The Bad Scriptwriting Gene Spliced With The Offensive Gene = Splice!

I just saw Splice. Mostly I’m irritated because it managed to be offensive in ways I didn’t anticipate. When you see a movie like this you expect a certain level of badness. I mean, it’s Splice after all. But when the movie manages to not only be bad but also offensive I find a low and steady heartburn settling in. How about we put these in order of Least Offensive to Most Offensive?

10. The Female Scientist is Raised by an Abusive Feminist? Mother

All you really know from the movie is that Elsa’s mom was some horrible monster. You see a barren room covered in bird crap and it’s revealed that her mother kept her in squalor for most of her childhood. What tidbits of dialog are used to convey just how much of a monster her mother was? Elsa was denied playing with Barbies and not allowed to wear makeup because it was “degrading.” Her response: Who doesn’t want to be degraded from time to time? I know I shoot for trollop every Saturday night.

9. The Biochemists are Completely Unable to Predict the Characteristics of Their Creations

This one isn’t so much offensive as it is stupid. Apparently these people are splicing hundreds or thousands of animals together and have no idea what kind of characteristics will be manifested? Because what you really want to do is create a life form with no idea of its capabilities?

8. Raising a Spliced Part Human Creature is a Turn On

Our illustrious male hero travels the moving character arc from wanting to kill the monster to having sex with it. Because apparently in men that’s the natural progression. I hate my child. I love my child. I want to have sex with my child. Did you just throw up in your mouth too?

7. Who Needs a Plot When You Have Freud?

Along the lines of the previous one, instead of providing motivation, plot, or really any narrative at all, the screenwriters figured the Electra/Oedipal Complexes were all the explanation anyone needed for why people behaved as they did. It was as if scientific explanation was unnecessary because we could all agree that if we spliced human DNA with animal DNA not only would the human characteristics dominate, but also the aggressive tendencies would only manifest when the creature wanted to kill one parent and sleep with the other. Bad science people. Very, very bad science.

6. The Path of All Evolution is From Female to Male

This one is one of my personal favorites. The spliced creatures start out female, but then “evolve” into males. Cause that’s not loaded at all. And correct me if I’m wrong but don’t all fetuses start out female before the testosterone kicks in? It’s like we’re all infantile until we finally grow our very own penises. Somebody didn’t think that one through.

5. The Creature “Dren” Couldn’t Speak Until She Became a He

That’s right. No human vocal abilities until she “evolves.” Sitting in the theatre I was like, “really?” Did you really just do that? I mean, taken by itself--not such a big deal. Taken with everything else on this list? Bad idea. Bad, bad, BAD idea.

4. Dren Culminates Sex With Murder

Because clearly every animalistic female kills the male after sleeping with him. Again, if this were Species okay--cause that’s a movie about a scary female monster thingy. But this is Spliced. Who needs a new plot though? Especially when it is so much easier to translate her monstrosity through her man-killing attitudes. This one could actually go higher up the list because by itself you wouldn’t think about it. After two hours of whatever this movie was and the very, very disturbing sex scene between “dad” and “daughter” I’m just wishing I could have the last two hours of my life back.

3. It’s An Anime

Anime can be exceptionally sketchy sometimes. Usually there are monsters and inappropriate sex acts and unethical decisions. As I’m watching this movie I thought “I thought this was a horror movie.” But it wasn’t. Even though they marketed it as a horror movie, what it actually was, was an anime--an argument bolstered by all the anime art throughout. I’m offended by this mostly because you can’t lure someone in with promises of The Alamo and give them the Red Shoe Diaries instead. Uncool people. Very uncool.

2. After Dren Becomes Male He Rapes Elsa

Yeah. There was no need for this to happen. The threat of it was freaky enough, but to carry it through was both ridiculous and offensive. Elsa lives but her punishment is to be raped by her creation? Because as soon as this thing becomes a male it immediately wants to have sex with its mother? And to top it all off…

1. Else is Impregnated by Dren

Not only does Dren switch from having female organs to male organs in under an hour, apparently she also switches from ovaries to viable sperm AND is close enough to human to procreate? And Elsa’s punishment is to carry this monstrosity to term because why? She’s a monster? She deserves what she gets? It’s funny when the sassy, crazy, scientist lady gets put in her place?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?!

Summation: Do not go see this movie. At best you’ll be bored. At worst you’ll have indigestion. It’s so not worth it.