely, never engage in any sort of long-term relationship. I have no patience for drama.

I don’t like it, I don’t court it, and I don’t put up with it. When it comes to picking up a guy most girls play "the game" with their big eyes, and meaningful looks, and seemingly casual touches (or sometimes bold strokes depending on the situation). I don’t do that. If I decide you need to know I want you I’ll tell you. If I decide I want to suck your dick or fuck you I will. There are no play-tender moments; there are no misleading words. I can’t do it.

Now, does this mean I don’t crave some sort of tender loving relationship? Of course not, I am human after all, but I cannot come by it through dishonest means. I cannot substitute a session of fucking for my need to "make love". That’s part of the excitement for some people, the thrill of the chase and all that. I don’t have the time or the patience for chase. I’m too fat and too lazy to chase anybody or anything for more than a couple of steps. There is too much to do in life and too much to see for me to waste time playing with you and your craziness. Can’t do it. Even in friendships I can’t stand it. I want to laugh, have fun, make good crazy stories that are backed up by an honestly good time, not the two of us playing the "who can be badder (or crazier or whatever you feel like being)" game. I know what I am. Why do I need to compete with you?

But people want that thrill. People want to run around the room after each other teasing with words and touches and glances and riding the edge of what might happen. The adrenaline rush of what could occur is so addictive that cutting to the point takes all the fun out of it. I understand that, I have even been there, but always when the rush is over you’re left with nothing. You’ve got nothing more substantial to hold on to but the imaginings of the night before that burn away in the morning sun. I’m not going to waste mental energy trying to hold onto a mirage for adrenaline’s sake. For just about everyone in this world that cuts me out of the picture. Everyone uses sex and the thrills of sex to fill the urge of feeling loved for a night. I refuse. I’m not going to pretend I care about you if I don’t, and I’m not going to degrade my feelings for you with meaningless sex. Self-awareness is a deadly thing. That means people who want to play the game with me are left finding comfort with someone else and those I might spend time on never try as I never offer them the rush.

I’m not a completely honest person, I lie when I think it saves everyone pain (though inevitably it doesn’t) but false emotions hold no nourishment for me. They degrade me as a person and lessen me as a woman. That’s not true of everyone, but it is true for me. I will never marry because I will never ensnare or entrap. I will never lead anyone on a merry chase to my bedroom or run after a possibility to his. It just isn’t going to happen. I will fuck when I’m horny and sleep alone that night. Nothing but drama comes from playing games and pretending life is anything different than what it is.

I don’t do drama and I refuse to compromise.

Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t say "ooh," and "that’s too bad" or "she’ll learn". You don’t know what I’ve learned. You don’t know what I know or who I am—certainly not better than myself. I will not run away from happiness if I find it with another person, but I will not try to turn some cheap imitation into the real thing so I can fill that imaginary need of having to be loved. I’m loved by my family and my friends. I don’t need a significant other to qualify me as a woman and human being. I am content with who I am and life offers me enough excitement without me creating more because I can.

So I suppose the point of this statement is to tell you don’t worry about me. Don’t think you know what’s good for me or what will happen or what I will learn. I do not presume to predict your future so please, offer me that same courtesy. It’s fine for the rest of the world to play the game, but trust me—I’m fine without it.