Let’s have a discussion about incest. I’m talking about incest in books and movies not real life, of course, but we should probably be clear about that. I recently read a book--it was a good book. It was a fun book. It was an adventure book. It was a romance book. It was an incestuous book. I’m sure you can understand why I felt unfulfilled.

Let’s look at this situation logically:
Premise 1: Incest is not hot.
Premise 2: Stories of typical romance and love should be hot.
Premise 3: Once you fantasize about someone as evidenced in premise 2, you will be unable or at least find it very difficult, to think of that person in a familial and non-incestuous manner.
Conclusion: If you are going to write a book and market it as a typical romance/adventure story there should be a disclaimer like: CONTAINS INCEST WITH INTENTION TO PROCREATE.

That’s all I’m saying.

This book, which I will only reveal the title to in private conversations with those that don’t want to stumble across it on accident because I don’t want to ruin it for everyone, should have been a great read. Girl living in the real world thinking she’s all normal. Finds supernatural boy and they end up in a whirlwind adventure accompanied by her best friend who actually is all normal and loves her, though she obviously doesn’t love him. I say obviously because everything about this book is formulaic. The best friend loves her, but she’s not normal so she can’t return his love; the supernatural boy, on the other hand, is cold and tough and when he loves her she absolutely returns his love. Unfortunately, the supernatural boy is her brother (so we think).

I was so angry at the end of this book that I screamed (screamed) from the couch. I warned my roommate leading up to this moment that violence might occur if the book ended the way it appeared. My powers of foreshadowing, honed through years of English major experience, served me well--we were still a few chapters away when I caught the scent of possible incest, but I kept going. I persevered because I thought, “Surely I’m wrong. Surely this isn’t the way it’s going to be.” But, when all was said and done the book only replied, “Screw you. And don’t call me Shirley.”

Now, some of you are no doubt imagining Luke and Leia, and the author does attempt to draw some analogy between the two. Look, I imagine her saying, Leia kisses Luke and it isn’t freaky because they didn’t know. To her I reply: see above. Leia did not kiss Luke with intent to procreate. Luke has, at most, a schoolboy crush on Leia in a New Hope. By Empire she and Han are fairly dancing around each other and Leia’s decision to kiss Luke is so without heat or sexual intent as to be laughable. To compare a nearly realized young sexual relationship to Luke and Leia is a false analogy in an attempt to justify an egregious abuse of incestuous plotlines.

I feel cheated, abused, and dirty. If I’m expected to relate to the heroine and she’s expected to fall in love with the supernatural boy then said supernatural boy better not be related to her because then I feel like I’ve fallen in love with my brother. And that’s something that I, he, and his wife would all have an issue with I’m sure.

It’s like this book is a skeezy uncle who sat my young mind on his lap so as to better grope me. And now I have to read the sequel. I hate everything.