It's in the a.m. I am awake and I have to write a paper. The only thing surprising about that statement is that it is in the a.m. and I am awake. I did feel the urge to bring joy and good tidings to you all, however. I saw August Rush yestereve and it was a sweet truffle of love wrapped in a bundle of joy and happiness. And yet, I did not care a bit about the sweetness or overabundance thereof. Why? Partly because John Rhys Meyers is so hot, and also because it was just a really sweet fairy-tale. Exactly what I wanted after staying up late writing a paper on Ben Jonson's whores.

The movie did provoke a thought, however, that has grown into its own top ten list. Keri Russell, at a party, becomes claustrophobic and walks out to the roof. There just happens to be John Rhys Meyers singing to the moon and with no more than a look, a smile, and a "we're here together" they're in love! And so I thought that I should write on the incredible unlikelihood of this ever happening and why it irritates me that Hollywood continues to put this standard forth.

The Top Ten Situations Leading To Romance In Extremely Unlikely Ways That Don't Work:

10. An Affair to Remember
I love this movie. Like most people who have yet to sell their soul I can't help but react to the fantastic story told by Deborah Kerr and Carey Grant. Grant even has maybe the best moment-with-eyes ever when he throws open the door at the end and realizes she has been in a wheelchair the whole time. But this movie can't help but make this list for two very good reason: 1) If I ever do manage to take a cruise anywhere I'll be lucky if it doesn't sink like the Titanic, and even if it doesn't sink there is the very good possibility it will end up being a Lesbian cruise anyway (that's just my luck). 2) If I failed to show up for our meeting six months later and was hurt, ending up in a wheelchair, there would be no second act for me. Probably I would have tried to contact him, he would have spurned me (since I didn't show up anyway) I would become bitter and turn into a civil rights activist for the handicapped. You might think I'm joking. Those of you that know me well probably know I'm not.

9. Persuasion/The Lake House
Again, movies I love. I put them together because (for those of you that have seen The Lake House) the one is obviously referring, and taking a page from, the other. The reasons I despise what these movies have done to me are simple. I have yet to find a man that would wait two hours for me, let alone eight years. And I have yet (trust me I've looked) to find a mailbox that allows me to correspond with Keanu Reeves leading to his falling in love with me. If I could find the mailbox and I could correspond we would fall in love (this actually did happen via computer once) but once we met it would be discovered it wasn't true love after all and we would each part, never to speak again. That's how the story actually goes.

8. The Wedding Date
Paying for companionship is never hot. And yet, somehow The Wedding Date makes it seem like maybe it's not such a bad idea. I take issue because when you pay for a man to pose as your date he is SO never Dermot Mulroney and if he appears that way on the outside he is, inevitably, gay or so far beyond redemption as to be without any marked human characteristics. But this movie makes me question that. I think, gee, I could pay someone to come home with me and maybe we would fall in love. But the thing to remember folks is that even in the movie he's posed for thousands of women before he meets Kat, and odds are much better that we would all be one of those instead of the one. Stupid movie.

7. She's All That
Moral of this movie: If you're beautiful you are always beautiful and hot boys fall in love with you. If you're not beautiful you aren't worth noticing. I think that's a pretty good explanation.

6. Elizabethtown
I've flown across the country. A lot. Granted I'm not a man, but even when male stewardesses (or male passengers) were on said nearly empty plane with me there was no let's talk and fall in love business. Oh no. Instead it's hey, could you stop snoring? Or, why don't you scoot over a little bit? Or I really love my wife. I think that last one's my favorite.

5. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
When was the last time any of us acted that crazy and a guy still fell in love with us? When?! I suppose if you look like Kate Hudson not even crazy can turn them off.

4. August Rush
I have been to many parties in my life. I have snuck off to find a quiet corner many times. At no point was John Rhys Meyers hanging out on said roof waiting to fall in love with me.

3. Bed of Roses
I borrow from my dear former roommate here. She is quite right when she points out that many of us have cried in a window, or a car, or on the street. Has Christian Slater ever walked by and been so moved by your tears that he bought you flowers? That's what I thought.

2. Runaway Bride
Again with the crazy. Insane character that can't get her stuff together but men continuously fall in love with her. In what universe does this ever actually happen? Usually Crazy gets a hold of one man, ruins his life then, sometimes, moves on to another. Nobody forgives her. Nobody falls in love with her. Not really. Why? Cause she's crazy.

1. Sleepless in Seattle
If it were anyone other than Meg Ryan it would be a movie about stalking. I've tried it. Oddly enough it didn't work.