I severly dislike people. Apparently when I sign into yahoo messenger I am signed on to a network where people can find me. Fine, great whatever. So a random person says "hi". "Hi," I reply. What follows is a severely one-sided conversation with me talking and him saying only "can I have your picture?" "Can't wait to see that picture." Now, I'll send him my picture, I don't care. I'm just sitting at home on a Thursday night on the computer. Why not waste a little time chatting. But you know what? Why start a conversation with someone if you don't want to talk? Why say "hi" if you have no intentions of following up? Why refuse to talk until you see a picture and find out if the person meets your physical standards. HELLO?! It's the fucking internet people. We are not here to find soulmates. You do not meet soul mates over the computer. You don't even find good dates over the computer. Instead you find someone that maybe makes you smile a little bit why you waste your thursday night, sign off when you're tired and never think of them again. That's how it is supposed to work. This is not a match-maker to help us find our "other half". And no offense, but if you are contacting random people over the computer asking for pictures you don't really have any ground to judge others.

Yeah, I'm blunt. Yeah I'm tactless. It's a fucking internet chat. I barely tolerate word games in person I am not going to participate in them online for people I neither know nor care about. But the question of the night is this, why talk to me in the first place? Why initiate conversation? Why?! Why are boys dumb? I have no interest in stroking your ego, meeting out back of McDonalds to suck your dick or pretending I'm Carmen Electra so we can have cyber sex and you can splooge all over the screen pretending it's my face. No thanks, I'll pass. Obviously I need to find the little button that does not automatically sign me in and not participate in random internet chats anymore. It seems I truly am old and the days of the casual chat are gone. Now everyone wants to meet someone great and funny and witty. Well fuck all y'all I know enough great, funny, witty people and I have no need of the internet to provide me with more of them. I played the internet game awhile back and it blew up in my face. Now I'm pissed off because I'm not playing the internet game and stupid people are still messing up my night with their inanity. Guess what, I'm not going to cater to your thoughts. I am what I am and it that scares you or unnerves you or bothers you I am not sorry. I am a hell of a lot of woman, physically and mentally. Take it or leave it, but if you can't handle it leave me the fuck alone. Good-bye.

Marriage: 1) The state of being married 2) a wedding 3) a close union

That is the definition from Webster's New World Dictionary. At what point in that definition is it stated or even implied that same sex marriages are not an option? Why do we as human beings continue to presume we have the right to dictate the lives of those around us?

I do not understand. I simply cannot comprehend the judgemental mindset that others have. At what point do they think they know what is best for me or my friends or the American public? This isn't war, this isn't an issue of national security, this is not a situation of taxes or economy. This is a purely private issue. People involved in long-term "close unions" are denied the basic rights of heterosexual couples because they cannot be legally married. That's bullshit.

Love is love. I don't care who you are, what you wear or who you like to fuck. As long as it's a perosn and not an animal where is the problem? Our job as humans is not to do God's job for him/her. Our job as humans is to keep an eye on our fellows; do our best to improve the lives of those around us. We don't have to agree with the decision made by our neighbors and we certainly don't have to like it, but if it doesn't harm anyone what right have we to dictate the behavior? I know, some conservatives will argue that homosexuality is a danger and a threat to the family lifestyle. They are ignorant. It is as simple as that. Homosexuality is no more a threat or a moral failing than heterosexuality. Homosexuals do not procreate (at least not with each other) but aside from that their lifestyle is no different from that of a heterosexual. Where is the problem? Why all the debate and angst and amendments?

I am so furious I find myself having trouble forming a proper argument. It is a fight that can never be won. People are stupid and they always will be. I'm so tired of the shallow, judgemental behavior. I am so tired of biting my tongue when stupid people say stupid things. I'm so angry at watching intelligent people, those I know and even like in some cases, engage in the same behavior. Why is it so amazingly hard to simply accept people for what they are? Always judgement must be passed--how they talk, how they look, how they eat, how they sleep. How about if someone is a good person, a truly good person, the rest of it is inconsequential? Yeah, it matters if you are going to marry the person but we aren't talking about you getting married here. We're talking about letting a happy couple live together in the manner they see fit with equal rights. This is the god damned United States of America and we can't accept everyone for who they are. If you don't see a problem with that then you I don't think you know what it is to be American.

Oh holy hell, I have good stories from this weekend! I suppose I shouldn't sell myself in the first line because the stories aren't that fabulous but more odd...oh well, I'll tell the tale you decide.

It all started Friday afternoon--I leave work and return a voicemail to my soon to be sister-in-law to discover two things. 1) my brother has a job as football coach and 2) they have decided to move the wedding up a year. Now the first is cause for great cheer the second is cause for extreme action. We now have three months to get this thing planned. Looks to be interesting. So Saturday comes, I go into work for a couple of hours before meeting my mother and sis and heading to the bridal shop. A hellacious car ride later we are trying on dresses and doing the crazy wedding dress dance. A whole lot of squeezing, pinching, sucking in and sweating later a wedding dress had been found. Three dresses after that we had the bridesmaid dresses. It was absolutely amazing. For those of you whom have never shopped for wedding apparel you might not understand the sheer magnitude of this task or the extreme luck required to find both wedding dress and attendants dress in one day. But we did. And it was all pretty and flattering. I still can't believe it.

Saturday progresses we go to dinner, everyone goes home and around 9:00pm I fall asleep on the couch, move to the bed at 10:30. Looks to be a normal, lame saturday night right? Oh wait, there's more.

2:00 am the lights flip on and I hear my roommate yelling something at me. Waking up more than a little bit groggy I finally understand she is telling me to get up and get dressed. We are going out. I don't go out after going to bed. I definitely don't wake up at two in the morning to go out. However, go out I did. Her latest internet boy knocks on the door, walks in looking like a hippie hoodlum and we're off to see my friend's band playing at a bar down the street. Here I shall digress to give you a little bit of backstory.

My roommate has taken to the yahoo personals scene. While it hasn't yielded anything fruitful yet, it has certainly provided some funny stories. I shall refer to these gentlemen as #1, #2 and #3. #1 was a perfectly nice man that was perfectly not her type. Scrawny, boring and sheepish she would have broken him in half long before anything exciting was ever considered. #2 was a self-proclaimed straight man who had the soundtrack to "Beaches" memorized. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions on that one. #3 showed up at our door last night at two in the morning. He is a gym teacher who supposedly does 150 push-ups and 1000 sit-ups a day. He would qualify as "wiry". He is also the former lead singer of a heavy-metal band, has a crazy old army jacket he bought from the salvation army and a weird hair on top, bald on the sides haircut. None of these things are particularly negative--they simply aren't my roommate. He couldn't be more not her type if he were a woman parading as a man.

So, we are now at a bar watching the band. It's mostly late nineties, early 00 metal music and I don't mind because I love that shit. My roommate, however, was less than the thrilled. The crowd...the crowd is where the true story lies.

I have always wondered, through my sci-fi/fantasy novels, what it would be like to meet zombies or brownies. I met both last night. The crowd moved like half-dead animals, hypnotized by the screaming music pouring from the speakers. Everyone moved in time, dancing in exactly the same way, their bodies contorted in perfect unison to bounce back and forth with the bass drum pounding into our guts. It was amazing and scary at the same time. But then I looked around and saw by the door a most unbelievable sight. It was a large man, probably somewhere around six feet two inches or so in bib overalls. His outfit was inhanced only by the straggly, long gray hair lying lank on his shoulders. He also had a large brown birthmark on his forehead. All of these characteristics separated would be nothing amazing, but too see such a person, encompassing everything at once blew my mind. You just don't see people like that normally. I was worried for a moment I had never truly gotten out of bed.

We make it home safe and sound, lay around and talk as best we can with our ears ringing louder than the phone and eventually go to bed around five or five thirty. It was two this afternoon before I awoke again. Not ten minutes after getting out of bed I drug my foot across a nail sticking up from our tack strip and ripped an inch long chunk of skin off my foot. That one hurt. When you gash yourself within ten minutes of getting up just go back to bed. There is never a more clear cut sign that the day just isn't going to go your way.

So that is my weekend story. I don't know why I was so worked up over Valentine's day, after all it's just a day like any other. But I'm a woman and I think I'll pull that excuse out again to cover my ass. Maybe I'm just a crazy bitch...nah, couldn't be. I'm entirely too sweet natured for that. ;)

Alright, I make no apologies about the words that are on this page. Read at your own risk.

I absolutely *hate* valentine's day. I hate it with a passion I normally reserve for comic books, movies and men. I think what I hate the most, however, is that no matter how hard I strive to be a strong, independent woman this stupid, contrived "holiday" makes me feel like less of a person for not having anyone to romance me. Every valentine's day I have to watch all the couples around me jump off the bridge of stupidity as they try to woo each other with expensive romantic gifts and heartfelt cards written by Hallmark. And despite knowing that to spend money on valentine's day is stupid and meaningless, I still would like to jump off the bridge just once. Just to see what it's like. I suppose having never received flowers in my life the cliche is a little less over done for me, huh?

The really odd thing, though, is that more than romance and flowers and chocolate all this gooey, lovey-duvy, bullshit just makes me horny. How does that work out? Cuddle time is fantastic but can I please have lots and lots of sex first? Is that too much to ask? Where is the middle ground for women anyway? The gender roles have been so amazingly blurred in the last thirty years that I feel myself at a loss for how I am "supposed" to act. I think it is a marvelous thing men can be more open with their emotions and women need not feel strapped into certain behaviors but now what do those of us do that straddle the gender role line? How does a woman communicate wanting the shit fucked out of her one night and to be held tenderly during a heart-to-heart conversation the next?

I'm supposed to cook, and be sensitive, and like kids. I cook only so much as is required by my budget, I'm oversensitive one week of the month, a rock the other three and kids are only cool when they are happy and quiet. I am every other woman in the world.

We are all crazy and horny and cry-babies and incredibly strong. We all wish that in this crazy world of fucked up relationships and Hallmark romance men would read our minds. Trust me, we want nothing more than to tell you exactly how we feel but we're scared, pure and simple. Just like you we've put it out there and been shot down. Just like you we don't know when to be tender or forceful or open or hold back. The emotions of human beings are a mish-mash of evolution, enivronment, and personality. I don't have the answer, but I'm not anything special. Just one more woman who is waiting for a mind reader to come sweep her off her feet. Yeah, that will happen. When penguins fly.

Wow, so I've been here three weeks? Seems like longer. While it has started to feel like home I find myself still surprised by the skyline. I walked out of the riverplex (ymca on steroids) and after the initial shock of being cold looked up and had a moment of confusion as I wondered what all the big buildings were in the night sky. It occurred ot me after half a second that those were my buildings. I'm not in Mac-town anymore.

So how is my new life you ask? Well not to bad, could be worse. I have a job now; I am an engineering assistant. How is that for employemnt with an english degree? I remember people telling me I could have any manner of employment--I didn't believe them until the past two weeks, however. On the plus side I like it significantly more than my old job of secretarial duty. The pay is more, I'm paid overtime when deserved and I'm busy all day. There is definitely something to be said for that. As for my job duties they seem to vary. I have turned into one of those people who doesn't have a job description. What I do is so random and specialized I'm not sure I could explain it properly. I'm going to turn into the crazy old aunt with a job the nieces and nephews can't understand.

Oh sweet jesus. I must interrupt this regularly scheduled blog for a rant brought on by an instant message.

I'm going to attempt to sum up the conversation that has provoked this rant. My dear friend has questioned me if she should "allow" her boyfriend to travel to Cancoon with a female friend of his for spring break. She will not be joining them for whatever reason and she now finds herself in a quandry. Myself, knowing the fellow would say let him go. Trust has to be present for a relationship to work and since they are long distance anyway it isn't as if he hasn't had plenty of opportunity to cheat. Her problem arises because she doesn't trust "any girl in Cancoon". All this angst over this? Not to be cynical but either he loves her or he doesn't. Either he'll cheat or he won't. If you love someone you have to trust them not to break your heart. That's the plain and simple shitty truth of that folks. More often than not your heart gets broken but hey, it's not really love if you don't lay it all out there, and who wants to have a relationship halfway?

It's all so fucking retarded. Excuse my language but that is the simple truth of the matter. People just don't communicate. I am as guilty as the next person I will admit it. All the thoughts, and feelings. Two people love each other, care about each other, want to be together. 1 + 1 = 2 right? If only! Instead there are mind games and bullshit and what ifs. Fuck that. There was a time in my life when I didn't put up with that. I think it's time I found my way back.