I am a crazy bitch. Now, when most people make that statement it is accompanied by a smirk or a smile and everyone understands that said person is not a crazy bitch in truth, just having a bad day (week, month, whatever.) I am not just having a bad day, week or month (because I am but that isn’t the sole culprit) I am a co-dependent, neurotic, crazy, chic. And, unfortunately, it’s not the cute crazy so I don’t even think it will get me laid.

Co-dependency: I’m going to do {insert emotion, action, feeling, whatever here} for you no matter if you asked me to or not. Then when you do not show appropriate {insert whatever emotion, action, feeling I think should be shown here} to me I will become angry, hurt, and upset. Yeah, cause that makes perfect sense. I know it’s crazy; I know I can be crazy. Does that stop me from being crazy? No, I’m still crazy.

Are you sensing a theme here?

Now, in my defense (because I can’t just tear myself to pieces without rationalizing at least a little bit) I have had good reason this particular bout of pms to be co-dependent. I’m not saying I was justified, but I do feel as if at least a small part of my craziness was earned. I mean, when your good friends have a habit of disregarding you while in you are in the room to seduce/make out/or screw the guy that happens to also be in the room it can hurt your feelings. Being the third wheel is never fun, especially when you’re supposed to be with people that include you. It feels like shit, I’m not going to lie to you.

But, that being said, I can accept that and move on. I don’t think it is egotistical of me to say I can deal with most any situation and move on, because I have and I will. I’m a survivor. My friends mean too much to me to let stupid shit ruin our time together.

Now I know what you’re all thinking—I should stop being so damn defensive and live life a little. The comment that was added to the last post (and I loved it by the way, that’s why I switched to a template where comments were available) said something to the effect that shouldn’t I let the tingle in since that is what makes life worth living? Here is my answer to that.

The tingle is never not there. I can’t change how I feel—it isn’t possible. People who say they can or do are lying to you. Feelings and emotions are beyond anyone’s control. What I can change is how I act. It’s not that I don’t feel the tingle or try to protect myself from the tingle, it is that I refuse to shortchange myself anymore with silly games and substitutions. Yes, passion is what makes life worth living; living on the edge is what reminds you you are alive. But I want to live on the edge for a purpose. I want to risk my life and/or emotions knowing that I am doing it for a greater gain. I’ve had my fun in and out of the bedroom. I’m too old to keep convincing myself the moment will last forever. It won’t; it never does.

If I can’t have it all, I’m not settling. I’m worth more than that and my life is worth more than that. I get plenty of excitement just living—I love life and I love people. But I am not going to keep hurting myself hoping a knight in shining armor is going to save me. Knights don’t exist any more and we sometimes forget that those we love are people too. We want them to be greater than they can be. We want them to be superhuman and always say and do the right thing. That isn’t going to happen. It never has and it never will. When you love someone you have to love all of them. Otherwise you’re living in a fantasy—I have movies for that. I don’t need to delude myself with the mundane stuff too. Accepting someone’s flaws takes a lot of the spark out of it. Accepting someone is no more or less than anyone else removes all those wonderful elements that keep us coming back to chick flicks and trashy romance novels. But loving someone truly offers something a movie and a book and a fling can never give you—contentment. Knowing that I love someone completely, accepting all that he is, fills me with a much greater energy than simple passion. It is a thought that makes every day a little bit easier to handle. It is something that could destroy me and I accept that too. Should I ever love and be loved back I will not run from it but I will embrace it. I will not cheapen it with childish antics and silly games of seduction, but I will lock the bedroom door and alternately make love and fuck the shit out of him until neither one of us knows who is who and where one ends and the other begins. I will not settle for less than that. I will not make believe that is there when it isn’t.

And if it is there I will not ruin it by treating it like a drunken fling. That is not something you fuck with be it yours or someone else’s. If that regulates me to living my life alone so be it. I am happier knowing it exists and just isn’t in my cards than I ever would be trying to force it into existence. I accept myself and others as we are, completely, as humans. I’ve found life to be a whole lot better when I just let myself live my own life instead of trying so hard to live someone else’s.