I’m doing schoolwork I promise. But the last few nights as I’ve walked to my apartment door instead of running away from me the roaches have taken to charging (CHARGING) my poor, vulnerable feet. This newest attack on my person has caused me to write poetry--or in this case to parody. They say literature is the music of the soul (I don’t know who “they” are, but I’m sure they said something like this sometime) so here’s my soul; my battle weary, cockroach assaulted soul laid bare for all the world to see.
Charge of the Roach Brigade
1.
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Sin
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Roach Brigade!
“Charge for the house!” they said:
Into the valley of Sin
Came the six hundred.
2.
“Forward the Roach Brigade!”
Was there a bug dismay’d?
Kakkerlak couldn’t know
Someone had poisoned.
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Sin
Came the six hundred.
3.
Motel to the right of them,
Motel to the left of them,
Motel in front of them
Waiting with poison;
Tempted with bait and smell
Boldly they ate and fell
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the house of Hell
Came the six hundred.
4.
Discovered and hated
They fell as were baited
But retaliated
Claiming the Hell-house while
The occupants slumbered:
Cloaked in the dark and smoke
Right thro’ the wall they broke;
Black, brown and giant
Reel’d from the poisoned stroke
Creeping and crawling.
Then they came out, but not
Not the six hundred.
5.
Motel to the right of them,
Motel to the left of them,
Motel behind them
Waiting with poison;
Tempted with bait and smell
Crawling and flying fell,
They that had ate so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Death
Storming the house of Hell,
More than came in with them,
More than six hundred.
6.
When can their ranks decrease?
When can their species cease!
The occupants slumbered.
Can’t stop the charge they made,
Can’t stop the Roach Brigade
Now there’s six million.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I’m about to throw myself into some medieval and tudor drama, but before I do I thought I should take this opportunity to talk about Streetfighter: Legend of Chun Li. In fact, I think this movie is worthy of a top ten list; we haven’t had one of those in awhile!
Top Ten Most Awesome(ly BAD) Moments of Streetfighter: Legend of Chun Li
10. The Gratuitous Use of Voice Over
I try to be understanding of an action movie’s use of voice over to move the plot along. After all, we’re watching this to watch people bleed, not to have our soul moved. To that end a little voice over that says the following is acceptable: “I was once a happy child, and then my family suffered horrible tragedy. I proceeded to learn the art of Kung fu and now beat the crap out of sinister looking men” Done and done. With this movie, however, we have more voice over than dialogue or fighting and it all seems to revolve around the line “I stand up when standing up isn’t easy.” Yeah--it gave me indigestion too.
9. The sudden connection and understanding of Chun Li and the international police force
Don’t know about you, but generally when a cop watches me kill someone, even if that someone is a bad guy, and then I run away from him he usually isn’t willing to “back me up” when I set out on a rampant course of vigilantism. Of course I don’t look like Kristin Kreuk. Maybe that’s the key...
8. Moon Bloodgood’s apparent worthlessness to the plot outside of being hot
Moon Bloodgood is a GORGEOUS woman. We’re talking stupid beautiful here. But aside from her walking out of her bedroom in jeans and a bra fresh out of the shower I don’t exactly know what her purpose was for this movie. And the bra was wet--who does that? Have you ever tried to put on a wet bra? It is ridiculously difficult to do. I spent a solid five minutes of the movie perplexed by this wet-bra conundrum instead of watching people get beat up. Lame.
7. The lack of awesomely choreographed ass-kicking
There was a distinct dearth of fighting in this movie. It’s called StreetFIGHTER. Seems like people should fight little bit. That’s all I’m saying.
6. The lack of sexy time
Chun Li never gets any. Since I was eight or however old I was when this video game came out I have waited patiently for some gorgeous male character (like Ryu for example) to wise up to the hotness and coolness of Chun Li. I thought surely in 2009 there would finally be some sexy time for Chun Li! I was wrong. Who wants to learn Kung Fu if you don’t even get to make out with Ryu? Stupid movie.
5. Gen’s Douche-stache
Robin Shou, oh what are you doing to me? He was in Mortal Kombat and a fairly good looking guy I have to say. But in this movie he has this graying, oddly Velcro looking mustache that is neither grown in, nor scruff. It’s like they were aiming for Mr. Miagi and landed at Mr. Miapornstar. Every time he was on screen I found myself screaming out loud from the horror.
4. Chris Klein’s Hair
Rule of Life #578: If, as a man, you find your hair thinning cut it short. Please. It doesn’t look good long. It being long doesn’t hide that it’s thinning. In fact, the excessive length accentuates the thinning hair and/or pronounced widows peak. Who was the stylist that looked at Chris Klein and said, “you’re not a very good actor, but you could be a good-looking guy. I think I will give you BAD hair so that your looks cannot mask your bad acting.” I think they probably said it with a Russian accent. And I think they were probably part of the Russian mafia. We should deport them.
3. A fully Chinese little girl growing up to be half-Chinese Kristin Kreuk
Kristin Kreuk is Dutch-Chinese according to imdb and in the movie her father was Chinese and her mother non-descript Caucasian. Okay, not exactly faithful to the game, but whatever; I would have forgiven this. Except the picked what was obviously a Chinese little girl to play her at a young age who somehow morphed into a Dutch-Chinese girl when puberty came. Because we all change ethnicity as we get older...wait a minute...
2. Bison transforming from a Thai mob boss to an albino Irishman (who has an Irish accent despite growing up in Thailand...)
Again, I would have accepted the change in origins--they did still have Bison having grown up in Thailand--but if he grew up in the slums of Thailand how did he learn to speak English with an Irish accent? And not a thick one either. But, when the moral of your movie is to stand up when standing isn’t easy, probably you don’t the critical thinking skills necessary to contemplate why this might be a problem for the viewer.
1. That another Streetfighter movie manages to suck more than Mortal Kombat--14 years later
Streetfighter was a vastly superior game to Mortal Kombat. (It’s my blog I get to say what I want.) And yet we have now had TWO Streetfighter movies and they are both so incredibly bad that I’m almost ashamed to love Streetfighter like I do. Why is Mortal Kombat better? 1) They fight. A LOT. 2) There’s an appropriate amount of sexy time possibility. 3) They fight. A LOT. Why is this so hard for Streetfighter to understand? You know what would make me relate more to Chun Li’s character? If she kicked a lot of ass. You know what would make me want to see a sequel? If she kicked a lot of ass. You know what would make me buy the dvd? If she got to have some sexy time or least if the possibility of sexy time existed following the end of the movie. I do not feel my demands are extreme.
So be warned: if you want some awesome martial arts action Streetfighter has failed us once again. Just watch Jacki Chan; he’s always a good time.
Top Ten Most Awesome(ly BAD) Moments of Streetfighter: Legend of Chun Li
10. The Gratuitous Use of Voice Over
I try to be understanding of an action movie’s use of voice over to move the plot along. After all, we’re watching this to watch people bleed, not to have our soul moved. To that end a little voice over that says the following is acceptable: “I was once a happy child, and then my family suffered horrible tragedy. I proceeded to learn the art of Kung fu and now beat the crap out of sinister looking men” Done and done. With this movie, however, we have more voice over than dialogue or fighting and it all seems to revolve around the line “I stand up when standing up isn’t easy.” Yeah--it gave me indigestion too.
9. The sudden connection and understanding of Chun Li and the international police force
Don’t know about you, but generally when a cop watches me kill someone, even if that someone is a bad guy, and then I run away from him he usually isn’t willing to “back me up” when I set out on a rampant course of vigilantism. Of course I don’t look like Kristin Kreuk. Maybe that’s the key...
8. Moon Bloodgood’s apparent worthlessness to the plot outside of being hot
Moon Bloodgood is a GORGEOUS woman. We’re talking stupid beautiful here. But aside from her walking out of her bedroom in jeans and a bra fresh out of the shower I don’t exactly know what her purpose was for this movie. And the bra was wet--who does that? Have you ever tried to put on a wet bra? It is ridiculously difficult to do. I spent a solid five minutes of the movie perplexed by this wet-bra conundrum instead of watching people get beat up. Lame.
7. The lack of awesomely choreographed ass-kicking
There was a distinct dearth of fighting in this movie. It’s called StreetFIGHTER. Seems like people should fight little bit. That’s all I’m saying.
6. The lack of sexy time
Chun Li never gets any. Since I was eight or however old I was when this video game came out I have waited patiently for some gorgeous male character (like Ryu for example) to wise up to the hotness and coolness of Chun Li. I thought surely in 2009 there would finally be some sexy time for Chun Li! I was wrong. Who wants to learn Kung Fu if you don’t even get to make out with Ryu? Stupid movie.
5. Gen’s Douche-stache
Robin Shou, oh what are you doing to me? He was in Mortal Kombat and a fairly good looking guy I have to say. But in this movie he has this graying, oddly Velcro looking mustache that is neither grown in, nor scruff. It’s like they were aiming for Mr. Miagi and landed at Mr. Miapornstar. Every time he was on screen I found myself screaming out loud from the horror.
4. Chris Klein’s Hair
Rule of Life #578: If, as a man, you find your hair thinning cut it short. Please. It doesn’t look good long. It being long doesn’t hide that it’s thinning. In fact, the excessive length accentuates the thinning hair and/or pronounced widows peak. Who was the stylist that looked at Chris Klein and said, “you’re not a very good actor, but you could be a good-looking guy. I think I will give you BAD hair so that your looks cannot mask your bad acting.” I think they probably said it with a Russian accent. And I think they were probably part of the Russian mafia. We should deport them.
3. A fully Chinese little girl growing up to be half-Chinese Kristin Kreuk
Kristin Kreuk is Dutch-Chinese according to imdb and in the movie her father was Chinese and her mother non-descript Caucasian. Okay, not exactly faithful to the game, but whatever; I would have forgiven this. Except the picked what was obviously a Chinese little girl to play her at a young age who somehow morphed into a Dutch-Chinese girl when puberty came. Because we all change ethnicity as we get older...wait a minute...
2. Bison transforming from a Thai mob boss to an albino Irishman (who has an Irish accent despite growing up in Thailand...)
Again, I would have accepted the change in origins--they did still have Bison having grown up in Thailand--but if he grew up in the slums of Thailand how did he learn to speak English with an Irish accent? And not a thick one either. But, when the moral of your movie is to stand up when standing isn’t easy, probably you don’t the critical thinking skills necessary to contemplate why this might be a problem for the viewer.
1. That another Streetfighter movie manages to suck more than Mortal Kombat--14 years later
Streetfighter was a vastly superior game to Mortal Kombat. (It’s my blog I get to say what I want.) And yet we have now had TWO Streetfighter movies and they are both so incredibly bad that I’m almost ashamed to love Streetfighter like I do. Why is Mortal Kombat better? 1) They fight. A LOT. 2) There’s an appropriate amount of sexy time possibility. 3) They fight. A LOT. Why is this so hard for Streetfighter to understand? You know what would make me relate more to Chun Li’s character? If she kicked a lot of ass. You know what would make me want to see a sequel? If she kicked a lot of ass. You know what would make me buy the dvd? If she got to have some sexy time or least if the possibility of sexy time existed following the end of the movie. I do not feel my demands are extreme.
So be warned: if you want some awesome martial arts action Streetfighter has failed us once again. Just watch Jacki Chan; he’s always a good time.
Monday, August 24, 2009
A Little Fall of Rain or How to be Maudlin in the Desert and Emotionally Cut Yourself
It’s been a long time comin’ really. If this were a country song I’m pretty sure Dolly Parton would have written it, someone like Whitney Houston would sing it, and we all be in tears by the end wondering when Kevin Costner became a viable romantic interest. I’ve been reading for my big tests you see and this causes stress, but also (and more importantly) takes a significant emotional toll.
The problem is that everything I have to read is sad. And not Nicholas Sparks sad either where you can’t help but feel a little depressed but you’re as likely to control your reaction as not, while simultaneously feeling pissed because you’ve been emotionally manipulated. No, we’re talking indie-film sad where it’s all you can do not to ball like an infant in the theatre and embarrass yourself. But that alone wouldn’t be enough to get me down normally; books generally don’t move me like movies do-at least not in the same ways. But the sheer volume I’ve had to read and due to time constraints the necessity of immersing myself in these stories has removed whatever small flecks of joy once sparkled in my slightly smoggy atmosphere. On top of that pile back-to-school blues and various personal tragedies and we have the makings of a first class sulk.
So I do what I always do; I overdose on tragedy. First I drove out into the desert and parked. There was a storm rolling in and it was something to behold. The sheer ability to breathe in air with moisture here is so rare that some part of my soul un-shrivels when it happens. Feeling particularly melodramatic I took full advantage and stood in the rain letting a mixture of water and sand pelt me. It always seems like a silly thing to do at first, even more silly to admit to doing, but I can honestly say you can’t beat it. If I weren’t worried about things like, oh, death, I would wander off into the desert for the full experience. But my plan is to feel relieved--not inadvertently bring myself to some Shakespearean end removing the story of my life from the comedy section and placing it amongst the tragedies.
But I wasn’t wholly better yet so I went for the M.K.O. (movie knock out) I started with Mysterious Skin, a movie about two boys who are sexually abused when they are eight. One blocks it from the memory and the other becomes a male prostitute. It wouldn’t be described as an upper. I followed it up with (wait for it) Wit. The movie where and English professor dies of cancer. That’s right. When I take a razor to my emotions I don’t slice the wrong way; oh no, I cut long and deep--I think this time I severed a tendon.
But--I have a plan and it worked! To put it into Star Trekian terms everyone knows the best way to escape a black hole is to eject your warp core and detonate it. The resulting explosion (theoretically) pushes you out past the gravitational pull, thereby allowing you to escape. Or, for those of you not cool enough to watch Star Trek, I smoked a whole carton of cigarettes in five hours today to kick the habit.
Now, this emotional regimen does come with a warning: if there is any chance you are genuinely unstable as opposed to melodramatic, maudlin, or melancholy do not, I repeat DO NOT, try any of this at home. Possible side effects are blacking out, uncontrollable sobbing, or complete mental breakdown. If you can survive two movies like the ones I just watched, however (pick movies that eerily mimic your life for full dramatic effect) you will come out on the other side feeling better. Even if it is only because you couldn’t actually feel any worse.
Take that Nicholas Sparks. I’ll show you a message in a bottle written in a notebook on a walk to remember. Loser.
Gerard Butler’s new movie needs to come out soon. I seriously need to watch beautiful men blow things up while saving civil liberties and their wives. I LOVE it when they do that.
It’s been a long time comin’ really. If this were a country song I’m pretty sure Dolly Parton would have written it, someone like Whitney Houston would sing it, and we all be in tears by the end wondering when Kevin Costner became a viable romantic interest. I’ve been reading for my big tests you see and this causes stress, but also (and more importantly) takes a significant emotional toll.
The problem is that everything I have to read is sad. And not Nicholas Sparks sad either where you can’t help but feel a little depressed but you’re as likely to control your reaction as not, while simultaneously feeling pissed because you’ve been emotionally manipulated. No, we’re talking indie-film sad where it’s all you can do not to ball like an infant in the theatre and embarrass yourself. But that alone wouldn’t be enough to get me down normally; books generally don’t move me like movies do-at least not in the same ways. But the sheer volume I’ve had to read and due to time constraints the necessity of immersing myself in these stories has removed whatever small flecks of joy once sparkled in my slightly smoggy atmosphere. On top of that pile back-to-school blues and various personal tragedies and we have the makings of a first class sulk.
So I do what I always do; I overdose on tragedy. First I drove out into the desert and parked. There was a storm rolling in and it was something to behold. The sheer ability to breathe in air with moisture here is so rare that some part of my soul un-shrivels when it happens. Feeling particularly melodramatic I took full advantage and stood in the rain letting a mixture of water and sand pelt me. It always seems like a silly thing to do at first, even more silly to admit to doing, but I can honestly say you can’t beat it. If I weren’t worried about things like, oh, death, I would wander off into the desert for the full experience. But my plan is to feel relieved--not inadvertently bring myself to some Shakespearean end removing the story of my life from the comedy section and placing it amongst the tragedies.
But I wasn’t wholly better yet so I went for the M.K.O. (movie knock out) I started with Mysterious Skin, a movie about two boys who are sexually abused when they are eight. One blocks it from the memory and the other becomes a male prostitute. It wouldn’t be described as an upper. I followed it up with (wait for it) Wit. The movie where and English professor dies of cancer. That’s right. When I take a razor to my emotions I don’t slice the wrong way; oh no, I cut long and deep--I think this time I severed a tendon.
But--I have a plan and it worked! To put it into Star Trekian terms everyone knows the best way to escape a black hole is to eject your warp core and detonate it. The resulting explosion (theoretically) pushes you out past the gravitational pull, thereby allowing you to escape. Or, for those of you not cool enough to watch Star Trek, I smoked a whole carton of cigarettes in five hours today to kick the habit.
Now, this emotional regimen does come with a warning: if there is any chance you are genuinely unstable as opposed to melodramatic, maudlin, or melancholy do not, I repeat DO NOT, try any of this at home. Possible side effects are blacking out, uncontrollable sobbing, or complete mental breakdown. If you can survive two movies like the ones I just watched, however (pick movies that eerily mimic your life for full dramatic effect) you will come out on the other side feeling better. Even if it is only because you couldn’t actually feel any worse.
Take that Nicholas Sparks. I’ll show you a message in a bottle written in a notebook on a walk to remember. Loser.
Gerard Butler’s new movie needs to come out soon. I seriously need to watch beautiful men blow things up while saving civil liberties and their wives. I LOVE it when they do that.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
G.I. Joe. A Real American Blowout.
I'm going to try and make this different than simply a "G.I. Joe" is bad commentary because let's face it: we all know G.I. Joe is bad. We all knew G.I. Joe was going to be bad. You can't go see this movie and act surprised when it's bad.
So all the female Joes walk around the base with their uniform unzipped to somewhere mid-breast. So Scarlet is some sort of super smart chick whose body armor requires DD cups built in. So Ripcord has to teach Scarlet what it means to love. All of these things might be forgivable under the "I knew what I was getting into" heading.
But then there was the Baroness. I can't forgive the Baroness. First of all Sienna Miller is not an athletic woman. She's pretty, and in some shots she's even beautiful, but watching her run is downright painful. Also, she is no one's definition of legitimate. With black hair at least she's stunning, but with blond hair she blends in with every other thin, beautiful blond in the world. But looks aren't everything; perhaps with a better script she could have acted the part of the Baroness in such a way you believed she was a voluptuous viper who preyed on those around her. But she wasn't voluptuous. And apparently (watch out spoilers) she was only a viper because the evil mind control made her that way.
I mean SERIOUSLY?!
Here's the thing: G.I. Joe was an awesome cartoon because all the females kicked serious ass. The good girls, the bad girls, the in-between girls--every single one of those characters was the equal of any male and was also completely unique from the others. This movie turns the Baroness into some sort of heartbroken, mind-controlled former lover of Duke that completely removes all the coolness from the character! The Baroness rocked because she was EVIL. She kissed you, killed you, then ran away laughing that evil laugh of hers. She didn't feel bad about it in the morning. If she had any past lovers that were still alive it was probably just because she hadn't had the chance to kill them yet. That was what made her so very awesome. Why can't we have a ridiculously evil female character? Why is that a plot point that needs to be messed with? Why does the Baroness need to be sympathetic and saved? I know I'm on gender role alert most of the time, but you can't tell me Joe fans across the country aren't upset by this.
Plus--Destro is a scrawny Scottish man? Does Destro look like a scrawny Scottish man to anyone? How does a deep, Barry White made a deal with Satan voice turn into a tenor complete with Scottish accent? Who made that decision? And by all that's holy why?!
These are the things that I couldn't forgive. Keep in mind I walked into this movie thinking it was going to be Street Fighter bad--that's like cream of the crop bad people. And for the first half or so I was pleasantly surprised. For a moment I was even afraid I was actually going to like it. I thought maybe something would happen and Destro would have to get a new voice. I thought Sienna Miller was going to pull off the Baroness. I thought Scarlet would have a scene that wasn't overshadowed by her gianormous cleavage.
I just don't understand.
Oh yeah, and Paris gets decimated. I mean...I haven't seen that sort of property destruction since the action movies of the 80's when entire Central American towns were carpet bombed while the hero fought the drug lord.
It wasn't Street Fighter bad. I guess it had that going for it. But honestly, what's a girl to do when she has no awesomely evil female villains to look up to? Maleficent can't go on carrying the torch forever.
I'm going to try and make this different than simply a "G.I. Joe" is bad commentary because let's face it: we all know G.I. Joe is bad. We all knew G.I. Joe was going to be bad. You can't go see this movie and act surprised when it's bad.
So all the female Joes walk around the base with their uniform unzipped to somewhere mid-breast. So Scarlet is some sort of super smart chick whose body armor requires DD cups built in. So Ripcord has to teach Scarlet what it means to love. All of these things might be forgivable under the "I knew what I was getting into" heading.
But then there was the Baroness. I can't forgive the Baroness. First of all Sienna Miller is not an athletic woman. She's pretty, and in some shots she's even beautiful, but watching her run is downright painful. Also, she is no one's definition of legitimate. With black hair at least she's stunning, but with blond hair she blends in with every other thin, beautiful blond in the world. But looks aren't everything; perhaps with a better script she could have acted the part of the Baroness in such a way you believed she was a voluptuous viper who preyed on those around her. But she wasn't voluptuous. And apparently (watch out spoilers) she was only a viper because the evil mind control made her that way.
I mean SERIOUSLY?!
Here's the thing: G.I. Joe was an awesome cartoon because all the females kicked serious ass. The good girls, the bad girls, the in-between girls--every single one of those characters was the equal of any male and was also completely unique from the others. This movie turns the Baroness into some sort of heartbroken, mind-controlled former lover of Duke that completely removes all the coolness from the character! The Baroness rocked because she was EVIL. She kissed you, killed you, then ran away laughing that evil laugh of hers. She didn't feel bad about it in the morning. If she had any past lovers that were still alive it was probably just because she hadn't had the chance to kill them yet. That was what made her so very awesome. Why can't we have a ridiculously evil female character? Why is that a plot point that needs to be messed with? Why does the Baroness need to be sympathetic and saved? I know I'm on gender role alert most of the time, but you can't tell me Joe fans across the country aren't upset by this.
Plus--Destro is a scrawny Scottish man? Does Destro look like a scrawny Scottish man to anyone? How does a deep, Barry White made a deal with Satan voice turn into a tenor complete with Scottish accent? Who made that decision? And by all that's holy why?!
These are the things that I couldn't forgive. Keep in mind I walked into this movie thinking it was going to be Street Fighter bad--that's like cream of the crop bad people. And for the first half or so I was pleasantly surprised. For a moment I was even afraid I was actually going to like it. I thought maybe something would happen and Destro would have to get a new voice. I thought Sienna Miller was going to pull off the Baroness. I thought Scarlet would have a scene that wasn't overshadowed by her gianormous cleavage.
I just don't understand.
Oh yeah, and Paris gets decimated. I mean...I haven't seen that sort of property destruction since the action movies of the 80's when entire Central American towns were carpet bombed while the hero fought the drug lord.
It wasn't Street Fighter bad. I guess it had that going for it. But honestly, what's a girl to do when she has no awesomely evil female villains to look up to? Maleficent can't go on carrying the torch forever.
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