What silly creatures we humans are. To even consider the system of our evolution--how we came to be what we are is baffling. I am not even sure I can make all of this make sense but I will try. Damn, I had some good thoughts but now that I’m here typing I can only hope they will come back to me. How do you say all the things you think constantly?

I suppose the first thing on my mind would be my grandmother. Wednesday marks the first year since her death. Funny that, I don’t know the exact date of her birthday but I know the day she died. Granted it helps that one of my friend’s b-day’s also falls on that particular day but still…Maybe it isn’t funny. Maybe it is just the way the mind works. That day made an impact on me, a serious one so I remember it. While her birthday was joyous it wasn’t special per say--I liked seeing her every time I did so her birthday wasn’t anything different. Lord how does a person even put this in writing? What is it about life that makes it so painful? Maybe that’s what I’m driving toward. Why did we evolve to have such pain in our lives? Emotions are fine, I realize they are part of what makes us human but dear god, they are a pain in my ass. You only want what you can’t have and then if you are lucky enough to want what you can have other emotions get in the way and mess the issue. It doesn’t make sense. And no, this isn’t my pms talking. That is over now, thank god.

On the other hand I should definitely be grateful; I only have weeks such as this one once in a while. In general I am a pretty happy person. Granted this particular slump has lasted the better part of two months, but that is to be expected. I’m stuck in a town I’ve outlived working a job I hate. I mean honestly, I think I’ve earned the right to be perpetually pissed off. I do not, however, believe in taking that anger out on the people around me. Just not my style. My family suffers but families are different--they treat you like shit and you do it back. But it is okay because that right has been earned. Friends do not deserve that. You listen to friends, you help friends, you comfort them. You don’t search them out to be angry at them. That is wrong and childish in my opinion. But what do you do when you are the friend that is always there, always available and when you need some help no one’s around? On the one side if you are a fairly happy person most of the time I can definitely understand why that would make everyone feel uneasy to see you upset. After all, they never deal with that side of you, have absolutely no idea what to do about it. But on the other side doesn’t it stand to reason if someone never shows s/he is upset when it finally happens you should want to do whatever you can? Hell just listening and giving a hug is better than listening then immediately changing the subject to all the wonderful things happening in your life.

My problem would definitely be, not my willingness to listen, but my complete lack of ability to comfort. I don’t know what to say. Give me a problem and I can help you fix it. Come to me in tears and I’ll hold you till you stop crying. Pour your heart out to me about stuff that isn’t fixable and I’m lost. Not because I don’t care but because my instinct is to make people feel better. I’m a cheerer-upper. I do my best but I am well aware of the fact it isn’t very much. I do think, though, that if someone is kind enough to listen to you assuming they don’t write you off you should not be angry with them. Once again, the whole taking out the anger on someone just isn’t right. I do not understand why people are so…childish. Why compromise is such a difficult thing, why controlling yourself in the presence of others is so inconceivable. But I do have to understand that a great majority of the time people do not know what they are feeling exactly. They just know they feel bad. When you feel bad you want to be surrounded by or talking to people you care about. You do not always think of what they want or are doing. I accept that. It makes sense. But still, there are only so many times a person can play that card. Not to be harsh but eventually you just need to know yourself. You need to know what you feel and be in touch with your moods enough to recognize they are erratic or shifting and understand what effect that has on other people.

I’m rambling, completely aware of that and I do apologize. I suppose it boils down to me needing to get out of this town and away from this job. It isn’t people so much--though they definitely are a pain in my ass at times. Shit, I think I sound like some chick off Lifetime. I don’t know how I can be such a girl and such a guy at the same time. Here I am babbling about feelings and emotions (yes gag you all with a spoon) but when it comes time to practice what I preach I might as well be my brother. I don’t soothe, I don’t sympathize and I’m completely lost around tears. I do not catch hints, everything better be spelled out clearly (and the words better be small) or I will think the opposite of whatever is hinted. Body language is lost on me and if people don’t offer information concerning how they are feeling I don’t ask. And yet, here I am offering a blog about emotions and how to handle them. But hey, never said I made sense. Who does really? Once again it all comes down to communication. If people would just say what they mean and mean what they say so much of the bullshit could be avoided. I’ve almost given up talking because I don’t want to bullshit and I can’t say what I’m thinking. It’s easier to be the silent, available friend then all alone because you told everyone more than they wanted to hear. Truth hurts and I have found it’s in my best interests to shut up.