So I just watched Pleasantville for the first time. It was somewhat humorous--it didn't quite make the statement as well as I thought it would, however. At the end of the movie you are supposed to feel good about emotion. You are to feel life isn't life with moods and rain and sex. Good message, but I didn't enjoy the spoon-feeding. I don't like it when the moral of the story is laid out like a children's story at the end. Just takes something away I think, but that is only my opinion.

Wow, the pro-choice dinner thing is on CSPAN-2 right now. There is a subject that has been beaten into the ground. But I have to say I am glad there are still people out there willing to fight. I've taken my right to choose for granted my entire life. It was legal when I was born and it never occurred to me through my youth that it might become illegal again. After all, if a woman didn't want to have a baby that should be her choice right? I don't need to spout philosophy--everyone has heard it all before. But I have to give my nod to the people still fighting the good fight because no matter what you believe a person should at least have a choice. You never know the circumstances behind her situation.

Okay, that isn't a real rant because there is no reason to rant on that subject. It was sparked only by the speeches I am listening to as I write. I could change the channel but hey, I'm not that motivated.

Oh my goodness, my friend is watching True Life--I'm getting breast implants on MTV. Now the first problem with this scenario is she is watching MTV. There is never anything good on MTV, except the music awards. The second problem is that someone is allowing her breast implant surgery to be filmed. The real problem, though, is that someone wants breast implants at all. Reductions are understandable. Sometimes a reduction is a necessity. But implants? First of all the only reason for an implant is to look better. You only want to look better for other people. What an idiotic reason to do something. Not because you will feel better, not because you will live longer, not because you will have greater stimulation. Nope, in fact you'll have less stimulation and in some cases silicone leaks into the chest. Hello?! Does this strike anyone else as lunacy? Goodness gracious what is the world coming to when we have bothered to take the time to invent such surgery? People are dying from diseases we have no cure for, children are starving and money is being spent on breast implants and better technology for those implants.

It's the same thing as televisions in cars now. Why do we need tv's in our cars? Why? Short of a twenty hour car ride it is not necessary. I do not understand. The time and effort spent to do this...it is wrong and wasteful. We should be developing cars that don't require gasoline, not making them more frivolous. Honestly, I'm not a tree hugger but come on people. Is all this really necessary? Aren't there better uses for our time?

Oh goodness. I hate people. Nothing new there. I would offer a really good rant about lesbian bullshit but I'm afraid I'm not at liberty. It will have to wait for another day. In the meantime I will bid you adieu, find the energy to shut off the angry women on the television and go to bed.

If I lived in middle-earth I would definitely be an Ent. When you finally get me worked up I'm all sorts of scary, but I'd much rather sit around the forest and not do anything to hasty. We musn't be hasty my precious.

Yes oh yes, I am writing to you from my very own apartment not in Mac-town. It is quite marvelous I have to admit. Except for that whole waking up and not knowing where you are thing...that's a little unnerving but I expected it. I beat the system and I left. Now if I can just find a job I think life will be grand.

It's a very odd sensation, I haven't lazed around on a weekday in a very long time. At least, not without the knowledge I had to go to work soon. I think I had a dream about missing work last night actually, scary. It doesn't feel like home yet, it hasn't been long enough for it to feel like home. I'm almost completely unpacked but I don't think I will truly be comfortable until I've braved the streets to Walmart and had my first solo shopping excursion. Final Fantasy has got nothing on Walmart.

I've got happy drugs now so the move wasn't all that painful. Turns out I didn't have the flu at all, it was in fact a bladder infection that was backed up towards my kidneys--fun huh? Yeah if I never have one of those again that would be okay. I felt like my abdomen was going to pop. And one point I was wishing it would. But now life is good and I am healthy. Funny thing that, I lose the tonsils and get sick less often, but it is always more severe. Explain that one to me. Anyone? Anyone?

On a good note I managed to part with most of my books, the ones I did bring with are all put away if you can believe it. Unfortunately I wasn't able to part with movies and dvds. Now I have to find a home for the MASSIVE collection I have somehow obtained. I should say acquired because I think I stole the majority of them from my father, but that is neither here nor there. I really should have left them at home; I have the distinct impression there isn't going to be a lot of downtime. I moved in with a marine you see, and she has decided (with my agreement I grant you) that it is time for a marine's workout. Now that is well and dandy because she is a marine. But me? Me I think will be in a lot of pain. Last time we played this game it took me the better part of two weeks to stop being sore. However, my cute clothes will look cute so I'm not complaining. More than anything, though, it really is pleasant to just go for walks with a friend. You don't even think about it as good exercise until you don't do it anymore. It's easy, it's fun and it makes legs look good. I like it.

Well the laundry is done (yes I have a washer and dryer inside, oh baby) so I'm off to put another load in. I hope all are as happy as myself and if you never hear from me again, it was because I got lost on my way to Walmart.

Oh the Mac-town elastic effect. If ever I doubted the inability to leave this wretched place it has been confirmed. My depature date is a mere two days away and it seems the world has turned against me. I come down with the flu, work takes a big shit and the shower from the apartment above decides to leak into my bathroom. Now work and the shower I can leave behind, after all, when I'm gone what does it matter? But this flu thing is kicking my ass. I haven't felt like this since sixth grade. My roommate was kind enough to refer to me as "the walking death" on Thursday night. Apparently I also bordered on the pitiful/pathetic line Friday. Now, I know I'm sick and feel like shit, but I thought I was a better actress than that. Obviously not. I just wish my head would stop trying to rebel against my body. I feel like my body is the playground for a goddamn civil war. So not cool. I'm reasonably good with pain that is sharp, short and sweet. But this whole aches and pains shit has got to go. I'm too poor to go through twenty tylenol a day.

There is a bright side, however. I purchased for my playstation 2 a final fantasy origins game. I can now play the ORIGINAL final fantasy on my playstation 2. That, my friends, is the absolute shit. Just for the record.

Holy cow, I have got some kitties on crack in this apartment. My two cats have been renamed "Bitch" and "Faglett" courtesy of my aforementioned new roommate. I think these are much more descriptive names for them. The male, I am firmly convinced, is gay you see. And the female, what can I say, she's a bitch. That's really all there is too it. Unfortunately they are also extremely dumb. Did you know, if you have a coffee table with removable glass panes, a lot of fun can be had by removing one of the panes, luring the cats across the table and watching them fall through the opening? Evil? Yes. But funny? Certainly.

Oh my goodness, my immune system has got to kick into gear. This whole sick thing is not acceptable. I had a beautiful rant planned out but I'm afraid the screen is blurring out in front of me so I'm afraid I better cut this one short. Hopefully I will update everyone soon from my newest abode. Until then, live long and prosper.

Ah yes, once again I should be asleep but such is not the case. To imagine, me sleeping without blogging? I think not.

On to the news...

The thoughts of graduate school for next semester were shot down this afternoon. The letter has finally come and with it a very unfulfilling rejection. Not that I mind being rejected persay, but it took a very long time and the letter itself told me nothing. "We are sure you understand we are not at liberty to discuss our reasons..." or some bullshit. Whatever. A response like that makes me feel even less bad about not going because honestly, anyone who can't tell me why I'm not good enough isn't going to help me learn anything. I find I'm quite torn about it all. I didn't want to spend so much money in loans and maybe Columbia wasn't for me, but the very idea I wasn't good enough still prevades my thoughts. It comes down to a matter of pride I think. I don't have the choice of deciding not to go. It has been made for me and if there is anything I detest, it is not having options.

On to the ramble...

I have had been reminded lately of past discussions concerning "storybook love". You know, the happily ever after kind. I wonder, do we all grow up thinking we will find it eventually and adapt accordingly when we do not, or has the idea of storybook love been so utterly perverted that what we are raised to believe exists is now completely unattainable? For example, just because you can live the rest of your life with someone does that mean you should? When do you know that you have found the best person for you? I realize logically that relationships are hard work. Hell friendships are hard work so I can barely imagine what is required of a longterm relationship. Compromise is certainly key. While you should never change the core of who you are, quirks and habits must be ameneded on both sides to make cohabitation feasible. I know this. But when is the time to experience it?

Looking at my brother and his soon to be wife I find it impossible to believe they will ever divorce. They communicate, they compromise, but most importantly they love each other. They love everything about each other. The balding spot, the hairy back, the double chin, the large belly. There is nothing about the other that is over looked or not accepted. That is how my parents love each other, that is how my brother and I were taught to love. His fiance returns that love and I truly believe they have found "storybook love" or at least the closest equivalent in reality.

What bothers me is I look at others who are together, some even engaged, and it isn't the same. What I cannot figure out is this: is it not the same because of that intangible fate they are not "meant to be" or is it not the same because of how they choose to deal with each other. If it is the former then there really is someone for all of us and we should, therefore, be open to that mysterious alarm going off in our head when we meet him or her. If it is the latter then perhaps there is no one particular person perfect for us. Instead we meet someone that fulfills our needs as we present them and we provide a likewise service in return. That is so unromantic.

That brings me back to the idea of having preverted the idea of happily ever after. Is what I was raised on even possible? I know looking at my family that happy marriages can and do happen. Often if our beaver cleaver clan is looked at for example. But to ask them for an answer will get you nowhere. My dad replies to the question "when did you know mom was the one?" with "well, I just decided it was about time I married her." My mom is a little more helpful with "I loved your dad" but that doesn't give me the details of what I want to know. I want a broken down, step by step instruction book. I want to read it and know exactly what I'm looking for and exactly what I will feel. Ideally I would like a sign that says "hey, I'm the one for you" but even I'm not stupid enough to think it will be that obvious. Movies and books feed you so many implausible situations--it makes looking at life logically and thinking clearly about things so difficult. An idea of this perfect romance is pounded into your head until it prevades any kinder emotion you might have towards someone.

Yes I know I am probably overthinking this entirely too much. But that is what I do. There are times I think I know exactly what sort of person I need and exactly what sort of person I would kill. But then I think about my brother and how he was sure he would never last with his fiance. Well now they are getting married and I would be hard pressed to find a better happily ever after story. That blows away any theory I might have about just knowing. But perhaps that is the key. You never just know anything except the moment. How can you? Given enough moments you can predict the future to a degree, judge if more good moments await you or bad. But nothing is ever stable--all you can do is live with each second as it comes and deal with it accordingly. Perhaps happily ever after is unattainable because lives never just end at a high point. Lives change and people change. I suppose as long as two people are willing to change together anything is possible. I suppose then I can conclude there isn't just one perfect person in the world waiting to meet me, but rather I will have to find someone I'm willing to make a perfect world with.

I can handle that.

Be nice to your friends, you never know when saying goodbye will be the last time. I've heard those words before, or at least a form of them. I never thought, however, to have the meaning driven home. No one has died, thankfully, but after a very long, very eventful car ride I realized that there were a number of people I hadn't said appropriate goodbyes too. Oddly enough none of these thoughts came until after all was said and done. At the time my only thought was "oh fuck" accompanied by an odd sense of resignation that what would be would be. I suppose I can live with the comfort of knowing in an instant of understanding when there is no time for true thought, only an instinctual feeling, I was more or less at peace with myself.

I shall explain fully.

I traveled home today with a friend through some of the worst weather I have ever experienced. There was supposed to be significant snow and both the driver and myself knew that but I had to work and she was ready to be home so we decided to brave it. After all, we had no intentions of driving too fast and trusted ourselves to handle each situation appropriately as it came to pass. There are some things, though, that no one, no matter how careful, can be prepared for.

The first bout of excitement occurred about midway through our trip. My guess would be a full inch of snow on the road, two to three inches in the drifts at least. We hit a drift and without warning or apparent reason the rear wheels lost traction and began to fishtale. The driver fought it for awhile before losing the battle. The car went into a spin and we circled around one and a half times. We ended perpendicular to the highway. Shook up but okay we turned around and headed on our way. For the first time on the trip there were no cars around us, nor any large ditches off the shoulder. We were lucky and we knew it. The adrenaline flowed but no real worries infested us. It was the second time that was anything but easy to shake off.

Almost home, a mere sixty miles from the safety of our apartments and we hit a patch of black ice. I had heard of black ice, knew a few people who had been through accidents because of it but never thought to experience it personally. Driving, on seemingly clear road, not traveling too fast the car simply goes out of control. I knew within the first second that there was nothing the driver could do. I knew we would not recover from the spin and my only thought was "oh fuck". In seconds that seemed to last an eternity we spun around going backwards into the ditch where we completed the spin, all the time moving closer to oncoming traffic. The side of the car scrapped up the other side of the ditch and snow completely covered the windows and windshield. For that second there was no visibility, no way to know where we were, how far we had slid or who was driving near us. I took a breath and braced myself for impact. I was resigned to the knowledge that we would be hit.

Thankfully we had not slid fully into oncoming traffic. We were instead only halfway onto the shoulder, our nose faced towards the cars driving at us. As the cliche goes my heart was in my throat and my eyes refused to focus. We were fine, no one hit us and a short while later we would be towed and on our way home.

I stepped out of the car and looked at our tire tracks across the median. They were long, deep and covered a significant amount of area. Later as we are turned around headed home once again I finally realized that I expected to be hit during that instant we were covered in snow, sliding, and completely unaware of where we sat on the highway. I knew we were somewhere close to the other lanes. I knew there were a number of cars on the road when the slide began.

Driving away from the scene I thought of people. An honest reaction. What would they say if we had been hit? How would they feel if the last time they saw me was the last time we talked? My mother would kill me if I weren't already dead. My father would miss me and be fine. My friends, who knows. To each their own. In any case it didn't happen. We were not hit, nothing happened and all is well with the world. I'm not one to linger but I can say I'm shook up a bit. Justifiably I think.

But that is my story and at the moment I think I'm making too big a deal of it too be sure.

My mom is crazy about saying I love you every time we part. She knows how fast someone can be lost. I used to laugh at her a bit and wonder why she was so worried about making me say goodbye to my father when he seemed uninterested that I was leaving. I suppose now I know. Not to be melodramatic, but I wish I could have learned that lesson without the worry of being hit by a car traveling fifty miles an hour. I don't suppose any of this will change my life in any great way. I doubt my routine will change at all. I have remembered something I forgot, though. Life is alright and I rather enjoy mine.