What Wouldn’t I Do For My Brother?

We need something happy to read and I was going to get this done before going to see Splice but there is no time like the present!

I recently rewatched all of Firefly with my hetero-life mate and a funny thing happened along the way. Firefly for those of you that don’t know is a brilliant show created by Joss Whedon that Fox murdered in its sleep. (I hate you sometimes Fox. For reals.) This space western revolved around a crew of unlawful miscreants and their marvelous misadventures. Recipe for awesomeness is what I like to call it.

Two of the characters on the show, though, are a brother and a sister. The first time I watched it I wasn’t particularly interested in them because he’s kind of a whiner and she’s the kind of crazy you read about, but this time through I found myself significantly more connected to their story.

River Tam is a genius (just like me) and the government kidnaps her, more or less, and experiments on her brain. (Not so much like me.) Simon, her brother, spends his fortune to save her and gives up everything to go on the lamb and keep her safe. Much like the Sam and Frodo moment watching these episodes through again all of a sudden--I got it. Like almost started crying got it. (I’m a hormonal woman. Don’t judge me. I’ll kill you.)

But here’s the thing: watching Simon and River try to run from the authorities, deal with River’s mind being almost completely destroyed, and never knowing where they are going to be or how they are going to survive I turned to my friend and said: “You know what? If I had to give up everything to save my brother and keep him safe it wouldn’t even be a question.” And the funny thing is I’m being truthful.

Sometimes you look at a situation and you think, I hope I would react in such and such a way. But sometimes, not often but sometimes, you look at a situation and you absolutely know what you would do. It’s not a theory or a question; you know what you would do because there is literally no other option. Watching Firefly through this time I realized that if anyone messed with my brother’s welfare I would do whatever I had to--no question. My life, my degrees, everything wouldn’t matter at all if he was suffering and I could stop it.

Now, there are the very real problems that I am neither a super spy nor sneaky and so any attempt to save him might very well result in both of our deaths, but I would try gosh darn it! I would just higher someone else to do the sneaky parts. It’s all about anticipating your weaknesses and planning for them.

And finally…

How about Gina Torres for Wonder Woman?! She plays Zoe in the show, “the soldier”, and she would be perfect! Look at this picture!



We’ve found our woman. Of course, there will never be a script or a movie. But it’s good to know we’ve got the thing cast.

The Bad Scriptwriting Gene Spliced With The Offensive Gene = Splice!

I just saw Splice. Mostly I’m irritated because it managed to be offensive in ways I didn’t anticipate. When you see a movie like this you expect a certain level of badness. I mean, it’s Splice after all. But when the movie manages to not only be bad but also offensive I find a low and steady heartburn settling in. How about we put these in order of Least Offensive to Most Offensive?

10. The Female Scientist is Raised by an Abusive Feminist? Mother

All you really know from the movie is that Elsa’s mom was some horrible monster. You see a barren room covered in bird crap and it’s revealed that her mother kept her in squalor for most of her childhood. What tidbits of dialog are used to convey just how much of a monster her mother was? Elsa was denied playing with Barbies and not allowed to wear makeup because it was “degrading.” Her response: Who doesn’t want to be degraded from time to time? I know I shoot for trollop every Saturday night.

9. The Biochemists are Completely Unable to Predict the Characteristics of Their Creations

This one isn’t so much offensive as it is stupid. Apparently these people are splicing hundreds or thousands of animals together and have no idea what kind of characteristics will be manifested? Because what you really want to do is create a life form with no idea of its capabilities?

8. Raising a Spliced Part Human Creature is a Turn On

Our illustrious male hero travels the moving character arc from wanting to kill the monster to having sex with it. Because apparently in men that’s the natural progression. I hate my child. I love my child. I want to have sex with my child. Did you just throw up in your mouth too?

7. Who Needs a Plot When You Have Freud?

Along the lines of the previous one, instead of providing motivation, plot, or really any narrative at all, the screenwriters figured the Electra/Oedipal Complexes were all the explanation anyone needed for why people behaved as they did. It was as if scientific explanation was unnecessary because we could all agree that if we spliced human DNA with animal DNA not only would the human characteristics dominate, but also the aggressive tendencies would only manifest when the creature wanted to kill one parent and sleep with the other. Bad science people. Very, very bad science.

6. The Path of All Evolution is From Female to Male

This one is one of my personal favorites. The spliced creatures start out female, but then “evolve” into males. Cause that’s not loaded at all. And correct me if I’m wrong but don’t all fetuses start out female before the testosterone kicks in? It’s like we’re all infantile until we finally grow our very own penises. Somebody didn’t think that one through.

5. The Creature “Dren” Couldn’t Speak Until She Became a He

That’s right. No human vocal abilities until she “evolves.” Sitting in the theatre I was like, “really?” Did you really just do that? I mean, taken by itself--not such a big deal. Taken with everything else on this list? Bad idea. Bad, bad, BAD idea.

4. Dren Culminates Sex With Murder

Because clearly every animalistic female kills the male after sleeping with him. Again, if this were Species okay--cause that’s a movie about a scary female monster thingy. But this is Spliced. Who needs a new plot though? Especially when it is so much easier to translate her monstrosity through her man-killing attitudes. This one could actually go higher up the list because by itself you wouldn’t think about it. After two hours of whatever this movie was and the very, very disturbing sex scene between “dad” and “daughter” I’m just wishing I could have the last two hours of my life back.

3. It’s An Anime

Anime can be exceptionally sketchy sometimes. Usually there are monsters and inappropriate sex acts and unethical decisions. As I’m watching this movie I thought “I thought this was a horror movie.” But it wasn’t. Even though they marketed it as a horror movie, what it actually was, was an anime--an argument bolstered by all the anime art throughout. I’m offended by this mostly because you can’t lure someone in with promises of The Alamo and give them the Red Shoe Diaries instead. Uncool people. Very uncool.

2. After Dren Becomes Male He Rapes Elsa

Yeah. There was no need for this to happen. The threat of it was freaky enough, but to carry it through was both ridiculous and offensive. Elsa lives but her punishment is to be raped by her creation? Because as soon as this thing becomes a male it immediately wants to have sex with its mother? And to top it all off…

1. Else is Impregnated by Dren

Not only does Dren switch from having female organs to male organs in under an hour, apparently she also switches from ovaries to viable sperm AND is close enough to human to procreate? And Elsa’s punishment is to carry this monstrosity to term because why? She’s a monster? She deserves what she gets? It’s funny when the sassy, crazy, scientist lady gets put in her place?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?!

Summation: Do not go see this movie. At best you’ll be bored. At worst you’ll have indigestion. It’s so not worth it.