So I just saw D-Wars: Dragon Wars. Oh, yes, I did. The effects were awesome, the violence gratuitous, and the main characters were appropriately good looking. The movie, however, was so bad. And when I say so bad, what I mean to say is that I laughed out loud any time somebody talked instead of stuff just blowing up.

I would like to start my explanation by pointing out that you loving me for all eternity it’s sweet, but it doesn’t do either one of us any good if you’re dead. I mean, sure eternity is a long time and I’m assuming that after I die we’ll have awhile to hang out, but do we get bodies in the spiritual afterlife? Is sex as much fun in the ether as it is in the flesh? Are there babies and fights and make-up sex, and more babies and more fights? I’m not trying to diminish eternal love by making it all about sex, but if I spend a lifetime being lonely cause you went and died, there better be some spiffy bonuses to eternal love. Significantly spiffy.

That being said I would really like to say that Movies.com gave this movie a B stating that it is a fun, cheesey old-fashioned monster flick. Here’s the thing though, Godzilla always had a bullet proof plot. Oh, yes he did. It wasn’t fancy, and it wasn’t good, but it was solid. Godzilla 1984: big monster created by man’s nuclear experiments shows up to stomp on people and cause general havoc. There isn’t some fate here that predetermines things--there’s no destiny. What there is, is a monster that stomps on stuff. If you accept that monsters can exist than the rest falls into place. King Kong, giant gorilla from Monster Island (or is it Skull Island?) brought to New York. If you accept that said Island exists than the rest falls into place. Ghidra the Three-Headed Monster--this one’s a little more tricky. Monster Island features again with Ghidra hailing from Mars. The problem with this movie is mostly that Mothra, the young larval Mothra, is supposedly king of the monsters and Godzilla needs his help. Yeah, I don’t buy that part either, Godzilla rules in any given situation. Ghidra still reigns as one of my favorites, however.
Dragon Wars, though, tries to lay a plot, a plausible scenario for said snake-monsters to be destroying Los Angeles. Their attempts, though, are half-hearted and so full of holes you could drain your pasta with it. It’s a Korean legend? Fine, go with it. Own it. Don’t make it too complicated, don’t throw characters in without purpose. Don’t try and tug at the heartstrings. Just blow shit up and call it a day. That’s really what I’m asking for here. Godzilla could be extremely moving (I’m so not joking, check out the aforementioned Godzilla 1984) but his power came in part from his simplicity. He was a thing of nature in opposition to man’s rule. That’s a tried and true literary trope. The Japanese--they know how to do these things.
But Hollywood gets a hold of a Korean legend and all of a sudden Jason Behr is running around, fully clothed and nothing makes sense. If you put Jason Behr in jeans and a ripped shirt…now we’re talking. But he doesn’t even fight--in fact the humans don’t see much action at all except when they are getting eaten.

So, while I have affection for the attempt at another monster movie, I’m saddened by Hollywood’s urge to make it a videogame before it’s even viewed. I don’t want to pay movie prices to watch a story that’s better seen in bits and pieces as I play through the game. I want to see a movie. With a story. And a plot.

And I want to see a lot of stuff blow up. And big monsters. And hot sweaty men being all heroic like.

What you would have then is the best movie ever.