I am so amazingly bored at work right now. Yes, that's right, I writing this from work. You could even say I'm getting paid to write this. So there. Unfortunately I would rather be working because that makes the time pass faster. As it is I have to wile the hours away until Justice League comes on. I love that cartoon.
So I had a nasty shock today. $25,000 a year for grad school. Whoops. For whatever reason, what I was looking at when I figured this scheme out did not amount to that. Let's hope the loans come through eh? I am starting a collection as well. Feel free to contribute to the "put me through grad school so I'm not a loser and under acheiver my whole life" fund. No pressure, promise.
There is good news, however. My cousin in Mass. said I can come live with her if things don't work out. That's not so bad. I like Massachusets. Don't mind my spelling please. It's beautiful out there and there is quite a bit to do. It is so very far away, though--two years ago that wouldn't have bothered me, but now I admit it gives me pause. I like my family. I realize that isn't very "cool" now-a-days but fuck if I care. I have one of the coolest families around in my humble opinion. I would like to be around for my younger cousins. I like hanging out with my grandparents because I feel like it. I love all the free dinners I get from my mom. Yes, it's dorky but I like it. I'm not sure I want to go so far away I can't just come home for a weekend.
More than that, all my friends are here. Not that I couldn't go somewhere and start over again, but do I want to? I have a lot of history with some of these people. Some of these relationships have been built on an amount of time and pain that I don't want to go through again. Some people are nomads, they wonder around and never set roots. While that sort of life has a certain amount of appeal I'm not sure it is for me. Roots give you an anchor. If you have a strong enough base you can make it through anything. Not to mention there is a certain level of friendship that isn't attained over night. The type of friend you can fart in front of and all that happens is you laugh--the friend that doesn't care how long you sit in the bathroom and talks to you through the door. I mean, honestly, that's a level of comfort that is only reached when you two might as well be related. That's a whole lot of effort to go through again just to move across the country.
I know what people say, don't let your relationships decide what you do but when you don't really have a good reason to choose one place over another what do you use to decide? The pretty scenery? Ugh, ten minutes to Justice League. Boss is gone, kids on break, I'm getting paid to sit on my ass. Life could be worse.
I am not a self motivator. Give me a project, tell me what you want done and I'm all over it like a two-penny whore on a five dollar bill. Leave me to motivate myself and you get a bored secretary sitting on her ass in an office. Ah dammit, Justice League is a rerun. Mac-town even takes the fun out of tv. It is the devil. I knew it.
I was half-joking, it's okay to laugh.
I ain't got shit to say. Yeah, that's right, I just typed "I ain't got shit". It was marvelously mutilated grammar and I liked it. Good alliteration there. Alright, I can't spell and I've resorted to playing with english so I am definitely leaving you all alone. I promise to stop wasting your time for the moment. I haven't said a damn thing worth reading and you are all dumber now for having read this. Hahaha I laugh at you, you silly english ka-nigits!
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Sunday, November 16, 2003
What silly creatures we humans are. To even consider the system of our evolution--how we came to be what we are is baffling. I am not even sure I can make all of this make sense but I will try. Damn, I had some good thoughts but now that I’m here typing I can only hope they will come back to me. How do you say all the things you think constantly?
I suppose the first thing on my mind would be my grandmother. Wednesday marks the first year since her death. Funny that, I don’t know the exact date of her birthday but I know the day she died. Granted it helps that one of my friend’s b-day’s also falls on that particular day but still…Maybe it isn’t funny. Maybe it is just the way the mind works. That day made an impact on me, a serious one so I remember it. While her birthday was joyous it wasn’t special per say--I liked seeing her every time I did so her birthday wasn’t anything different. Lord how does a person even put this in writing? What is it about life that makes it so painful? Maybe that’s what I’m driving toward. Why did we evolve to have such pain in our lives? Emotions are fine, I realize they are part of what makes us human but dear god, they are a pain in my ass. You only want what you can’t have and then if you are lucky enough to want what you can have other emotions get in the way and mess the issue. It doesn’t make sense. And no, this isn’t my pms talking. That is over now, thank god.
On the other hand I should definitely be grateful; I only have weeks such as this one once in a while. In general I am a pretty happy person. Granted this particular slump has lasted the better part of two months, but that is to be expected. I’m stuck in a town I’ve outlived working a job I hate. I mean honestly, I think I’ve earned the right to be perpetually pissed off. I do not, however, believe in taking that anger out on the people around me. Just not my style. My family suffers but families are different--they treat you like shit and you do it back. But it is okay because that right has been earned. Friends do not deserve that. You listen to friends, you help friends, you comfort them. You don’t search them out to be angry at them. That is wrong and childish in my opinion. But what do you do when you are the friend that is always there, always available and when you need some help no one’s around? On the one side if you are a fairly happy person most of the time I can definitely understand why that would make everyone feel uneasy to see you upset. After all, they never deal with that side of you, have absolutely no idea what to do about it. But on the other side doesn’t it stand to reason if someone never shows s/he is upset when it finally happens you should want to do whatever you can? Hell just listening and giving a hug is better than listening then immediately changing the subject to all the wonderful things happening in your life.
My problem would definitely be, not my willingness to listen, but my complete lack of ability to comfort. I don’t know what to say. Give me a problem and I can help you fix it. Come to me in tears and I’ll hold you till you stop crying. Pour your heart out to me about stuff that isn’t fixable and I’m lost. Not because I don’t care but because my instinct is to make people feel better. I’m a cheerer-upper. I do my best but I am well aware of the fact it isn’t very much. I do think, though, that if someone is kind enough to listen to you assuming they don’t write you off you should not be angry with them. Once again, the whole taking out the anger on someone just isn’t right. I do not understand why people are so…childish. Why compromise is such a difficult thing, why controlling yourself in the presence of others is so inconceivable. But I do have to understand that a great majority of the time people do not know what they are feeling exactly. They just know they feel bad. When you feel bad you want to be surrounded by or talking to people you care about. You do not always think of what they want or are doing. I accept that. It makes sense. But still, there are only so many times a person can play that card. Not to be harsh but eventually you just need to know yourself. You need to know what you feel and be in touch with your moods enough to recognize they are erratic or shifting and understand what effect that has on other people.
I’m rambling, completely aware of that and I do apologize. I suppose it boils down to me needing to get out of this town and away from this job. It isn’t people so much--though they definitely are a pain in my ass at times. Shit, I think I sound like some chick off Lifetime. I don’t know how I can be such a girl and such a guy at the same time. Here I am babbling about feelings and emotions (yes gag you all with a spoon) but when it comes time to practice what I preach I might as well be my brother. I don’t soothe, I don’t sympathize and I’m completely lost around tears. I do not catch hints, everything better be spelled out clearly (and the words better be small) or I will think the opposite of whatever is hinted. Body language is lost on me and if people don’t offer information concerning how they are feeling I don’t ask. And yet, here I am offering a blog about emotions and how to handle them. But hey, never said I made sense. Who does really? Once again it all comes down to communication. If people would just say what they mean and mean what they say so much of the bullshit could be avoided. I’ve almost given up talking because I don’t want to bullshit and I can’t say what I’m thinking. It’s easier to be the silent, available friend then all alone because you told everyone more than they wanted to hear. Truth hurts and I have found it’s in my best interests to shut up.
I suppose the first thing on my mind would be my grandmother. Wednesday marks the first year since her death. Funny that, I don’t know the exact date of her birthday but I know the day she died. Granted it helps that one of my friend’s b-day’s also falls on that particular day but still…Maybe it isn’t funny. Maybe it is just the way the mind works. That day made an impact on me, a serious one so I remember it. While her birthday was joyous it wasn’t special per say--I liked seeing her every time I did so her birthday wasn’t anything different. Lord how does a person even put this in writing? What is it about life that makes it so painful? Maybe that’s what I’m driving toward. Why did we evolve to have such pain in our lives? Emotions are fine, I realize they are part of what makes us human but dear god, they are a pain in my ass. You only want what you can’t have and then if you are lucky enough to want what you can have other emotions get in the way and mess the issue. It doesn’t make sense. And no, this isn’t my pms talking. That is over now, thank god.
On the other hand I should definitely be grateful; I only have weeks such as this one once in a while. In general I am a pretty happy person. Granted this particular slump has lasted the better part of two months, but that is to be expected. I’m stuck in a town I’ve outlived working a job I hate. I mean honestly, I think I’ve earned the right to be perpetually pissed off. I do not, however, believe in taking that anger out on the people around me. Just not my style. My family suffers but families are different--they treat you like shit and you do it back. But it is okay because that right has been earned. Friends do not deserve that. You listen to friends, you help friends, you comfort them. You don’t search them out to be angry at them. That is wrong and childish in my opinion. But what do you do when you are the friend that is always there, always available and when you need some help no one’s around? On the one side if you are a fairly happy person most of the time I can definitely understand why that would make everyone feel uneasy to see you upset. After all, they never deal with that side of you, have absolutely no idea what to do about it. But on the other side doesn’t it stand to reason if someone never shows s/he is upset when it finally happens you should want to do whatever you can? Hell just listening and giving a hug is better than listening then immediately changing the subject to all the wonderful things happening in your life.
My problem would definitely be, not my willingness to listen, but my complete lack of ability to comfort. I don’t know what to say. Give me a problem and I can help you fix it. Come to me in tears and I’ll hold you till you stop crying. Pour your heart out to me about stuff that isn’t fixable and I’m lost. Not because I don’t care but because my instinct is to make people feel better. I’m a cheerer-upper. I do my best but I am well aware of the fact it isn’t very much. I do think, though, that if someone is kind enough to listen to you assuming they don’t write you off you should not be angry with them. Once again, the whole taking out the anger on someone just isn’t right. I do not understand why people are so…childish. Why compromise is such a difficult thing, why controlling yourself in the presence of others is so inconceivable. But I do have to understand that a great majority of the time people do not know what they are feeling exactly. They just know they feel bad. When you feel bad you want to be surrounded by or talking to people you care about. You do not always think of what they want or are doing. I accept that. It makes sense. But still, there are only so many times a person can play that card. Not to be harsh but eventually you just need to know yourself. You need to know what you feel and be in touch with your moods enough to recognize they are erratic or shifting and understand what effect that has on other people.
I’m rambling, completely aware of that and I do apologize. I suppose it boils down to me needing to get out of this town and away from this job. It isn’t people so much--though they definitely are a pain in my ass at times. Shit, I think I sound like some chick off Lifetime. I don’t know how I can be such a girl and such a guy at the same time. Here I am babbling about feelings and emotions (yes gag you all with a spoon) but when it comes time to practice what I preach I might as well be my brother. I don’t soothe, I don’t sympathize and I’m completely lost around tears. I do not catch hints, everything better be spelled out clearly (and the words better be small) or I will think the opposite of whatever is hinted. Body language is lost on me and if people don’t offer information concerning how they are feeling I don’t ask. And yet, here I am offering a blog about emotions and how to handle them. But hey, never said I made sense. Who does really? Once again it all comes down to communication. If people would just say what they mean and mean what they say so much of the bullshit could be avoided. I’ve almost given up talking because I don’t want to bullshit and I can’t say what I’m thinking. It’s easier to be the silent, available friend then all alone because you told everyone more than they wanted to hear. Truth hurts and I have found it’s in my best interests to shut up.
Monday, November 10, 2003
I can't keep from pissing people off. I feel bad about it because the times I really piss people off I don't mean too! It's one thing to intentionally be rude or hurt someone (which I try never to do) but I always manage to do something dumb and hurt somebody's feelings. I guess this blog should just be a giant I'm sorry to everyone who allows me to call them "friend" and a few who don't anymore. Luckily I haven't irritated anyone lately, but I'm feeling guilty and it never hurts to say I'm sorry again. Especially because I really, really am.
I had some really good lyrics I wanted to put in here but I can't remember them now...damn. Oh well, I'll share some other time when it comes to me.
For all the other blogs out there you need to update. I'm running out of shit to read in the world and I'm holding all of you responsible.
I really have no thoughts, mostly I wanted to say I'm sorry. For no particular reason at all--god I love being a woman. (Note the sarcasm).
People will be visiting again this weekend for the final homegame. I'll be making the pilgramage to pick up the Stouty--silly silly boy not being able to drive. Hopefully it is a good time. It usually is, I'll get to hear the news of the world outside Mac-town and live vicariously through others. Yes that was probably misspelled no I do not care.
I've got nothing, I'll stop wasting everyone's time. Hope you are having a marvelous day and life is more exciting elsewhere.
Toodles
I had some really good lyrics I wanted to put in here but I can't remember them now...damn. Oh well, I'll share some other time when it comes to me.
For all the other blogs out there you need to update. I'm running out of shit to read in the world and I'm holding all of you responsible.
I really have no thoughts, mostly I wanted to say I'm sorry. For no particular reason at all--god I love being a woman. (Note the sarcasm).
People will be visiting again this weekend for the final homegame. I'll be making the pilgramage to pick up the Stouty--silly silly boy not being able to drive. Hopefully it is a good time. It usually is, I'll get to hear the news of the world outside Mac-town and live vicariously through others. Yes that was probably misspelled no I do not care.
I've got nothing, I'll stop wasting everyone's time. Hope you are having a marvelous day and life is more exciting elsewhere.
Toodles
Saturday, November 08, 2003
Ah yes, good news. My wonderful darling aunt has found romance again!! Congrats aunt! I am so happy for her I fairly bounced all the way home after hearing the news.
More good news—less than three months before I am out of Mac-town. One way or another it’s done. Everything not necessary for survival goes back to mom and dad’s and I move with one car full. This should be fun. I have to say I’m excited. If I had a better driving record I might consider being a truck driver. Then I could just go be a wanderer. There are days that idea has significant appeal.
Other news…is there any other news? I suppose there always is but will any of it be said here? Now that is a good question. My quest to avoid meaningless sex continues but I’ve discovered a catch. Just because one person doesn’t think s/he is having meaningless sex does not mean the sex isn’t meaningless. That is a minor inconvenience I hadn’t counted on. But I also discovered something else. Given the slightest provocation I am a fucking psychotic once a month. It doesn’t necessarily bother me because I already knew this. I am fortunate enough to have people surrounding me that let me know “hey, you’re crazy. Go away and come back in a week.” But I have found significant humor in observing females who have yet to learn the evil, devious ways of their body. I never knew of a female who believed she didn’t suffer from pms, I think at this point most of us simply assume we do, but there are exceptions. The tricky part is, which I never considered having a mother that never let me forget I was a bitch one a month, that if no one ever tells you your mood changes you would never know. The first time it happens you don’t feel any different. There isn’t a little light that goes on inside the head saying “you’re crazy for a week, stop all action!” You feel completely justified in everything you are feeling. It isn’t until you are informed that what you’re feeling may be, shall we say exaggerated, that you can learn to see and feel the signs.
So this is my helpful handbook to all the men out there. If you know it’s close to that time of the month or she has even mentioned that she’s cramping or some such problem, do not take to heart ANYTHING she says. Don’t disregard her, even the craziest notions are based on fact, but don’t let it get you down. Women act two ways during that time of month, want to be held or don’t want to be touched at all. Don’t overreact. If she wants to be held it doesn’t mean she’s a crazy codependent. And if she doesn’t want to be touched it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like/love you. It just means our uteruses are bigger bitches than we are and we’re helpless against them. Bear with us. We’ll make it up to you when we are ourselves again.
More good news—less than three months before I am out of Mac-town. One way or another it’s done. Everything not necessary for survival goes back to mom and dad’s and I move with one car full. This should be fun. I have to say I’m excited. If I had a better driving record I might consider being a truck driver. Then I could just go be a wanderer. There are days that idea has significant appeal.
Other news…is there any other news? I suppose there always is but will any of it be said here? Now that is a good question. My quest to avoid meaningless sex continues but I’ve discovered a catch. Just because one person doesn’t think s/he is having meaningless sex does not mean the sex isn’t meaningless. That is a minor inconvenience I hadn’t counted on. But I also discovered something else. Given the slightest provocation I am a fucking psychotic once a month. It doesn’t necessarily bother me because I already knew this. I am fortunate enough to have people surrounding me that let me know “hey, you’re crazy. Go away and come back in a week.” But I have found significant humor in observing females who have yet to learn the evil, devious ways of their body. I never knew of a female who believed she didn’t suffer from pms, I think at this point most of us simply assume we do, but there are exceptions. The tricky part is, which I never considered having a mother that never let me forget I was a bitch one a month, that if no one ever tells you your mood changes you would never know. The first time it happens you don’t feel any different. There isn’t a little light that goes on inside the head saying “you’re crazy for a week, stop all action!” You feel completely justified in everything you are feeling. It isn’t until you are informed that what you’re feeling may be, shall we say exaggerated, that you can learn to see and feel the signs.
So this is my helpful handbook to all the men out there. If you know it’s close to that time of the month or she has even mentioned that she’s cramping or some such problem, do not take to heart ANYTHING she says. Don’t disregard her, even the craziest notions are based on fact, but don’t let it get you down. Women act two ways during that time of month, want to be held or don’t want to be touched at all. Don’t overreact. If she wants to be held it doesn’t mean she’s a crazy codependent. And if she doesn’t want to be touched it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like/love you. It just means our uteruses are bigger bitches than we are and we’re helpless against them. Bear with us. We’ll make it up to you when we are ourselves again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
