Ah yes, once again I should be asleep but such is not the case. To imagine, me sleeping without blogging? I think not.

On to the news...

The thoughts of graduate school for next semester were shot down this afternoon. The letter has finally come and with it a very unfulfilling rejection. Not that I mind being rejected persay, but it took a very long time and the letter itself told me nothing. "We are sure you understand we are not at liberty to discuss our reasons..." or some bullshit. Whatever. A response like that makes me feel even less bad about not going because honestly, anyone who can't tell me why I'm not good enough isn't going to help me learn anything. I find I'm quite torn about it all. I didn't want to spend so much money in loans and maybe Columbia wasn't for me, but the very idea I wasn't good enough still prevades my thoughts. It comes down to a matter of pride I think. I don't have the choice of deciding not to go. It has been made for me and if there is anything I detest, it is not having options.

On to the ramble...

I have had been reminded lately of past discussions concerning "storybook love". You know, the happily ever after kind. I wonder, do we all grow up thinking we will find it eventually and adapt accordingly when we do not, or has the idea of storybook love been so utterly perverted that what we are raised to believe exists is now completely unattainable? For example, just because you can live the rest of your life with someone does that mean you should? When do you know that you have found the best person for you? I realize logically that relationships are hard work. Hell friendships are hard work so I can barely imagine what is required of a longterm relationship. Compromise is certainly key. While you should never change the core of who you are, quirks and habits must be ameneded on both sides to make cohabitation feasible. I know this. But when is the time to experience it?

Looking at my brother and his soon to be wife I find it impossible to believe they will ever divorce. They communicate, they compromise, but most importantly they love each other. They love everything about each other. The balding spot, the hairy back, the double chin, the large belly. There is nothing about the other that is over looked or not accepted. That is how my parents love each other, that is how my brother and I were taught to love. His fiance returns that love and I truly believe they have found "storybook love" or at least the closest equivalent in reality.

What bothers me is I look at others who are together, some even engaged, and it isn't the same. What I cannot figure out is this: is it not the same because of that intangible fate they are not "meant to be" or is it not the same because of how they choose to deal with each other. If it is the former then there really is someone for all of us and we should, therefore, be open to that mysterious alarm going off in our head when we meet him or her. If it is the latter then perhaps there is no one particular person perfect for us. Instead we meet someone that fulfills our needs as we present them and we provide a likewise service in return. That is so unromantic.

That brings me back to the idea of having preverted the idea of happily ever after. Is what I was raised on even possible? I know looking at my family that happy marriages can and do happen. Often if our beaver cleaver clan is looked at for example. But to ask them for an answer will get you nowhere. My dad replies to the question "when did you know mom was the one?" with "well, I just decided it was about time I married her." My mom is a little more helpful with "I loved your dad" but that doesn't give me the details of what I want to know. I want a broken down, step by step instruction book. I want to read it and know exactly what I'm looking for and exactly what I will feel. Ideally I would like a sign that says "hey, I'm the one for you" but even I'm not stupid enough to think it will be that obvious. Movies and books feed you so many implausible situations--it makes looking at life logically and thinking clearly about things so difficult. An idea of this perfect romance is pounded into your head until it prevades any kinder emotion you might have towards someone.

Yes I know I am probably overthinking this entirely too much. But that is what I do. There are times I think I know exactly what sort of person I need and exactly what sort of person I would kill. But then I think about my brother and how he was sure he would never last with his fiance. Well now they are getting married and I would be hard pressed to find a better happily ever after story. That blows away any theory I might have about just knowing. But perhaps that is the key. You never just know anything except the moment. How can you? Given enough moments you can predict the future to a degree, judge if more good moments await you or bad. But nothing is ever stable--all you can do is live with each second as it comes and deal with it accordingly. Perhaps happily ever after is unattainable because lives never just end at a high point. Lives change and people change. I suppose as long as two people are willing to change together anything is possible. I suppose then I can conclude there isn't just one perfect person in the world waiting to meet me, but rather I will have to find someone I'm willing to make a perfect world with.

I can handle that.