We must needs discuss Star Trek: The Next Generation. Specifically, William Riker (pictured above hopefully). Do you see that little shoulder cock? I HATE that should cock. Why does he do it? Imagine looking at that oddly "debonair" slump which falls somewhere short of debonair and lands round about the "douchey" marker. And I like Riker! I do! I'm in the minority it's true. But I've always found him slightly endearing and good looking. At least for a Star Trek crewmember. But as I continue on my process of watching all The Next Generation's (TNG's) in order I find my continued exposure to his refusal to stand up straight slowly robbing me of sanity and control required to function in society.

And...we have a new winner for worst line of dialogue ever. Or best, depending on how you look at it. Captain Picard says, "Is there any hope of penetration?" I'm not making this up. It's Patrick Stewart and everyone knows how much I love Patrick Stewart, but no one, especially a man, can say the line, "is there any hope of penetration" and not expect a slight giggle out of the crowd. Did the script writers do it on purpose? Did Patrick Stewart have to fight to deliver that line seriously? These are questions I find burning deep, deep inside my blackened little soul.

An educated man, or even an uneducated wise man, might say to me, "it's time to stop watching Judge Judy and TNG." And he wouldn't be wrong. But you see I've been reading a lot (A LOT) of Shakespeare and other tragic plays lately and I find my general demeanor to be a dour one of late. As I am also lacking in trashy romance to provide me with some other means of recuperation I've turned to my TV on DVD friends and bad cable access to get me through. But when you're reading things like Richard III and Othello your expectations for entertainment simultaneously go up alongside the requirement that little is demanded of one mentally. This is a hard shoe to fill. Or, if you're Captain Picard, to penetrate. TNG fulfills these requirements admirably and I can even look myself in the mirror in the morning unlike previous obsessions such as--oh, I don't know, Beauty and the Beast staring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman--but I just want to reach into the screen and force Riker to stand straight! If this PhD thing doesn't work out I'm totally writing a metatheatrical play where just such an occurrence takes place. It would look something like this:

[LIGHTS UP] A young woman sits center stage, perpendicular to the audience on a couch. A diet soda rests perspiring on the end table next to her and a forgotten bag of chips sits on the floor. She is slowly eating popcorn, while nursing a box of oreos to her left. A television set is in front of her, hollow with its "actors" performing her show on the other half of the stage. It quickly becomes apparent she is watching Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Picard: Is there any chance of penetration?
Riker, standing with his right should cocked down giving him a slanted appearance: I believe so sir.
Picard: Engage.

The young woman jumps up from the couch, knocking over her oreos and discarding her popcorn haphazardly behind her on the seat cushions. She steps INTO the T.V., walks up to Riker, grabs him by each shoulder and forcefully straightens out his stance until he stands tall--his shoulders now parallel with the ground. That done the woman steps back out of the T.V. into her "living room," resumes her seat on the couch, takes a large drink of the diet soda and belches loudly, but contentedly.

[BLACK OUT]

It would be the best play EVER.