Oh holy sweet jesus. I felt like ranting and do I have something to rant about now. If you are timid of heart or don’t care what I have to say stop reading now. That’s your only warning.

Men wonder why women are insecure. Why so many of us are man haters. Well go to clevescene.com news and follow the link to the article on “hogging”. I think that sums up why every woman who has grown up in American culture is afraid for a man to see her naked. For those of you who are uneducated in the ways of “hogging” let me explain.

Hogging is when a group of guys go out with the express purpose of picking up “large” women. As they put it themselves:

Rick explains the attraction bluntly: "Everyone knows that if you want to get belligerent with your friends, hogging is the way to go. It's not something you aspire to, but no one decent is going to talk to you when you're at the bar with your friends, doing shots of Jaeger. Sometimes you just say, 'Fuck it, let's get a pig.'"
It's not that they prefer fat women, they say. It's just easier.
"You're not embarrassed getting shot down by them," Mark says. "You're not embarrassed when they leave."
Mark's had nothing but big women for a long time. On a woman of average height, he'll go up to 160, 170 pounds -- 225 if it's St. Patrick's Day or New Year's Eve.
"I wake up and see monsters in his bed," Rick says, feigning horror.

I can’t even formulate my thoughts to rant properly. The worst part is you can’t argue with stupidity. These men have something wrong with them, something much worse than simply being bad people. To go out with the express purpose of degrading another human being and finding pleasure only when you can “treat her like a pig” is so infuriating, so shocking that I find it to almost be unthinkable. Luckily this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of hogging. It is the first time I’ve really read what men thought about it, but if this were my first experience with it this blog would most likely be an entire page of the phrase fuck you all.

People get this sad look in their eyes when a fat girl comments about being fat. “You’re not fat” they say trying to be sympathetic. What they really mean is “but I like you and you’re cool and fat people aren’t supposed to be cool or attractive.” That’s the message that is fed into our minds from the moment we are born. No, unhealthy is not attractive. Yes, when someone is literally too big to have sex with it is unnerving and not a stimulant. But truth is truth and some people are fat. I am fat and I don’t feel bad about it. I don’t feel bad about myself. When I don’t want to be seen naked or I worry if someone hits on me at the bar or I pull away when approached by a guy it isn’t because I don’t feel I’m worthy. It isn’t because I feel unattractive. It is because of shit like this. It’s because it is real and it happens. It happens to girls like me. As these little troglodytes say themselves, “the best is when she’s got a pretty face and a big soft body.” DING DING DING!!!

No I don’t believe any one I know personally participates in this. I think they all know better than to tell me if they did but guys talk to guys. They might know people who do this to women. Do you understand how incredibly terrible this is? How inhuman and what it does to a person? When a man brings up hogging do you stop him or do you listen and laugh along nervously? Do you feel sorry if you bring home a fat girl? I know some people that don’t mind big women but would never date one. It isn’t just boys being boys. It isn’t just a joke. This isn’t simple degradation of women. It has absolutely nothing to do with porn or hooters or strip clubs—this is a fucked up prejudice that is never addressed. We fight for gay rights and equal opportunity among races. Yes a 500lb. person should loose weight and no it isn’t right to be so big you are winded by walking up stairs but this isn’t happening to 500lb. people. This is happening to 160, 170, 225 if you’re really drunk, people. 160lbs?! That is a fucking size 10. For those of you not familiar with women’s clothing that would equal around a 35-inch waist depending on height.

If that doesn’t enrage you then you have no regard for your fellow human.

This is why women are the way they are. No it isn’t going to change soon. Maybe it will never change at all. I’ve accepted that as surely as I’ve accepted myself. But knowing this can you understand why sometimes women get upset with “boys being boys”? Shit like this is so very real. The point of this rant isn’t to change the world but explain that a fat girl’s hesitance isn’t about her lack of self-esteem. It’s about her protecting herself from predators. Meaningless sex is one thing, preying on another human being is another. Don’t wonder why girls act the way they do. Don’t call a girl a slut or a whore or a pig. If you do thank yourself. You’re a member of the group that made us that way.

Ah Wee-u has blown it again. We had the chance to win the football game and we blew it. Am I surprised? Only a little. Here is irony for you. Me, the girl who spent her childhood irritated at her dad and brother because they hooted and hollered at the television while watching sports games has become a sports fan. I don’t even like baseball and I was rooting for the Cubs. No, not just because they made it to the playoffs, but also because they really deserve to win. I mean come on. How can you now want them to win? But also when I leave a football game early (I had a valid excuse, crazy infection of some kind) I go home and turn on the radio. Four years ago there would have been no radio listening! I would have said huh, I wonder if we won. Doesn’t matter to me. Now I’m all sorts of pissed because the team blew it. Grumble.

I have got to get out of this town. It’s sucking the life out of me. I am a full believer that the only person who can make me happy is myself but I’m not going to make anyone happy until I get out of this god-forsaken wasteland. There are some that like this town. There are some that want to stay. I say good for them. If Mac-town is treating you right, more power too you. It is not treating me right. It’s turning me into another mediocre human being.

Now I’m not so arrogant as to proclaim I will ever be more than a mediocre human being to the world, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be only mediocre to myself. The world needs secretaries. The world needs librarians. One day when I’m old and retired I’ll be one of those two things. Right now, I’m better than that. I can’t write, can’t sleep, I’m certainly not happy. It isn’t good when you don’t want to go to bed because you dread the coming day. That isn’t right. It isn’t good you look for reasons to get out of town because that offers the illusion of doing something with your time. I’m glad I didn’t go to school immediately, if I hadn’t taken some time out of school I wouldn’t have realized it’s what I love, but now I’m stuck in limbo until I can find some place else to go. I know if all else fails I can go to Peoria come January, but I really want to get into school. I really want to get a degree and go teach at a college somewhere. Not a big one necessarily. But it isn’t about the salary or the size or the prestige. It’s about helping people learn.

I don’t know if I can teach English as well as drums but I know I’ve got to try. It’s what I should have done in the first place. I like teaching. I like watching someone get better at what they’re doing because I helped them. I like making the world a better place. I looked at my parents and their struggles in the school system and I thought that wasn’t for me. And I still think elementary or high school is not for me but college—community college or a university could be for me. Teach kids that books are cool. That poetry is worth reading. There is so much to be learned from books! I am young but I was so young at eighteen. Hell if I knew what I wanted to do with myself. I still don’t know exactly but I know what I could do for a little while. That’s a lot more than I’ve known for about four years. But the first step is getting out of this town. If I were braver I would just cut ties and go. Maybe I’ll find it within myself to do that…I don’t know. There are places I could go, Vegas, North Carolina, Peoria, Chicago. At some point I just have to decide if I want to pursue present hopes and dreams or take off and make new ones. I’ve never been good at that.

Ah well, I’m sure no one reading this cares but then hey, maybe no one’s reading this. One can only hope. Maybe I’ll inspire some one else to get out of this town. That would be worthwhile. Maybe I’ll inspire myself. Maybe I should stop making excuses and just go. Hmm..there’s an idea. I hate it when I’m honest with myself. But I’d hate myself if I weren’t. What’s a girl to do. Maybe I’ll go pray, couldn’t hurt. Dear God let me be accepted…