This blog I am going to discuss the merits of masturbation. That’s right, I said it. MAS-TUR-BATION. I know you all aren’t shocked. There is no way I have any room left to shock anyone that’s read more than three of these posts. But I don’t think I have yet dedicated an entire post to the wonder that is masturbating. Heaven knows it deserves it. I speak from experience, believe me. You can’t not fuck me the week before my period. I will masturbate. I know, I’ve seen me do it.

At this point, perhaps there are a few moans of "over-sharing" and I ask you why is that? We all do it. And if you don't, that only explains your surly behavior. It’s not something I enjoy nearly as often as I would like, after all I have a roommate. And, while I miss him terribly when he is gone, at least I don’t sit around the apartment with him complaining about my horniness. I can take care of it myself.

But the terrible thing is even I feel like I’m pushing boundaries here. I feel slightly ashamed talking so candidly about my solo affairs. I have no trouble relating my bad sex stories (I would say good, but with a few exceptions my good ones are lacking). So how is it that I can discuss so candidly my experiences of dickie-doos and limp dicks and short dicks and perfectly good dicks attached to perfectly terrible people and I shy away from the topic of masturbation? If I were talking about a man yankin’ the crank it would not seem nearly like such a taboo discussion.

I have a theory. (Did you doubt me?)

Until the age of eighteen and even for a few years following, female masturbation seemed the height of grossness to me. I played around as a kid (because all kids do and if you try to argue you’re just fooling yourself) but by the time I was old enough to truly enjoy the activity I had shied away from it as something disgusting and improper. Amazing isn’t it, that I would harbor thoughts of propriety? But there you have it. Even in the sanctity of my bedroom, alone and undisturbed I could not bring myself to discover what feeling good truly was. I knew my brother did it and most every male in my acquaintance but for females it remained something dirty. Something bad girls did. I, unfortunately, was not yet bad. But, about eighteen I finally gained enough insight into my feelings of restlessness to put two and two together. Or two to one as the case may be. Very logically I thought to myself "hm, boys masturbate. Girls masturbate in porn. Shouldn’t I be able to masturbate? How do I accomplish this? I guess you just…go for it." You think I’m exaggerating. I’m not. I had no idea. Filled with the world of chick flicks and trashy romances where beautiful idealistic virgins are just waiting for their passion to be tapped by a skilled, worldly man I assumed deep down that when I found a man to share intimacy with he would show me the ropes. I would touch him, he would touch me everyone goes home happy.

Two problems with that thought process (at least). 1) The amount of men in this world who can do you right when you don’t even know what you like is so small as to be a thing of dreams. I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m saying you’ll never meet them unless you’re a character in a Danielle Steele novel. 2) Since when did my body become something only a man could enjoy? It’s my body. I think that gives me some rights in the orgasm department. I love men, goddess knows, but the clitoris is a finicky creature. I need to keep my finger on her so that I can help him (or them) along when the time comes. Yes, that pun was intended.

Why is female masturbation such a harder concept to accept than male masturbation? This isn’t a problem that affects older people; usually by the time you hit your twenties you’ve figured it out. But what about young adolescent girls? Why do we hide the knowledge of sexual pleasure from them? It isn’t that I think fathers are sitting down with their sons explaining the rudiments of stroking one’s penis, but hell, I’m a girl and even I knew how a guy got the job done. I just figured people had sex, guys stuck it in and some magical fairy godmother of sex would wave her wand and grant me an orgasm.

I missed out on a good six or seven years of stroking the beaver due to that little misnomer. You better believe I’m pissed about that.

Even today girls and women will reply with "ooh, that’s gross!" when questioned about masturbating. Where do they get that ridiculous idea?! The clitoris is a beautiful thing and there is none so beautiful as your own. Use it, learn it, love it ladies.

I think part of the problem with masturbation is that there is something pathetic associated with it. If a person has to please oneself they are lacking because they have no on else to do it for them. That mentality applies to both men and women. And it’s bullshit. I don’t care who you are, you are never going to be ready to do me each and every time I need to be done. Why shouldn’t I spare you and save myself? And how are we to help others love our bodies if we don’t even know how to do it ourselves?

Now, I think sex is something you have to learn on your own. Not understand, the education should come from the parents, but you don’t know it until you do it. And learning is half the fun. The same holds true for masturbation. No one can sit you down and explain "first you stick your hands down your pants and then you…" No, not going to work. But it is a topic that should be addressed during "the talk". Or, in the case of those of us that were fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to have multiple talks, should be addressed somewhere along the way. When you give your kid the adolescent, funny feelings talk just throw masturbation in there. Don’t draw a map but tell your kid what the word means, what it is and that it is a natural thing. Not to mention it will help keep them happy. I mean honestly, they won’t get pregnant, they won’t catch std’s and there will be a release for all that tension inside them they have no idea what to do with. It isn’t the people that embrace sexuality that are freaky, it’s the people that repress it. Just try to argue with me.

So, obviously I am pro-masturbation. I have to admit I’ve lost my shyness by the end of this. And for all you men out there feeling grossed out by this discussion just think of it this way. The more I know about myself means the easier it is for me to show you what to do (or do it myself) and the more time we have to get to what makes you happy. You get yours, I get mine, we both go home happy.

You cannot tell me that is a bad thing.